Just wanted to share some of my thoughts on "expectations" based on some of the things I have read on here the last couple of days. I have a ways to go myself but I think this is one area where I am doing pretty well with letting go.
We have all seen the veterans mentioning time and time again to have no expectations (thanks guys for your patience with us newcomers). When letting go of expectations that really means all expectations, the positive and the negative. When a little glimmer of hope comes our way from our spouse we develop thoughts and expectations about what that must mean. These are the common things we read on here in a lot of posts. It's the negative ones that I think often are overlooked, expectations when nothing has happened like "Because H/W has acted like Y lately I expect I will be D in the near future and its done". Or the expectations that the story is over because H or W is moving out after a lengthy IHS.
I think the key to all of this is to really master having zero expectations either way. To 100% commit to the fact that we are on this journey and to simply live our lives one day at a time in a manner that leaves us feeling good at the end of the day. None of us have the slightest clue what tomorrow is going to look like, good or bad, so any kind of expectations good or bad serve no purpose.
Well stated.
A lot of what we spend time on here is both talking poster's down from the heights. "She said she'd go to MC, we are Ring!" And talking them off the ledge. "Well, she said she not open to Ring at all. So I guess it is over."
While expectations are part of the problem, the biggest problem is EVER taking the WAS at their word. We need to have a sticky thread with the title: "Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do."
I wrote a little about this in my own thread last week. Where I point how the WAS believes nothing the LBS says ("I promise to change!"). Yet the LBS hangs on every word that crosses the WAS's lips. I honestly believe that if more posters could stop putting any stock into anything the WAS says the better off they'd be.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We have all seen the veterans mentioning time and time again to have no expectations ... It's the negative ones that I think often are overlooked, expectations when nothing has happened like "Because H/W has acted like Y lately I expect I will be D in the near future and its done". Or the expectations that the story is over because H or W is moving out after a lengthy IHS.
I think the key to all of this is to really master having zero expectations either way. To 100% commit to the fact that we are on this journey and to simply live our lives one day at a time in a manner that leaves us feeling good at the end of the day. None of us have the slightest clue what tomorrow is going to look like, good or bad, so any kind of expectations good or bad serve no purpose.
I'm guilty of this. It's a tough balance in not being in denial and not giving negative expectations too much weight. I feel like sometimes to get to our next level of detachment we have to fake-it-til-we-make-it. ACT detached until you really are. ACT like you don't have any expectations until you really don't.
And to a certain degree, if we don't have SOME kind of expectations, how do we truly prepare for all situations? If we expect to be D we can do our due diligence in protecting ourselves. If we just leave it up to fate and focus only on ourselves and GAL, can we really prepare for each situation as it comes? Or are we always just reacting on the fly? I'm someone who does better with a bit of mental preparedness, so do I just expect the worst, but give it up to the universe to determine the actual path?
I read all your posts, and Steve as usual is on point. Tough love but its true we cant believe what they say. Theyre confused themselves so what does it matter what they say. Validate and dont think of it after the fact... easier said than done. My sitch is probably a year ahead of yours.
As to expectations man they suck. Its almost impossible not to have any but thats the goal. Expect her to be back and forth and all over the place. She doesnt know what shes doing and is probably making a lot of mistakes. She will project on you and be unable to deal with life day to day and the hard emotions... in my sitch I thought we were over 2 or 3x then she came back, I thought we were going to be together after we slept together and spent a couple weekends together then she can't handle it. I saw on one of your posts AnotherStander commented about a friend whos wife left and he was like ok theres the door and went dark. That is probably some of the best advice Ive seen. I continue to make mistakes. But thats what Im shooting for currently. I have MC Monday and will outline why she needs IC and that she needs to change her communication and not hold all her trauma in to get healthy because we havent had real progress because she is all over the place... if she wants to be with me and then Im done.
I hope you can learn from us and dont repeat the same ones.
My advice is give all your love to yourself and your kids. GAL spend $ on experiences like you did with fishing, and do stuff with the kids that everyone enjoys. Always have something to look forward to - a trip planned, dinner with a friend etc. My schedule is tough so I have to do GAL at lunch time a lot. But Ive been meeting friends for lunch weekly, working out, traveling when I can.
If W misses out be like umm yea you're going out every night doing who knows what don't accuse but it is her choice to not be in the family. I would not include her in the holidays unless she shows interest in you and working on the marriage. If she gets upset set the boundary Im sorry you have chosen to live at ILS you can set up your holiday there. Show her what she is missing. It seems you do a lot in regard to taking care of the house, cooking etc. Plus work, correct? I assume you make at least as much $ or more than her. She should have to do half the work to get the benefits of everything you put in.
My W and I have been in therapy so I thought we were piecing and I made a bunch of mistakes, backslid and now may be done again. Do not do that. I should probably take my own advice . Best of luck
Last edited by Did; 11/28/1807:33 PM.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
And to a certain degree, if we don't have SOME kind of expectations, how do we truly prepare for all situations? If we expect to be D we can do our due diligence in protecting ourselves. If we just leave it up to fate and focus only on ourselves and GAL, can we really prepare for each situation as it comes? Or are we always just reacting on the fly? I'm someone who does better with a bit of mental preparedness, so do I just expect the worst, but give it up to the universe to determine the actual path?
Yail, I found until I could really let go of expectations that me being prepared was actually causing more damage. I was setting myself up for failure. I think most of us would agree that you can't really live life on the fly especially when it comes to major decisions. I still prepare for things but put in extra effort now to prepare for multiple outcomes. I don't really expect D but I am prepared for it. I don't expect R but am prepared for it. I don't expect W to move out but am prepared for it just as I am prepared for her to stay in the house.
D9 is falling apart and it is tearing me to pieces. She has been complaining of tummy aches for the last two days so we let her stay home but she seemed to be fine.
Hi Ryan - D12 has had reoccurring tummy pains since BD. It comes and goes. Google reoccurring tummy pains in children. It happens in about 1 in 10 and, whilst the pain they are feeling is real, it is potentially psycho-symptomatic in that it is a physical manifestation of anxiety and/or depression.
If it gets worse it might be worth considering getting a therapist for her. In the meantime, keep an eye out and keep her distracted and be as patient as you can with her. We were also been advised not to let D12 miss any school as it will mean that they will then get anxious about what they missed, and it becomes a bit of a vicious cycle.
The other thing she does is get upset at the littlest thing. Not being able to find the right socks in the morning or the hair ribbon she just has to have that day.
What we've found is that these aren't necessarily triggered by anything to do with the S (to be honest, the S is like a silent elephant in the room) but random little things. It is like she is overwhelmed by what is going on, and trying to keep it all together for us, that she loses it over everything else.
Anyway, distract, pay attention, give her lots of your time and affection and let her know you are there if she wants to talk (but don't force her to talk). Remind her as often as possible that she is loved by both of you. Be excited about the times she spends with you and the times she spends with her mom. Let her know that you are ok with it all.
Lastly, my H tried to palm it off as "hormones" and my over-reacting. He has accepted more recently that there is a problem but thinks it might be that she is being bullied at school - he brought up stories of bullying going on at ANOTHER SCHOOL this morning. Anything but face the fact that D12's anxiety might have something to do with her parents splitting up.
Thanks FS, I'm glad you chimed in as I remembered reading about your daughter in your sitch. I know I am an amazing Dad and will do everything I can to try and help her out. I'm trying to keep her as busy as possible and make home life enjoyable. I don't know if the time of year helps or makes it worse but we are continuing on as normal as possible with decorating the house etc.
W is much like your H and trying to find anything possible other then the family sitch to pin all these symptoms on. Hormones, IBS, wheat intolerance have all been brought up. The fact that she had zero issues until the family started falling apart doesn't seem to phase W.
Christmas is a magical time to be a 9 year old girl ... plan something to do everyday you are with her ... go watch the Christmas lights being turned on, visit Santa's grotto, or even just go and look at the Christmas displays at the local shopping mall. There is so much out there. She needs something to look forward to everyday. Not sure if you're into hobby stuff, but my kids (even D12) love to make things so we go down to the local hobby store and go and get stuff for making Christmas cards. There are a lot of ideas online for Christmas decorations and they like to make with your kids. I will even go so far as to get my kids excited about picking out a Christmas present for their dad ... because they need to know that I am OK with him leaving so they can be free to enjoy Christmas without worrying about whether I am in pain or not.
FS, I'm going to try and make it the most magical Christmas I possibly can. Just a little worried about the added emotion this time of year for D9 but I will do my best. I'm pretty much a big kid so playing, hobbies, having fun with the kids is not an issue and part of the reason we are so close.
I am really settling into the new norm nicely. Friday night took the kids to swimming lessons and dinner afterwords, Sat morning was running the kids around to all their activities. Then me and S7 finished up the Christmas lights and we all headed to a movie. Sunday W didn't show until noon to pick them up so I enjoyed some extra time with them and made brunch. Took advantage of my free Sunday afternoon and got a hair cut, did some clothes shopping, hit the gym, went and visited a friend, and did some work on one of my hobbies. All in all I am making the most of my time with the kids and without and am really just enjoying each and every day. One thing that has had a huge impact is shifting my mindset from "have to" to "get to". Everything that I used to label as good or bad I now look at as more of an opportunity. I was terrified of being a part time dad, now I see it as an opportunity. I get to take care of myself, I get to see friends more, i get to go shopping without chasing 3 kids around the mall. On the days I'm with them I get to make the most of our time, I get to read to them at bed time, I get to take them to the movies and other fun activities. This new mindset applies to all aspects of my life now and is having an immediate and large impact. I have a long way to go especially in the detachment area but I am comfortable accepting the sitch and comfortable with the idea that it is out of my hands and all I can do is move on.
Well more interesting things coming my way from W, mostly financial related all right in line with what appears to be textbook WAW behavior. My reaction is very different these days and I owe everyone on here a big thanks, thank you all for sharing your stories. WAS's seem to be very predictable in their actions, it is almost like they have all read a textbook on this and now I can almost predict what W is going to do. I simply just take what comes my way now and laugh it off. One thing that is very apparent is she has not looked into any of the legalities surrounding S or D here and with these latest moves seems to think she is escaping some financial responsibility.
. Best of luck