Steve... I, too, was in an SSM. Part of it was the fact that he was gone all the time but even more so was that my H withdrew from me emotionally and I knew it. Without that emotional connection, at least for me, there is little desire to ML. My H’s love language, I think, is physical touch. I haven’t read the book so I can’t be sure what mine is but I suspect that physical touch for me is secondary to needing to know that I am important and wanted by my partner. I rarely felt that with my H. I was pretty much starving for a level of intimacy that my H, for whatever reason, was incapable of giving to me.
Ballast - I would be shocked if my H ever wanted to come back but even more shocked that he would be willing to do the work on himself and take the inevitable hits that would come when he would have to face family members and friends. There are not very many people who know the story but the people who do (my twin and her H, his mother) are pretty major players in our collective life together. You are right... it is so, so sad - especially for the kids. Last night my daughter had a bit of a meltdown. I have a longstanding tradition of making my kids banana pancakes on Sunday mornings and she realized last night that she would be at her dad’s on Sunday morning so would not get pancakes and if she did, she hates her dad’s pancakes. Not a “big deal” in the grand scheme of things but I think, for her, it is maybe that she is starting to realize that her life is changing in a way that she a) does not want and b) is powerless to stop. Broke my heart.
so i'm at the point where i know D and i will be fine. that's a simple thing to say, but it represents a HUGE amount of healing from where i started. i LOVE the time that D is with me and still feel that it's completely unfair to her and i that we will lose so much time with each other due to W's action, but there is a part of me that guiltfully enjoys my free time. it's a conflicted feeling to be sure.
been reading the NMMNG book. it's not 100% applicable to me i don't think, but for sure i'm finding alot of good information in there that i can apply towards myself. the WTF happened still occupies my mind, but thankfully has been in a controlled manner. so much of W's words/actions/etc line up with WW, but then pieces don't. the prevailing thing i've been finding is that even if the WW is with OM, the tend to want to keep the MR and their spouse. W has been adamant about getting a D from the start. the thought of if she is not EA/PA/OM, then to throw out our MR with zero effort...the dysfunction of it, the whatever it is...strangely it pushes me further towards my new future. however my mind thinks it through, no reason can justify her decision. course it matters not what i think, only person who needs to get it is her.
anyway...monday morning and finding myself very matter of fact/chill. prayers for all of you suffering.
B, interesting you start your update the way that you did. As I was getting ready for work today, because we are within 3 weeks of the anniversary of BD in my sitch, I was thinking how much I have grown personally since BD. If she came to me now and said "I tried, I still want out." My reaction would be "ok, good luck". It isn't that I don't love her, but I know that my happiness and fulfillment is bigger than her's and my relationship. That doesn't mean it wouldn't hurt, that it wouldn't be tough, but that in the end I would fine and move forward for me and my D.
I understand the struggle of "why". I think we humans struggle with that mightily in almost every aspect of life. "Why did I have to be in that car accident?" "Why did the company decide to defund my division?" "Why of all the humans on the planet did I get this diagnosis from my Dr?"
One of my favorite quotes is: "Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." I love this because it shows that our happiness and fulfillment in life is in our control! Just heard a story about a man that was living his life, went to a routine physical, and found out shortly later that he only had 4-6 weeks to live.I think about how I would react to that? Would I sulk and mope for the rest of my time, or would I get up and make the absolute most of those final weeks? How long I have to live is not up to me, but how I live the time I have is COMPLETELY up to me!
Hang in there B, you are one of the good ones.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
thanks steve...if my mood were an EKG output it would be a straight line!
over the weekend i reconnected with a friend from years ago. i found out that she had been divorced and then tragically lost her only son at 15. the benefit of perspective hit me. when i compare my half-time with D to her complete loss of time with her son, well...i count my blessings.
the why answer with time will be revealed. now it may not come from W, but there will come a time where i will see that what happened was necessary for me to "get to the next dot". i see that with Stander, he still has no idea why his W left, but what happened did get him to a better place where he is now. i read the letter that Hurt's WW sent him. i wonder when my W is alone what thoughts go through her mind. it's all theoretical/hypothetical to be sure, but it fascinates me in a way that it's a mystery and makes no logical sense to me. her utter silence, desire to complete blow apart our MR makes it like WW in reverse. maybe as ACC said there is something more mental health, less wayward to explain her, but anyway nothing i can do no matter....once you can soberly fully admit/accept that...that "EKG" being a straight line means you are in a good place.
It will be great when this is over with...to say that I'm envious of those of you with WW's who can actually express any positive feelings towards you...
It will be great when this is over with...to say that I'm envious of those of you with WW's who can actually express any positive feelings towards you...
ballast, the problem is that you can't believe them. I think of mtb's WW and how every time she wanted something suddenly she was complimentary and talking about future R. Manipulation. When we say "believe NOTHING they say" it isn't because they don't deserve the benefit of the doubt (which they DO NOT). It is because you literally cannot believe anything they say! So WWs that express positive feelings are usually after something.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve...LOL yeah been here to long to not agree with what you are saying...mine though with the D paperwork...call it the desire to control, anger/resentment, guilt/shame, whatever...she is something...not even the slightest degree of respect for me even as D's father, it really is something to experience. simply put I see no way for her and I to be good co-parents and definitely no friendship nor R in the future. I would be CRAZY to consider that possibility.
Steve...LOL yeah been here to long to not agree with what you are saying...mine though with the D paperwork...call it the desire to control, anger/resentment, guilt/shame, whatever...she is something...not even the slightest degree of respect for me even as D's father, it really is something to experience. simply put I see no way for her and I to be good co-parents and definitely no friendship nor R in the future. I would be CRAZY to consider that possibility.
That is the healthy stance to take. However, one day she may surprise you. But ZERO expectations is the way forward!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
lol again it's the ONLY stance I can take given her actions. in effect she is basically trying as best she can to erase me from her life and her entire family. no way one day she surprises me. NO WAY!! :-)
and if for some reason she does, you and ACC and Stander are gonna find me and beat the ever-loving crap out of me if I even THINK of considering! :-)
