What I learned from Wife's MLC

[kiro]

Here is my thought for today: (long post again)

What makes us LBS's think that we will be happy if our WAS comes back?

Here are some observations from all the stories, books, articles I've read over 1.5 years to be considered when trying to answer this question:

- It's obvious that no one has a real answer to how to change a WAS's opinion and make her/him come back

- No one seems to understand exactly what happens in a WAS/MLCer's mind although there are many theories but none of them is proven to be accurate

- Every story seems to have its own personal flavor

- The idea of a WAS/MLCer who would all of a sudden wake up, realize their mistake and come back to the LBS and apologize and then the couple lives happy ever after seems to be an illusion created in the LBS's wishful mind

- A big number of stories end up in D

- Even the stories that end up reconciling happen gradually and people don't usually describe the reunion as the happiest moment of their lives. It usually involves a lot of struggle and pain

- Some couples try to reconcile at one point or another, but then end up separating again

As much as we want to believe that our WAS loved us during all the years of our marriage and that the new version of them after BD/MLC is only a temporary state caused by a lot of emotional turmoil and confusion. But that at the end, they will wake up and return to who they really are, i.e. the good person who always loved us...

Hopefully by now, most of you know that it is rarely the case and unlikely going to happen. If they return, they will do it slowly, gradually and hesitantly. Why? Because the WAS’s perception of reality is totally different than ours. Often, the WAS feels they are the victim and we are the bad person. They think that they are running away from us because we could not give them the happiness they deserve. And they have their own support groups who share similar feelings and encourage their opinion. The WAS will likely maintain this point of view even if they decide to return.

The WAS/MLCer will feel guilt, but it is not the type of guilt that we imagine. The LBS thinks that the WAS will/should feel guilty because they did something wrong and that they are not appreciating how great we are and how awesome and happy the marriage was.

But the WAS/MLCer doesn't feel or think the same thing. Their perception of the marriage is that it was unhappy and unsuccessful and the relationship was boring and lacked a true emotional connection. They feel guilty for a totally different reason than what we think they should. They only feel guilty for choosing their happiness over the marriage (i.e. for choosing their happiness over ours).

So if a WAS/MLCer comes back, they will still think that they were unhappy (at least during the last few years of the marriage) and that they suffered during those years and then during the MLC and that a large portion of their suffering is our fault. This is why they will continue to justify to themselves that they don’t owe us an apology as much as we owe them one, even if they had a PA or did any other action that seems irresponsible in our eyes.

If they come back, they will probably be doing it because one of the following reasons:
1. They discovered the practical value of being married
2. They see the changes we have made since they left and they are willing to give us another chance

But, I assume that they will still be very vulnerable and not willing to commit fully for a long term relationship until they are totally reassured that they feel happy and secure.

The LBS, on the other hand (and understandably), may expect the WAS to be apologetic, express remorse and guilt for what they did, ready to commit to the marriage going forward, and promise not to leave again.

And this disconnect between the LBS's and the WAS's perception and expectations could make any reconciliation quite difficult.


Obviously, I am making a lot of assumptions, but these are very valid ones that could happen and do happen in many reconciled marriages.


So here my question again: Why do we think that we will necessarily be happier if we reconcile?


My attempt to answer it: I feel I would have been happiest if none of this had happened and if we had dealt with our problems before the marriage broke to avoid BD. However, once BD happens and all the subsequent and often unavoidable events (EA, PA, Separation...), the answer becomes a gray area. The longer we wait, the fuzzier it becomes.

[harvey]

Good points. I've had to come to these realizations quickly. As much as I love my XW, I definitely wouldn't want to reconcile in her current state (and I have more improving to do myself). The likelihood is that she will be in her fog for awhile and one of us while have found somebody else before the possibility of reconciliation even exists. It might be her getting into a new relationship that is exciting for her (at least for now). It might be me moving on before she shows interest in coming back.

[kiro]

Harvey, exactly!

The other thing that I am realizing is that I was as much in an emotional fog as my WAW and that fog blinded me and prevented me from seeing clearly.

When I reached out to my father in law after separation, he kept pointing to the fact that both of us (WAW and me) were very emotional and that we needed time to calm down (he went through a similar experience 25 years ago).

Her emotional fog is about excitement for change and new experiences, feeling happy again, obsession about how unhappy she was and how bad everything in the marriage was, liberation, fear of feeling trapped again, etc. It’s very emotional and blinds her from seeing anything that contradicts what she feels and wants to believe.

My emotional fog was almost the exact opposite. I had very intense feelings, with an almost instinctual drive to protect myself and my family. It almost felt as if all my survival instincts kicked in. I felt an intense obsessive love toward my W that I had never felt before. I was ready to do anything for her, and I did. I also felt like I had to protect my family and my kids, with my parental instincts kicking in. And then, I had to also protect my ego from being hurt and from admitting that I got rejected. My mind worked very hard to justify that my W was in a crisis and that if she was seeing clearly, there was no way she could have rejected me .

Now, I think I am slowly getting out of this fog and I am able to look at things more calmly and with less emotion. I still see the practical advantages of a marriage especially when kids are involved, but since the marriage broke anyway and since reconciliation (if ever) could entail a lot of pain, then maybe it’s better to keep our options open and have an open mind about it. Reconciliation is not the only option. I'm not even sure anymore if it's the best option.

[harvey]

I'm with you. I got there much quicker than most people. That doesn't mean I loved my XW less than others loved their WAWs. I've just been one that handles adversity pretty well. I'm comfortable in my own skin. Life is going to be great for me, with or without my XW in it (intimately, because of the girls she'll be in my life probably until the day I die).

[kiro]

Harvey, I just saw your dates on your signature and I must agree that you moved much quicker than anyone else. Good for you! It shows that you probably succeeded in keeping your independence and individuality in your M better than most. I had become too emotionally dependent on my W.

[paco123]

kiro and harvey,

These are very helpful to me, particularly k's description of how the world might possibly look through the eyes of the WAS. I am still willing to stand and wait (for now), but I need to always be aware that W thinks and behaves in ways that conform to her own narrative. I am willing to go through the pain of reconciliation; W very clearly is not.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), at this point in our lives, there are no practical reasons (kids grown, house sold, each financially independent) for us to stay together. This makes it harder but potentially more worthwhile: each of us must choose to be with the other.

I have a different view on one of the points you made: "They see the changes we have made since they left and they are willing to give us another chance." In our case, we need to accept that we each married imperfect human beings and vowed to love each other in our imperfections.

Kiro, did your father-in-law stay married to his wife?

[kiro]

Paco, no my father in law and mother in law divorced after 17 years of marriage. And then he remarried another woman and is still with her since 25 years. My W left me also after 17 years and at the same age as her mother when she left her dad. But until this day, my FIL regrets having given up on his first MR too quickly. He believes they could have reconciled if he was patient (we’ll never know since my MIL passed away).

By the way, I hope you have been reading Sandi’s posts. She gives great insight into how a WAW or WW feels. I am only describing at a high level the fact that the WAW has a completely different perception. Sandi describes in detail how a woman feels and why she starts pulling away from a MR.

When I talk about the changes that we make, I don’t mean that we are perfect people. But if you want to reconcile your MR, you must understand the dynamics in your MR that led to the problems you had and identify the things you did or said that could have pushed your W away and made her feel unloved and unhappy. I haven’t read your story, so I have no idea. But there’s gotta be a few things that you know you need to fix in yourself.

In addition, there are general (generic) things that every LBS needs to do: GAL, regain his independence and his individuality, show confidence, be easy-going and fun, take care of his health and his looks, etc.

This is what I am talking about. You must understand that once you are dealing with a WAW, the dynamics that worked before BD don’t work anymore. Your W has probably moved on in her mind and in her heart. She is not ready to put the effort anymore and looks at the LBS as someone who is unattractive. To have a chance to gain her back, you must be attractive as with any other woman. And you need to show her a permanent change. Otherwise, why would she come back to what she has already rejected? WAW will notice all the details.

[kiro]

Paco, I actually wanted to write my thougths about the marriage vows. I think understanding how these come into play in a WAS/WW’s mind is important.

In a nutshell, I think one of the WAS’s main struggles leading to BD has to do with these vows. They have an internal struggle between a feeling of unhappiness and their commitment to the marriage. Some people will suppress their feelings and live unhappily because of their vows. The smart ones will stay in the MR, but will address the reasons of their unhappiness. And the WAS’s will give up on their MR.

If your W is part of the 3rd category, don’t count on these MR vows to save your sitch. She’s already given up on them.

[harvey]

Paco, I actually wanted to write my thougths about the marriage vows. I think understanding how these come into play in a WAS/WW’s mind is important.

In a nutshell, I think one of the WAS’s main struggles leading to BD has to do with these vows. They have an internal struggle between a feeling of unhappiness and their commitment to the marriage. Some people will suppress their feelings and live unhappily because of their vows. The smart ones will stay in the MR, but will address the reasons of their unhappiness. And the WAS’s will give up on their MR.

If your W is part of the 3rd category, don’t count on these MR vows to save your sitch. She’s already given up on them.

Exactly. Kiro is not even divorced yet, and he's full of wisdom.

[paco123]

K, thanks. There are soooo many things I could fix in myself. On the other hand, there are many things I would rather not get into because I am tired of self-justifying to prove to myself or anyone else that I was/am a good father/husband. Life is ALWAYS a perpetual opportunity for self-improvement.

But at the end of the day, I stand by what I said: love is bestowed, never earned. Love abides in the space where I shift from asking, "What can you do for me" to "What can I do to help YOU become your authentic self?" I am trying hard to be in this space. And if W is incapable of making this shift, then (to use your metaphor) it would be time for me to pierce through my emotional fog and to find that special someone, version 2.

For me, for now, it is not yet that time.