Somehow you have to figure out the balance in all of this. You are the one that has to make choices and live with the consequences.
What are your deal breakers in your marriage?
I saw this question before but never spent the time to think about it. Has there been much conversation on this in the past? I wonder what this could be if LBH are trying to be patient with WW, like what could cause this to come up.
AS we become more aware, finding the value of our self worth, does that sometimes make the LBS say, "you know what, I'm done with this. I don't need this treatment. I'm better than this."
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
We do both have needs and I agree they aren’t totally aligned. I also love the advice to tell him I need to be turned on.
I definitely worded that in a way that states you are willing to have sex with him, as long as he puts more effort into it.
Of course you can make that effort all kinds of things. This is where it gets fun. Again, please have fun with this. This is the man you want to be with.
The key is not to drive him away. You want him thinking about you all the time. Did you ever buy "The Art of seduction?"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
We do both have needs and I agree they aren’t totally aligned. I also love the advice to tell him I need to be turned on.
I definitely worded that in a way that states you are willing to have sex with him, as long as he puts more effort into it.
Of course you can make that effort all kinds of things. This is where it gets fun. Again, please have fun with this. This is the man you want to be with.
The key is not to drive him away. You want him thinking about you all the time. Did you ever buy "The Art of seduction?"
We will see how things go. I will say that the detaching ang GAL really does work. It makes him curious about me. It’s almost as if it makes him more attracted to me. I can honestly say that it is fun watching him pursue me. The other day I was cooking and I found him staring at me. So I decided to do little things that made him even more intrigued. Nothing so obvious that it made me look like a fool. Just simple things like standing a certain way or dancing as I cooked. He watched me like a hawk in the sky.
I did order The Art of Seduction, it’s on the way.
I think I’ll give this a try. I’d love to see him thinking about me all the time. I think combining the GAL and this art of seduction technique may just be the best way to approach my sitch. It’s obvious we are stuck in this house together, I may as well have some fun with this. It’s also obvious that he is confused and isn’t ready to leave this marriage like he claims.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Yeah, R2C has a good point......as long as your H isn't just cake eating. At this point if he were to go sleep with someone else then you would know for sure that he is not back to the MR fully committed. I'd be very careful about giving him what he is after.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Yeah, R2C has a good point......as long as your H isn't just cake eating. At this point if he were to go sleep with someone else then you would know for sure that he is not back to the MR fully committed. I'd be very careful about giving him what he is after.
Steve85 it’s hard to say with absolute certainty that he isn’t cake eating. I agree that if he were to go sleep with someone else then I would know he’s not fully committed. I would also know that it’s time for me to pull the plug. However, he’s not sleeping with anyone else. At this point he’s only pursuing me. I keep turning him away because of the detaching thing.
As far as being careful giving him what he’s after, I agree to a certain point. However, I also agree with R2C I want him wanting and thinking about only me.
I’m tired of being the one working on the marriage solo. Upthread I said I’m done trying to save my marriage. It sort of feels like doing this makes me contradict myself. However, I do love my H and never wanted our marriage to end. I am human so I think the fact that my husband can’t seem to quit me, gives me hope.
BUT I do enjoy working on myself. I’m enjoying making myself look and feel good. I’ll admit that I’m also enjoying the fact that he is noticing it. I have no current guarantee about what’s going to happen in my marriage. However, I can at least improve myself (which is actually a good thing), GAL, and stay true to my vows. That way if we do end up divorcing, I can walk away feeling like I did all that I could. I’m proud of myself for the improvements I am making.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Yeah, R2C has a good point......as long as your H isn't just cake eating. At this point if he were to go sleep with someone else then you would know for sure that he is not back to the MR fully committed. I'd be very careful about giving him what he is after.
Steve85 it’s hard to say with absolute certainty that he isn’t cake eating. I agree that if he were to go sleep with someone else then I would know he’s not fully committed. I would also know that it’s time for me to pull the plug. However, he’s not sleeping with anyone else. At this point he’s only pursuing me. I keep turning him away because of the detaching thing.
As far as being careful giving him what he’s after, I agree to a certain point. However, I also agree with R2C I want him wanting and thinking about only me.
I’m tired of being the one working on the marriage solo. Upthread I said I’m done trying to save my marriage. It sort of feels like doing this makes me contradict myself. However, I do love my H and never wanted our marriage to end. I am human so I think the fact that my husband can’t seem to quit me, gives me hope.
BUT I do enjoy working on myself. I’m enjoying making myself look and feel good. I’ll admit that I’m also enjoying the fact that he is noticing it. I have no current guarantee about what’s going to happen in my marriage. However, I can at least improve myself (which is actually a good thing), GAL, and stay true to my vows. That way if we do end up divorcing, I can walk away feeling like I did all that I could. I’m proud of myself for the improvements I am making.
My point is that WASs are fickle beings. And I am afraid that if you sleep with him he'll immediately retreat back into his "This marriage is over, I want out" stance. I've seen a million times if I've seen it once. WAHs in particular will manipulate the LBW to get their physical needs met, but it MEANS NOTHING TO THE MR. So the advice here is the same we would give to any LBS:
DO NOT INITIATE SEX. If he initiates you can participate but do not assign any significance or meaning to it. If you sleep with him do not be surprised if the next day, or week, or month he says "I still want out of this marriage." The mistake isn't in having sex...the mistake is in thinking it means the MR is back on track.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
DO NOT INITIATE SEX. If he initiates you can participate but do not assign any significance or meaning to it. If you sleep with him do not be surprised if the next day, or week, or month he says "I still want out of this marriage." The mistake isn't in having sex...the mistake is in thinking it means the MR is back on track.
OMG I feel evil. If/when he initiates and you have decided to go along and it gets to a certain point, you can ask him if he has "protection".
W:"H, I do not want to have unprotected sex"
You can add: " until (more boundaries)" such as "A clean bill of health from a doctor" or whatever.
Less words is almost always better.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Yeah, R2C has a good point......as long as your H isn't just cake eating. At this point if he were to go sleep with someone else then you would know for sure that he is not back to the MR fully committed. I'd be very careful about giving him what he is after.
Steve85 it’s hard to say with absolute certainty that he isn’t cake eating. I agree that if he were to go sleep with someone else then I would know he’s not fully committed. I would also know that it’s time for me to pull the plug. However, he’s not sleeping with anyone else. At this point he’s only pursuing me. I keep turning him away because of the detaching thing.
As far as being careful giving him what he’s after, I agree to a certain point. However, I also agree with R2C I want him wanting and thinking about only me.
I’m tired of being the one working on the marriage solo. Upthread I said I’m done trying to save my marriage. It sort of feels like doing this makes me contradict myself. However, I do love my H and never wanted our marriage to end. I am human so I think the fact that my husband can’t seem to quit me, gives me hope.
BUT I do enjoy working on myself. I’m enjoying making myself look and feel good. I’ll admit that I’m also enjoying the fact that he is noticing it. I have no current guarantee about what’s going to happen in my marriage. However, I can at least improve myself (which is actually a good thing), GAL, and stay true to my vows. That way if we do end up divorcing, I can walk away feeling like I did all that I could. I’m proud of myself for the improvements I am making.
My point is that WASs are fickle beings. And I am afraid that if you sleep with him he'll immediately retreat back into his "This marriage is over, I want out" stance. I've seen a million times if I've seen it once. WAHs in particular will manipulate the LBW to get their physical needs met, but it MEANS NOTHING TO THE MR. So the advice here is the same we would give to any LBS:
DO NOT INITIATE SEX. If he initiates you can participate but do not assign any significance or meaning to it. If you sleep with him do not be surprised if the next day, or week, or month he says "I still want out of this marriage." The mistake isn't in having sex...the mistake is in thinking it means the MR is back on track.
Thank you Steve85 that all makes lots of sense and I absolutely agree with you. We will see how things go. If he initiates sex, I may participate. However, I won’t participate each time he initiates it. He needs to miss me and he doesn’t need to get it each time he wants it.
I think I’ve got a good game plan on how to handle my sitch going forward. Of course it’s all subject to change because who knows what will happen with my MLC ridden H.
However, going forward my plan is to continue to GAL. As I’ve stated I’ve started making improvements in my life. I’m enjoying the improvements that I’m making. Truth is I wasn’t squeaky clean in my marriage. There were lots of ways that I took my H for granted. I’m woman enough to admit that. So I’m working on me because I can only control me. In the end of my marriage works out or not I want to be a better person.
I’m going to continue to be somewhat of a mystery. He doesn’t need to know my every move. Let him wonder what is going on with me. That keeps him intrigued.
I’m going to continue to be kind and happy. I agree with the others that said show your spouse a happy person. I also got that from the DR book. I’m going to be the best person that I can be. I won’t break my vows or cheat on my H. That’s not in my character to do. He says he’s unhappy, I’m going to be the opposite.
I’m going to continue to work and continue to fix up this house like we planned on doing. I’m going to create a beautiful home. That will keep both he and I busy. I have the vision and he executes the work.
I’m going to continue getting healthy and fit. I’ve joined weight watchers and have already lost 10 pounds in a month. I still have a ways to go but I already feel better about myself.
If he initiates sex, sometimes I’ll given in and other times I’ll be so seductive that I’ll make him crave me but not give in. I want him to crave and want only me. I want to be mysterious like I was when we first met. I want to bring back some of the qualities he was attracted to when we first met.
My hope is that my change will motivate him to change. However, if not, at least I changed for the better. And if my husband doesn’t appreciate my self-improvement then perhaps another man will have the opportunity to.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
