So yesterday after work, I pulled over at the park and I cried the hardest cry I have in the longest time. I cannot believe my marriage has come to this. I cannot believe that this is where I’m at with my H. I mourn the beautiful marriage we had. I mourn the wonderful husband he was. He was my best friend. It still shocks me that he has done the things he’s done. I’ve told my mother, sisters, and best friend what has happened. They are all in shock. They can’t beleve he is acting this way. I hate that the MLC fairies came and stole my loving and wonderful H.
So today I feel so sad. Still taking my power back and proud of that. However, today I feel so sad.
Of course you feel that way! It just means you are caring and sensitive. Embrace that.
You're talking like your H has passed away, which in many ways is not far from the truth. In MLC something happens to people, their personality is so radically different it's very much like dealing with someone who has had a traumatic brain injury. There is good and bad news. The good news is many MLCers do return to their old selves at some point. The bad news is it usually takes many years. So settle in because none of this is likely to change anytime soon.
Regarding him being up and pacing at night, it sounds like he's having anxiety attacks. Maybe that will get better now that he's decided not to move out.
Thank you AS for the kind words. Today was a rough day, hoping tomorrow will be better. I agree that I am a very caring person and when I love, I love hard. I’m so angry at my H but eventually I have to stop being angry and take that energy and use it more positively. Right now I’m allowing myself grace to feel the way I feel. It’s hard to fight the feelings of hurt and anger. However, I pray for better days.
You’re right in that my husband has changed radically. I only see a shell of the man he used to me. So in some sense it almost feels like he died or that he’s been abducted. I still pray for my husband. I pray that someday he does get back to the man he used to be or a better version of who he used to be. It’s funny how you can be so angry at someone who has clearly done you wrong, yet you still pray for their wellbeing.
I think I’m finally sure that my H has a long road with this MLC he is in. I hope and pray he continues to get counseling because he needs it.
It’s possible that he’s having anxiety attacks as he was diagnosed with a mild form of anxiety. His therapist also told him he believes he is suffering from depression also. The depression causes him not to sleep much, which probably explains why he’s up all night.
Thank you for your prayers for better days. I trust God and I know if he brings me to this, he’ll bring me through if,
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I assume you still want to save your M. It is all up to you right now. Your H does not have the skills or the support system you do.
You are in the right state of mind to do the necessary work.
Boundaries work. It is important that you communicate clearly to H so he does not make assumptions.
Here is a frame work. Can you take this, fill in details, add or subtract, rearrange and post for input from us? (Not now, but at some point, you can speak the final version (or a note) to H.
W:"H, I have thought about everything you have said and want to share my thoughts with you." W:"H,I see many solutions to our problems" W:"H, I want a husband that .....Bla bla bla bla..... Right now, I do not see you behaving the way I need my H to behave." W:"H, If you are not willing to......Bla bla bla..... I will Start the Divorce process." W:"I have decided......" W:"It is important to me to make sure we both understand each others side" W":"I know for certain I never want to be in this sitch again" W:"I want us both to be happy"
I wish you well during this most difficult time. Just know that life does get better either way. D or R.
HUGS
[quote=Ready2Change]Hi Living,
Thank you Ready2Change, you’re correct I must have boundaries now. My husband is doing too much and I’m tired of being hurt. Thanks for the communication tips. I’m not beating around the bush.
I’ll keep your frame work statements in mind. I’m too exhausted to even have that conversation with him currently. But thank you so much for sharing it. That is a valid conversation that in the future shall be had. Right now, I just don’t want to see or talk to him. I want him to stay away from me and I’ll stay away from him. He has his space and I have mine.
Thanks for the hugs! I need them and I pray for better days. I know the sun will shine tomorrow!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Trust me our emotions are like rollercoaster one minute we are strong then we feel hopeless.
But is all Normal feelings.. After 1yr 8months am still more sad then ever.
But is ok to feel this way. I have posted notes to myself saying Is ok to not be ok Is not you fault Today is a new day
I must say these reminder notes help me alot
As everyone has said. Stay away from H I know is easier said than done But find things to do.
I know when W left I thought it was the end. But I have read some pretty bad stories of MLC Stay at home. I am so glad W left, WAW
I can't imagine waking up to a monster everyday or even sleeping In the same roof. My W did that for a while walking around, making noise I couldn't sleep I honestly thought I wasn't going to wake I am scared of my W.
So you do what's best for you and S. Financial Emotional Mentally Physically Always protect you and S.
You have a long road.
But remember is ok to not be ok And is ok to cry is ok...
Stay strong Living
Thank you so much Marina7, I love the idea of the post it notes. I think I’ll make some and put them on my bathroom mirror. That way when I look at myself in the mirror each morning, I’ll be reminded of the strong woman looking back at me.
It’s definitely tough living in the same house with him. First he said he would move out now he’s saying he’s not moving out. I guess it’s true that I really can’t trust or believe what he says. I’m not sure why a man who claims he wants out of this marriage, who claims he’s soooooo unhappy, won’t just move out. But nothing about him right now makes sense. So I’m done trying to understand him.
The only choice I have is to take care of my and my son and like others on this thread has said, leave my H to his mess.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Thank you everyone for the hugs and encouragement yesterday. I’m happy to say that today was a better day! I spent the day being very happy!
H sent me a text message yesterday evening telling me he appreciates me moving his things into the other room but he wishes I would have discussed it with him first. I wanted to say...oh like you discussed that you were unhappy with me first before you told a total stranger in a bar our business. But I didn’t. I just ignored his text message.
Of course he sends me a couple of text messages today. I ignore them. He asked me to respond. I ignore him.. He wanted me to know he was picking up some supplies from the hardware store. He then says he wasn’t sure if I was picking up the paint we need this weekend or another day. I responded “when I pick up the paint, I’ll let you know.”
Well I guess that was sufficient enough for him, he FaceTimes me. I answer, he starts talking asking me why I’m mad at him. Like are you freaking kidding me? I was determined not to do this with him today. I told him I was busy and needed to go.
He then sends me a text message a couple of hours later saying that he hates that things are this way and he hopes one day I will talk to him because he misses talking to me. I swear this guy is fried. Of course I didn’t respond to that message.
So tonight I treated myself to a lovely dinner, then came home and took a long bubble bath, and I’m now enjoying a glass of wine. My son slept over at a friends house. So my plan is to listen to soft music, slowly sip my wine, and enjoy my peace of mind. Oh where is he you might ask. Downstairs working on a project in our foyer.
I’ll be locking my bedroom door tonight. Don’t want him trying to slip in here. Too bad he won’t have the pleasure of enjoying all this greatness. I’m sure it’s going to be a long night for him. Oh and I made sure that I’m going to be super busy this weekend!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Woohoooo... Wow yelp they are like bat sh&& crazy.. I mean crazy.
Please please please don't cave
W tried all this. I even thought making love after BD would spark something.
Nope.. shame on me.. Living if you can spend the night over friends or even a hotel.
H will ask. And answer him directly We are no longer together
H will try to do 20/20 question don't tell him where you where or anything Remember H wants to separate give him a taste of life without you.
You got this hun...
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
My W claims that she is soooo unhappy and told me twice that she wasn’t sure she wants to be married to me. Even brought up talk of separation at some point in near future. If she’s this unhappy, then why doesn’t she....
But then again this is the same woman who claimed she needed me around for me to take paternity leave for 3.5 weeks after YS was born back in Sept. End of my first week back at work in mid-October W tells me she’s unhappy, isn’t sure she wants to be married to me, maybe we should separate for a bit and take a break.
And then today, she talked about how, in January, when YS starts going to a sitter after she is done with maternity leave, that because I go to work so early as a teacher, she will be getting both kids and herself out the door and that it will be so hard.
You don’t say.....imagine what that would be like if you left and had to do that on your own...
Exactly right about trusting / believing what they say...
Woohoooo... Wow yelp they are like bat sh&& crazy.. I mean crazy.
Please please please don't cave
W tried all this. I even thought making love after BD would spark something.
Nope.. shame on me.. Living if you can spend the night over friends or even a hotel.
H will ask. And answer him directly We are no longer together
H will try to do 20/20 question don't tell him where you where or anything Remember H wants to separate give him a taste of life without you.
You got this hun...
Crazy is an understatement! I love the idea about going and staying at a hotel. I don’t have any friends I could stay with but I could easily stay at a hotel.
I also like the direct answer of reminding him we are no longer together.
And just as I suspected he tried to come in my room last night. He couldn’t get in so he sends me text messages telling me how much he misses me. I just ignored all his messages.
I think I can finally see that I’m in for a long wild ride.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
My W claims that she is soooo unhappy and told me twice that she wasn’t sure she wants to be married to me. Even brought up talk of separation at some point in near future. If she’s this unhappy, then why doesn’t she....
But then again this is the same woman who claimed she needed me around for me to take paternity leave for 3.5 weeks after YS was born back in Sept. End of my first week back at work in mid-October W tells me she’s unhappy, isn’t sure she wants to be married to me, maybe we should separate for a bit and take a break.
And then today, she talked about how, in January, when YS starts going to a sitter after she is done with maternity leave, that because I go to work so early as a teacher, she will be getting both kids and herself out the door and that it will be so hard.
You don’t say.....imagine what that would be like if you left and had to do that on your own...
Exactly right about trusting / believing what they say...
Sorry to hear you’re going through this as well. It’s so sad to see what they’ve become. My H kind of looks terrible. He hasn’t shaved or cut his hair probably in a week. He looks a bit disheveled.
I’m truly finally realizing that he really has a problem and I definitely can’t beleive anything that he says.
I’m sending you hugs. I hope things get better for you!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
W looks fine. She just seems like a different woman from the one that I married. Or even before the pregnancy. I feel like the pregnancy broke her emotionally.
H is back in hot pursuit again. I feel like I’m on that movie Groundhogs Day. He’s back to professing his love for me. He says he’s going through something and he needs me. Rolling my eyes. I mean it’s blatantly obvious he’s going through something.
All of you gurus here are 100 percent correct. You can’t trust anything that they say. Just last week he professes he wanted out of the marriage. This week he’s back to you’re still my wife. As if I need the reminder.
I went out with friends Saturday evening, looking like a million bucks of course. I get home at about 1:30 in the morning only to find him waiting for me in my bed. What the heck??? I had to put him out of my room as he begged and pleaded to stay. This is the weirdest situation I’m sure I’ve ever experienced.
So as he tells me that he misses me, loves me, and needs me, I just listen to him. Although yesterday I did sort of lash out when he kept insisting that he loves me. I told him B.S. I don’t believe him.
I’ll be honest and say that I miss him too and I love him with every fiber of my being. I miss the mentally stable man that he used to be. I just can’t say that to him right now. So I’ll contiinue with the detaching in a loving manner, and GAL.
The saga continues....
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
