I definitely know that is part of my W problem. Not happy with herself, expecting someone or something to make her happy. Also, a really bad case of GIGS. No serious problems in the MR, just standard stuff all couples typically work through.
This problem your social worker friend is seeing is something I am reading and hearing about a lot from the psychology field as will as from religious people. Maybe it's a symptom of a larger societal problem.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I think society’s view of marriage and divorce overall has changed sustaintially over the last 30 years. Lots of reasons for that. Women becoming more and more independent and wanting it all (career, family, etc...). The blurring of gender roles so that both spouses are equally responsible, at least theoretically, for keeping the home, earning money, raising kids, etc... I’m all for this except that it has definitely changed people’s commitment to work through a marriage when problems inevitably surface. The focus on “happiness” and this idea that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage or perfect love and that it should just be that way without any effort. This attitude has made separation and divorce, for some, option number one as opposed to a last resort. As well, with the advent of the smart phone and dating apps, one can find a “replacement” for a spouse simply by swiping right. We live in an instant gratification, disposable society. Something not working quite right, don’t bother trying to fix it - just throw it out and get a new one. Nothing is sacred anymore. A “me first” approach to life is not only accepted, it is actually encouraged. As long as you are doing what makes you happy, any amount of wreckage that you leave behind you is justifiable.
My apologies to those of you who are in same-sex marriages. I am, of course, speaking in generalities and do not mean to offend with my reference to gender norms.
DV6, I wrote a lengthy response on the upside-down gender roles in our society and the effect it has had on marraige to a couple of newbies a few months ago. We had a slew of new LBSs that were either bread-winning Ws, or SAHHs, and I felt it important to point out that those kinds of arrangements buck against biology. Whether people like it or think it is PC or not, women have the babies........not men. There is a lot to imply from that dynamic. We are mammals, and in the mammal world the mother provides the nurture, care, and sustenance (milk) for the young. We aren't birds where either parent can eat bugs and worms, partially digest them, and then cough them up into the mouth of the young.
When we switch roles it can cause a lot of problems, and MRs suffer for it. I personally know of several D'd couples today that allowed these roles to get mixed up. Guess what, either the bread-winning W remained single after the D, or they got into more traditional marriages with the H as the bread-winner. It is hard to change that because, well, biology.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Journaling... Had a great night!!! Went to a fundraiser for a women’s business networking group. Ended up sitting at a table with a woman who had just joined. I chatted with her most of the night. She is my age, has a great personality, is single and dating and had a bad break-up three years ago. I told her that my H had moved out a couple of months ago. I need to definitely keep her around. She is amazing for my ego. She was almost yelling at me...lol. “You are going to do fantastic DV6. You are gorgeous! You are smart! You have a fantastic personality. You H is an idiot. He is going to figure that out at some point and you are going to have moved on. If he doesn’t know how awesome you are, screw ‘em!! His loss!” She told me that 50 is the new 30 and I’m not going to have a problem finding someone else. I’m not ready for that at all but it is nice to hear it from someone who is “in the market”, so to speak. I said I thought my H would probably find someone pretty easily and she laughed. She says there are a lot of women out there looking to be taken care of with not a lot of money and kids, etc... She said women like me are not common. She said my biggest problem is that a lot of men are going to be intimidated by me. Me?!? Hmmm... that’s an interesting idea. Anyway... I had a fun night and left feeling like I had taken another step forward. Not sad at all tonight. Going to sleep tonight with a smile on my face.
Woke up smiling so today is going to be a good day. Last night was exactly what I needed. Talking with my new friend (she only lives a 2 minute drive from me!!) and seeing how well she is doing really helped me. She didn’t say anything that I haven’t heard before but somehow it really sunk in last night. I am a good person. I bring a lot of great things to the table. Just because my H was too screwed up to recognize that and make an effort, doesn’t have anything to do with me and my worth. It’s his problem and I know, without a doubt, that once he starts to get a handle on himself and he looks at the situation with a clearer mind, he will see where he screwed up and he will have regrets. Whether they will be enough to want to do the work, somehow I doubt it. He would really have to become a different person and I’m not sure he has it in him. Oddly, I am grateful that I am going through this pain now. I think my H has way more painful path ahead of him than I do, truth be told. I didn’t do this. I have nothing to regret. I did the best I could and at the end, I did not have any choice in the matter. Onwards and upwards.
I love these updates DV6! It is great to have a friend and confidante in this process. Keep up the GAL!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Don't have the expectation that he will "get a handle on himself", because if he doesn't and you are expecting him to then you will be left in anger.
It's amazing how one moment can totally change your mindset and help you remember that you a person of value. Don't ever forget that you are worth a lot! Use that attitude to fuel your little interactions and take care of yourself.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
