W...no i didn't get that sense at all that you were making excuses for yourself. in fact, given what you've said for sure there's a real aspect of that in your sitch.
agreed, i don't think either one of us see our faults severe or horrible enough to justfiy walking away and getting a D, BUT those are OUR feelings and our W's may disagree. i don't think i realized the degree to which my W needed/wanted more emotional interaction with me, but then again she never as an adult said to me "B we need to spend more time together or I need..." I think perhaps she just thought I should known automatically OR heck she may not even have been able to clearly state what she needed/wanted. i have not heard a SINGLE woman ever believe that a man can change. it is terribly difficult for me to try and understand that as a man. there is such an overt finality of thought i get from ladies in these sitches, completely devoid of hope for change. is that because they have an OM or is that because it is simply too emotionally painful for them to reconsider R'ing or once they are done, they are simply done. AS will highlight how ladies can change THEIR minds, I just don't think they think we LBH's can change ourselves. which is terribly unfortunate especially given how much each us have grown and learned to become better husbands just as MWD has said as much in some of her writings.
communication as always comes down to be a common factor here in sitches. men and women we do speak different languages, bottom line we are different. again terribly sad that we men can't pick up on the many times non-verbal or code that our wives "speak" towards us and sad that our ladies many times to not realize how foundationally we love them, yet how terribly poor we are at expressing our feelings in ways that they can understand. it takes both partners being dedicated and committed to working together through this foundational needs in a relationship. it again is so sad where many times at the first signs of frustration/difficulty, one or both of us retract, go silent and allowed for the poison of resentment to take hold.
-B
Agree whole heartedly about everything you said. One thing my W said to me the morning after BD has stuck with. Probably a subtle hint of what's to come. She said she read that women who decide they are done, they are done. Or something to that effect. Pretty much the case in my sitch! There hasn't been any signs as though she's ever considered R. Oh well.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
if for some reason she does, you and ACC and Stander are gonna find me and beat the ever-loving crap out of me if I even THINK of considering! :-)
Not me sir, I don't believe in closing yourself off to possibilities. If W came back to you and said she wanted to reconcile, that should be regarded as a fresh start, versus a return, and it would be incumbent upon HER to prove to YOU why you should consider it by establishing all the work she's done on herself to make her a better partner for a new relationship.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I feel like our situations are pretty similar in that my W still hasn't given me any real good indication why she wants out. There was an OM that I discovered that started this whole ordeal, but I don't think they've been in contact at all for about a month. If you notice on my thread, I just posted an update talking about how it feels like my W is going dark on me as well! There is just nothing as far as communication goes. Anytime she would communicate with me or open up (if you want to call it that) about her thoughts and feelings were after I initiated the conversation. I'm done doing that and so the result is essentially NC between her and I now.
I have always thought there is a mental health aspect that makes my situation different than most WWs that I've read on here. Her researching her past abuse from her biological father earlier this year definitely has played a part into her emotional stability. I think that's undeniable. She has been a mess because of it. But she did such a good job of covering that up, I had no clue what she was struggling with during that time before BD. That is something that you don't just heal from overnight, either. It will be a long, long process for her. It feels like that in conjunction with the As and waywardness makes for a very tricky and almost impossible scenario.
I, too, struggle with the 'Why' component very much. I've said it in my threads a few times -- my deficiencies and shortcomings are not anything really out of the ordinary in a normal MR. Why my W feels like D is the only option and has never once considered even the thought of R (to me, anyway) or at least trying to work on our problems simply boggles my mind. I will probably never understand it, but the thought of her just nuking my kids' only sense of family without really any justification for doing so is the main reason I can't "move on" so to speak.
While I hate that you are going through what you are, it does give me a small sense of comfort knowing I'm not the only one....stay strong, man. I know that's easier said than done!
I am in the same stitch. W wants D, but won't file. I can't get a clear "why". Before BD and after the A started I kept getting the rewritten history scenario. WW blamed her detachment on our past and would not let go of the past. WW hasn't even hinted on R. WW did a bit of waffling before BD, but once I outed the A, all she could focus on was D. The "why" turned into "this isnt fixable".
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
for me I have focused on what/where I feel I could have been better in the MR and for her, that stuff is within my control to handle, address and improve. now if she has issues/health then it's all on her to deal with if/whenever she decides to. I will say that some of the stuff she has sent me has been delusional, very random and has made my IC say she has the emotional maturity of a 16yo girl so...as is said here, ain't my circus, ain't my monkeys...
having my W out of the house has been a blessing. I have been envious of those who have the chance to see their WW in house, BUT I have learned that was all down to my desire to "action" and show her my changes. once you free yourself from believing you have control over this...quicker you can get free of them the better.
this is a sickening process, no LBS wants to go through it, as ACC has told me many times, the loss of control can be debilitating and make you miserable. it is your life though, god help us all who must experience it and we can do nothing more than go straight through it as best we can.
-B
At first I was I guess "happy" that my WW didn't move out. However, now that I continue to detach I actually loath the fact that she is home when I am and that we are on IHS. When WW is home and not traveling for work, I am scarce. WW traveling used to be a trigger before I confirmed the A. Now I feel at peace when she is gone, even knowing she is probably with OM. When I don't see her its easier to detach.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I am in the same stitch. W wants D, but won't file. I can't get a clear "why". Before BD and after the A started I kept getting the rewritten history scenario. WW blamed her detachment on our past and would not let go of the past. WW hasn't even hinted on R. WW did a bit of waffling before BD, but once I outed the A, all she could focus on was D. The "why" turned into "this isnt fixable".
Wow. Sounds like a mirror image!
Hang tough, my friend. It's so easy to say to everyone else but much harder to put into practice, although I feel like it gets better every day. I haven't had a temp-check at all. If I do get one, not sure how I'll handle it. I just hope it doesn't send me spiraling after coming as far as I have.....I think I'd rather just not have one at all.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
So I was able to stop and see my little D at daycare today. She’s not with me now so seeing her even if just for a few minutes is a huge deal. She was so happy to see me, hugged me so tightly…and sadly didn’t want to let me go. Things happen every second in this world that are tragically unfair…for me, my D not wanting to let me go is one of those. I pray to God that she will somehow come through this experience and live the rest of her life unscathed by what her momma and I are going through. There ain’t much that can hurt me emotionally anymore…as I read somewhere on here the fire of this ordeal is remolding me into a stronger, better man and father…but I ain’t gonna lie hurts like H**L to have to let her stay behind.
Went to my IC today. Talked about a wide range of subjects. I like the lady I work with. She’s open to free forming with me as things come up, pushes me in areas that I can work on while at the same time ever mindful of not letting me believe this is all my fault. There’s a lot of good work I can do within myself to improve in some areas, although she cautioned me to stay true to myself. She said “look I know you don’t want this divorce, but get it done so you can go on and find someone who will love you as much as you love them.” In her words my W will/can not put in the emotional work required to make a marriage successful. As I was leaving she said to me “your wife is full on consumed the D process, I do not believe she has done any work on dealing with the ending of this relationship.” I was flabbergasted, I mean we’ve been split for going on a year and H**L I’ve been dealing with it, moving through it the whole time. IC believes she will simply compartmentalize it away and use all of her energy to keep it suppressed. That some crazy hard stuff to believe or heck even imagine it possible. Anyway…
Oh yeah and so after my IC I went out to a enjoy a good steak dinner. I must say I enjoy going out and having a good meal from time to time. Nothing major tonight, 14oz center cut sirloin, baked potato and broccoli with a cold draft beer. Cleaned the plate and it was a great meal. When the season and grill of the steak is so well done that you need not steak sauce…you got something good there and that was the case tonight. So anyway I’m heading back to my place and there’s a incident on the way I normally go which routes me around where W is staying with D. Well tonight I had to go past her place, but thought nothing of it as it’s dark…eh, forgot it was Xmas time. As I went by for the first time I saw all of the lights and decorations W had put up. I was happy for D to have and enjoy the wonder of the season as they say, but to have it highlighted to me that I was on the outside looking in at the warm house all festively lit…yeah it was a kick in the n*ts for sure. Not a single D**N thing I can do about any of this, but shake it off and keep on moving ahead.
missed replying back to a few prior posts relative to my last one...
Originally Posted by neffer
Stay strong there man, yours really is a hard to read process. My best wishes for you and D3, always.
thank you neffer! you'll see from my last post above IC thinks W has not even begun to process the ending of our relationship...and may never. that seems impossible to me. her not wanting to do the emotional work necessary for the marriage, yep i can see that. IC said W is avoiding counseling either because she's guilty of something or she knows that her reason for leaving is indefensible. no matter of any of this though really. W wants the D so i'm going to give it to her. there will have been so much damage done by her to me...someday i'll be able to forgive her likely when like Davide i move on to a new good person, but i'll never be able to forget how she ended us and the terrible pain she put me through.
Originally Posted by Accuray
Not me sir, I don't believe in closing yourself off to possibilities. If W came back to you and said she wanted to reconcile, that should be regarded as a fresh start, versus a return, and it would be incumbent upon HER to prove to YOU why you should consider it by establishing all the work she's done on herself to make her a better partner for a new relationship.
LOL...i was wondering when i'd hear your response! AND it was consistent with my expectations for what i thought you would say. you ARE right in that we should not close ourselves off to possibilities and if by miracle she returned, i'd hear her out, but as i've said before if there was an OM, there would be no chance. that is a hard stop for me. i would HATE it but no way i'd ever get past a PA w/OM. her coming back and being as you say...heck all i've ever wanted was her and me working together in an MR. it's nice to dream, fantasize, but my gut tells me there's already been an OM and so her and i are already over. time will tell all for sure.
just struggling a bit these last few days...the usual stuff, wanting on the one hand to get the D process done just to be done with it, while not wanting it all. wondering about the future, apprehension...pretty clear it's finalize D, sell house, get place to live, work/enjoy time with D. lots of just "i can't believe this is happening/i don't want it to happen". my IC saying she doesn't think W has even begun to process the loss of our MR...blows my mind. oddly i don't have much thought about what W is thinking. it's more like just the "here i am, i'm tired of this, how much longer, what comes next".
B - After a pretty good stretch of feeling good, recently I've been apprehensive too. Christmas and how we will celebrate is at the top of the list right now. All of these feelings you are having are normal, although exhausting. I'm tired too, and my journey has only just begun. Hugs.
