Cadet—Had some issues with her relationship with this guy in the past. Earlier in our MR (when we weren’t in a good place), she went on a 4-week training to DC.
Comes back and her and this guy are texting. I ask who—she tells me. I keep seeing this happen in front of me, and I tell her ‘hey could you dial it back?’ I tried explaining to her: look at it from my perspective—if I go away for 4 weeks for a work trip and some young hot thing is blowing up my phone how are you gonna respond? W: Probably not well. Me: So can you please stop. A few months later she tells me that this guy and his now-XW don’t have a very good relationship.
I mentioned this in a response on another thread, but a couple of years ago W and I were out with some of her coworkers / work friends. One of her coworkers asks me if I’m so-and-so (the guy I described).
I was BENT at her the whole ride home and told her so.
She told me some time ago that I need to accept that she would need to have a good work relationship with him. I know this is NGS, but I wasn’t sure what to say in that regard.
Back in the spring when things were better she made a comment to me about ‘I wonder by looking at our phone bill who we text the most besides each other?’ (The phone bill is in her name.). First thought I had? This guy.
Like I said earlier, back in Feb. she told me that there is no OM, but I also know ‘believe nothing they say.’
Some looking at FB and light Googling tell me this guy is now single.
When W and I got married, I gave up a LOT of relationships with my female friends, to draw some boundaries (I still have a good female friend from grad school who will be YS godmother). But that’s pretty much it. I try to have very good boundaries at work—don’t really associate much with female colleagues my age, and students are a pretty obvious line.
Learning opportunity here. Next time that urge to lean in hits, remember last night.
DBing isn't about DBing perfectly. It is about DBing better over time.
IC isn’t totally sure if DB’ing applies to my sitch. Though he did recommend TDR and MWD to me. IC recommends asking W about what I can do to help take away some of her anger (resentment is reason in his eyes for no sex / intimacy). He also recommended showing SOME vulnernability emotionally (not become a blubbering wreck). I go back and forth on IC. Or maybe I should just bite the bullet and call the phone numbers at the top of this page.
Taking some advice from this forum, combined with IC advice, I told her about dinner plans for our 7-year. IC’s advice was to give her a choice—I did, and she said she wants sushi, so will go ahead and work on that. I also closed by telling her to ‘wear something nice’ for that night.
Cadet—What I find odd about our sitch is that W talks about how she never understood how people can commit adultery. ‘If it really is that bad, there are ways out of the marriage.’
She has told me that if I cheated, she would take me to the cleaners financially and with respect to custody, and she fully expects me to do the same. And I’ve thought about that.
In my worst moments after ILYBINILWY BD back in Feb, I wondered if YS was mine. Still pretty sure he is—he has my eyes.
But I always kinda wondered with her if it is one of those Shakespearean ‘thou doth protest too much’ things when she would talk about cheating and what we would / should do to each other.
And maybe I’m overthinking it.
Me, tonight: Haircut, work-out, get something nice smelling to wear, out to eat, go to coffee shop, get grading done.
While I am softer on the "each sitch is different" (just read my threads and you'll see that!), I think you have to be careful. Most ICs and MCs are notorious for being trained in the "you have to court your spouse back!" The problem is that it proven to have a low percentage of success. This is why many around call MC, Divorce Counseling. Many of the anti-DB experts I consulted warned about MCing, and the effects it has on marriages. Many cases of MCs telling couples "There is no hope, you should just divorce."
It is important to make sure any IC or MC is a pro-marriage C. Stick to Christian and/or anti-D Cs.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
1. It's rarely a good thing (I'll explain the rare part in a moment) to snoop and sniff for details. Finding out the truth is much harsher than you ever hope it would never be. Ever. More often than not, things are likely worse than they seem, ESPECIALLY if an OM is involved. Steel yourself.
2. (The rare part) When you finally come to grips and realize at how deep the situation is with your W and OM, you will finally begin the process to truly drop the rope and detach. Speaking from experience here.
Tread carefully. And calculate each step you make in regards to this. Continue posting.
Steve: I’ve talked with IC about what I’ve been doing recently (doing divorce-busting), and named specific things I’ve been doing.
And IC said that to him a lot of what I described sounds like LRT, which he (and I think it was you?) mentioned are WAY WAY premature for my sitch. Which I get.
My IC is pro-marriage—I believe. I also know he is divorced / remarried (talked about how his wife went full-on hormonal on him), so he could sympathize with pregnancy / PPD hormones.
I’ve wondered if I need a new IC. Would love to do a Christian (preferably Catholic) IC, but not sure if covered by our insurance.
Once again: I’ve wondered if I should bite the bullet and call the # at the top of this page—I did once before back in spring to talk through some options, but didn’t follow through.
I just read everything and got caught up, here's my thoughts:
1. Commit to detaching and acting logically. Trust your mind. This will help you immensely. 2. Understand that now that she has BD'ed you (again), that you are more emotional clingy. She's running away and you are married so you try to run with her. You want you needs met at this dire time. But she doesn't want to meet them. Take the emotion out of it and think this through. Give her the time and space. 3. You probably can't trust your W as much as a year ago. That's just the way it is. Accept it, don't fight it, and don't take it out on her in anger. 4. You don't like her calling you by your first name b/c you prefer her calling you the loving petname. Prior to BD, she'd call you "Dad or Daddy", right? But she's indicated she's not sure if she wants you. So things like loving petnames go out the windows. You have no control over this, so you need to let go of it. Don't let it anger you because there is literally nothing you can do about it. If that's how she wants it, call her by her first name as well. 5. Your W opening the bank account in her name may be a reaction to you taking the $75 to your personal account. Don't read into everything she does, but this is a possibility. 6. Don't confront about the sex toys, don't even mention it. It's out of your control so don't get angry about it. She's not sure if she wants you. If you weren't sure about wanting someone to be your girlfriend, would you tell them not to use sex toys? No! So don't do it here either.
Your W is at home every night right? Usually physical affairs mean "sleepovers with the girls" or "I got so drunk I stayed at Jenny's house". I don't doubt that she is looking at this guy as a potential option. Don't confront her about it. Bring the info here.
Could she be sneaking around with this guy during the day?
Also, post your situation details into your signature like mine if you can. It's helpful to recognize posters and situations. From one Catholic to another, I'll pray for you.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
