Ahh...FS...you are too kind. My H WANTS to be a good man. He has not been that for a long time. My MIL and I had dinner tonight and we were both kind of recalling the last few years. Honestly...even when my H wasn’t “sick”, he was not a great husband. Since the kids were born, he slowly but surely stopped seeing me as his wife and partner and really only saw me as a mother. He had a lot of friends where we used to live. Most of them have never met me. He didn’t include me in any of his activities unless he was performing somewhere and wanted an audience. He did not take much of an interest in my life or my friends. He came to watch me play pool only once. Ironically, last November. On weekends, if he was home, he would bundle the kids up and have them out the door before I even had a chance to decide if I wanted to go with them. He would tell me he was giving me a “break” but my “break” consisted of me doing housework and him going out to visit his friends with the kids. Pretty much all of his friends have met our kids... I am just the person they know gave birth to them - most of his friends would not be able to put a face to my name. Honestly...I put up with so much. I was STARVED for affection from him. My H very deliberately disconnected from me and pretended it was an illness that was responsible so I couldn’t get upset about it. So a good man??? He has a lot of work to do to make it into that category.
I do agree with your assessment though about not going back. I saw him wrestle with that early on when this was all discovered. He was conflicted...he knew he screwed up... but he felt like the hard part was over so he just needed to keep going. I think he also feels like he has burned a lot of bridges that he doesn’t think he can repair. He could but he doesn’t believe that. I feel bad about his R with his mom. It has suffered significantly and not because she has “picked a side” but because he lied to her for as long as he lied to me and he basically gave up his role as dad to her. She thought she was helping her poor sick son and in reality, she was being used in the same way I was being used. That is tough for a mother to get over and he hasn’t even had the courage to talk to her about it. He is too scared to hear what she has to say, I think. He’s probably just hoping it will all blow over and things will just eventually go back to normal. That’s the way things work with his dad. The problem is... he has a superficial relationship with his dad and he hates that. He didn’t have that with his mom but he does now. She has done everything for him and any time she has asked him for something, he is annoyed and irritated by her. So...good man??? LIke I said...he has a lot of work to do.
You are right about the questions too. I have a ton. I also know I will never get the answers to most of them. My H is trying to move forward by not looking back. He doesn’t want us to know the extent of his lies so he will never answer my questions honestly anyway. I am slowly becoming resigned to this. I journal and post a lot of these questions as a way of getting them out of my system. I know that may make it seem like I am not letting him go...but I am...it’s a slow process. I have been 100% devoted to him for 13 years...never even considered or thought about life with anyone else. I just thought that when he got better, we could work on things and I counted on that. I see now that that was a mistake and my brain is fully on board with detaching and getting on with my life. My heart is just going to take a bit longer to catch up.
Hmm... reread my post. I sound kinda bitter don’t I? I’m trying not to be. My H does have a lot of redeemable qualities. Despite all of his running away, I have no doubt he loves our kids. He is crazy talented at a lot of things. He has a wicked sense of humour and he can make the most mundane event seem like a wild adventure. I loved listening to his stories. I still do.
And he used to love me... a lot.
So...not all bad. Hey... new theme song for me... “Space Cowboy” by Kacey Musgraves. I am a little bit country.
You don't sound bitter at all DV6. We all vent about our WAS' a bit here, because this is the place to do it.
You're doing great, keep it up!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
You are not bitter .... you are grieving and this process takes as long as it takes. Move through life with dignity and grace and with love and kindness in your heart. All of this you have in spades.
My H is trying to move forward by not looking back. He doesn’t want us to know the extent of his lies so he will never answer my questions honestly anyway.
I saw a lot of my situation in your post, but this really struck me. I think this is why my H is stuck. He's too ashamed ashamed to look at all he's done, and I know a significant amount of it but I believe there's more, and told him as much several months ago, and if he would purge all of those things - to me, an IC, priest, whomever, he would have a burden lifted. Of course that made him run further. They won't truthfully answer our questions because they don't want to admit the answers out loud about themselves. Safer to bury them.
I had to laugh at your reflection at yourself. Yes, you did sound bitter.
Total understandable, and healthy. And totally fleeting. Those feelings, like all feelings, are temporary and will flit away to be replaced with others. I found a nice touch of humour, helps when dealing with ourselves and our temporary emotion side. I think you have a similar humour side and smile a bit when the venting is over.
As others have said, venting is necessary, part of grief, part of the process.
I like Grace21’s comment, she is spot on. If they would only admit things, they would be so better off. Of course if they could we wouldn’t be in the predicament we are in. Remember they are absolutely driven by those feelings, which are cranked to 11. It is going to take a lot of time from them to come down and for their feelings to extinguish.
The admitting things to a priest, IC, friends - is really admitting it to yourself. That is the true step of healing they need to take.
We, the LBS, also need to take that step. Admitting the fear, anger, loneliness, abandonment, ... whatever it is. That pushes back denial and starts us towards acceptance, and the big one is accepting who we are and who we would like to be. Then we have a heading and a path, usually towards being a better person.
This is a vulnerable and fragile time for the LBS. It is also a fantastic opportunity to see yourself and make those changes we’ve all put off for too long.
I think you are doing a great job. Dignity, grace, kindness, and compassion.
Keep moving forward.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you all for your support and, as always, for your encouragement and advice. I woke up pretty early this morning. My sleep seems to have shifted from waking up in the middle of the night to just waking up early now. I don’t mind it. Gives me a chance to set my goals for the day. I still think of my H first thing but not in an obsessive way so it is not as painful. I am coming to terms with the fact that the H I loved so much no longer exists. It is really just his ghost that I have to contend with now.
Well... nice surprise for the day. My SD19 just contacted me. She’s visiting her sisters who live about 90 minutes away. She wants to come for dinner and stay overnight. I offered to contact her dad to see if he wants to join us but she said no... she just wants to see me and her brother and sister. She says she hasn’t worked out what she wants to say to her dad yet. Not sure what it is she wants to say. Certainly she has lost some respect for him with everything that has happened. I feel bad for him in some ways. He has lost a lot and gained...? Guess time will tell... (((Hugs))) to all.
Isn’t wonderful when you can sleep a full night? The getting up every 90 minutes was horrible. Sleep deprivation on top of everything else.
It’s those dreams. I am so glad that is over. January 8, 2018 (I think) my last night being woke up by bad dreams. Yay me!
My W, well STBXW, was first in my mind when I awoke, for a while after that. It was an interesting day when I realized while pulling on my socks one morning that I had not thought of her as of yet.
Now it is so peaceful, awakening gently without reality slamming into my brain, and emotions at full throttle. This old engine likes to get started at a more leisure pace, it can run a long time, but let it warm up a bit first. Lol
It’s coming DV, you are well on your way.
It is great to see SD19 coming over for dinner and staying the night. It is not surprising she doesn’t wish to see Dad. He blew up a lot of lives and there will be repercussions.
It was nice of you to offer to contact him if she wanted. Now let that be, do not get in the middle of their relationship. It is not your job to facilitate the relationship between H and his kids, your job is to not destroy it.
I did interfere once between S17 and W. It didn’t end well, S17 lashed out, and vented his anger on me. Yep, lesson learned, not touching that stove again.
I hope you have a wonderful dinner and visit.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks DnJ. It’s been a bit of a tough night with my kids.
Had a short but good visit with my SD (she got here late). She hasn’t said much about her dad other than she is mad at him. Says both her parents are unreliable and I am the only one who she can really count on. Not sure why she is mad at him. She’s made a couple of comments...nothing really...but I get the feeling she knows some things about him that I don’t. I don’t know why I think that. She hasn’t said anything specific...it is just a feeling. Anyway... she did say that she has a lot of pent up feelings and a lot of things she wants to say to him but she is worried he would just yell at her. Ironically, all the things she wants to say to him are probably the exact same things he would like to say to his dad.
She also thanked me for letting her come to visit. She said that she knows that she is his daughter and she doesn’t want to remind me of him. I told her that was ridiculous... as far as I am concerned, she is my daughter too and she will always have a place in my home and in my heart.
My son had a bit of a cry when I gave him his bath tonight. He was worried about having to go to his dad’s on the weekend. He cried because he doesn’t like going there but doesn’t want to hurt his dad’s feelings. I reminded him that his dad was going to be staying at our place with them on the weekend because both me and his grandma were going to be away so they needed to take care of the dog. He was relieved. I didn’t know what else to say so I just told him that his dad would be more worried about him being sad and that he can always tell us when he is upset. I also told him that he should not worry about us and it is our job to worry about him. I try very hard to be as upbeat and as positive as possible but in those moments, I am furious with my H for being so incredibly selfish and shortsighted.
I know...these are feelings...and they will pass. My values will keep me on the right path. I just wish they didn’t have to be tested so often.
