DO NOT INITIATE SEX. If he initiates you can participate but do not assign any significance or meaning to it. If you sleep with him do not be surprised if the next day, or week, or month he says "I still want out of this marriage." The mistake isn't in having sex...the mistake is in thinking it means the MR is back on track.
OMG I feel evil. If/when he initiates and you have decided to go along and it gets to a certain point, you can ask him if he has "protection".
W:"H, I do not want to have unprotected sex"
You can add: " until (more boundaries)" such as "A clean bill of health from a doctor" or whatever.
Less words is almost always better.
I laughed so hard at this and I love the way you think. Only thing is we both got clean bills of health last year after his EA ended and we are both healthy as an ox in that sense. But again, I love your sinister way of thinking. Lol!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
...we both got clean bills of health last year....
Perfect. I would still be very careful. Who knows what could have happened in a year.
I believe you are on the right path. I would strongly suggest some 180's when you choose to be intimate. Do some research and learn some new "skills". For example, If you were not assertive, learn to be.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
...we both got clean bills of health last year....
Perfect. I would still be very careful. Who knows what could have happened in a year.
I believe you are on the right path. I would strongly suggest some 180's when you choose to be intimate. Do some research and learn some new "skills". For example, If you were not assertive, learn to be.
That’s so true. However, I just had another full check up recently and I’m good. We’ve been intimate since last year. But I do agree with you.
When you say do a 180 when being intimate can you elaborate? I don’t think I was totally assertive before. To be honest with you, last year before my H EA I withheld sex A LOT. It wasn’t abnormal for us to go a couple of months without having sex. This went on for about 4 years. Sex wasn’t as spaced out at first but it started to get worse as time went on. I’m ashamed to admit that but I’m just being honest. Then when we did do the deed, I pretty much just wanted it over as quick as possible. I’m sure he felt that. I’m also sure (because he told me) that he wondered if I was attracted to him. He also wondered for the longest if I was having an affair on him. He wondered if he was doing it for me.
So when he did have an EA last year, I didn’t excuse it or blame myself for him choosing to cheat. It was a choice he made. However, I was able to take responsibility for taking for granted that my H would never cheat on me. For me sex became a chore and I would make any excuse in the book to not have sex with him. My head hurts, I don’t feel well, you name it. If the shoe were on the other foot and he didn’t want to have sex with me, I would have felt the same way he did.
That said, tteee were things that he too could have done to help me be more in the mood. We’ve talked about this so he definitely knows this. I know this is TMI but my husband is a pleaser in the bedroom. So when I would shut him out, I’m sure it messed with his confidence.
So back to my question (sorry I just wanted to give a little back story) can you be more specific about how I can do a 180 when being intimate. Also what would I research? Thank you so much for your help!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
So back to my question can you be more specific about how I can do a 180 when being intimate. Also what would I research? Thank you so much for your help!
Living, can I suggest checking out Emily Nagoski? She is a sex educator and author. She has some Youtube Ted talks as well as a very well reviewed book "Come As You Are". I haven't read it yet, but from what I have read of hers she really opens the dialogue for you to consider what you want/don't want in the bedroom.
Her premise is "turning on the 'ons' and turning off the 'offs'".
So back to my question can you be more specific about how I can do a 180 when being intimate. Also what would I research? Thank you so much for your help!
Living, can I suggest checking out Emily Nagoski? She is a sex educator and author. She has some Youtube Ted talks as well as a very well reviewed book "Come As You Are". I haven't read it yet, but from what I have read of hers she really opens the dialogue for you to consider what you want/don't want in the bedroom.
Her premise is "turning on the 'ons' and turning off the 'offs'".
Thanks Yail for the suggestion, I’ll check her out!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
...we both got clean bills of health last year....
Perfect. I would still be very careful. Who knows what could have happened in a year.
I believe you are on the right path. I would strongly suggest some 180's when you choose to be intimate. Do some research and learn some new "skills". For example, If you were not assertive, learn to be.
That’s so true. However, I just had another full check up recently and I’m good. We’ve been intimate since last year. But I do agree with you.
When you say do a 180 when being intimate can you elaborate? I don’t think I was totally assertive before. To be honest with you, last year before my H EA I withheld sex A LOT. It wasn’t abnormal for us to go a couple of months without having sex. This went on for about 4 years. Sex wasn’t as spaced out at first but it started to get worse as time went on. I’m ashamed to admit that but I’m just being honest. Then when we did do the deed, I pretty much just wanted it over as quick as possible. I’m sure he felt that. I’m also sure (because he told me) that he wondered if I was attracted to him. He also wondered for the longest if I was having an affair on him. He wondered if he was doing it for me.
So when he did have an EA last year, I didn’t excuse it or blame myself for him choosing to cheat. It was a choice he made. However, I was able to take responsibility for taking for granted that my H would never cheat on me. For me sex became a chore and I would make any excuse in the book to not have sex with him. My head hurts, I don’t feel well, you name it. If the shoe were on the other foot and he didn’t want to have sex with me, I would have felt the same way he did.
That said, tteee were things that he too could have done to help me be more in the mood. We’ve talked about this so he definitely knows this. I know this is TMI but my husband is a pleaser in the bedroom. So when I would shut him out, I’m sure it messed with his confidence.
So back to my question (sorry I just wanted to give a little back story) can you be more specific about how I can do a 180 when being intimate. Also what would I research? Thank you so much for your help!
Hi Living,
One of the funniest things about sex is that it is subject to the Law of Diminishing Returns. Meaning that the more times we have sex with one person, the less exciting it gets. It's all in your head. If you could look back clearly and logically, you'd be able to see that you also acted differently in the beginning. At this point your probably thinking, "Well, duh". But this is one of those things that is simple, but not easy. So the 180 while being intimate is primarily going to take effort with maybe a little bit of technique learning or openness to trying new things.
Maybe this was dumbest post ever but I hope not
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
So back to my question (sorry I just wanted to give a little back story) can you be more specific about how I can do a 180 when being intimate. Also what would I research? Thank you so much for your help!
Ovrrnbw stated it well.
Also, browse the book store in the sexuality section. Lots of ideas for change there.
I believe there are lots of 180s. The key is to make it exciting and unknown. Unpredictable.
Location. Initiation. Who crosses the finish line first. Who is directing. How long the session lasts. How many times each of you crosses the finish line. How frequently. When foreplay starts. Costumes. Toys. Acting.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
...we both got clean bills of health last year....
Perfect. I would still be very careful. Who knows what could have happened in a year.
I believe you are on the right path. I would strongly suggest some 180's when you choose to be intimate. Do some research and learn some new "skills". For example, If you were not assertive, learn to be.
That’s so true. However, I just had another full check up recently and I’m good. We’ve been intimate since last year. But I do agree with you.
When you say do a 180 when being intimate can you elaborate? I don’t think I was totally assertive before. To be honest with you, last year before my H EA I withheld sex A LOT. It wasn’t abnormal for us to go a couple of months without having sex. This went on for about 4 years. Sex wasn’t as spaced out at first but it started to get worse as time went on. I’m ashamed to admit that but I’m just being honest. Then when we did do the deed, I pretty much just wanted it over as quick as possible. I’m sure he felt that. I’m also sure (because he told me) that he wondered if I was attracted to him. He also wondered for the longest if I was having an affair on him. He wondered if he was doing it for me.
So when he did have an EA last year, I didn’t excuse it or blame myself for him choosing to cheat. It was a choice he made. However, I was able to take responsibility for taking for granted that my H would never cheat on me. For me sex became a chore and I would make any excuse in the book to not have sex with him. My head hurts, I don’t feel well, you name it. If the shoe were on the other foot and he didn’t want to have sex with me, I would have felt the same way he did.
That said, tteee were things that he too could have done to help me be more in the mood. We’ve talked about this so he definitely knows this. I know this is TMI but my husband is a pleaser in the bedroom. So when I would shut him out, I’m sure it messed with his confidence.
So back to my question (sorry I just wanted to give a little back story) can you be more specific about how I can do a 180 when being intimate. Also what would I research? Thank you so much for your help!
Hi Living,
One of the funniest things about sex is that it is subject to the Law of Diminishing Returns. Meaning that the more times we have sex with one person, the less exciting it gets. It's all in your head. If you could look back clearly and logically, you'd be able to see that you also acted differently in the beginning. At this point your probably thinking, "Well, duh". But this is one of those things that is simple, but not easy. So the 180 while being intimate is primarily going to take effort with maybe a little bit of technique learning or openness to trying new things.
Maybe this was dumbest post ever but I hope not
Not a dumb post at all and I get it. You make perfect sense! Thank you so much!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
So back to my question (sorry I just wanted to give a little back story) can you be more specific about how I can do a 180 when being intimate. Also what would I research? Thank you so much for your help!
Ovrrnbw stated it well.
Also, browse the book store in the sexuality section. Lots of ideas for change there.
I believe there are lots of 180s. The key is to make it exciting and unknown. Unpredictable.
Location. Initiation. Who crosses the finish line first. Who is directing. How long the session lasts. How many times each of you crosses the finish line. How frequently. When foreplay starts. Costumes. Toys. Acting.
Ahhhh I’ve got it. A few months ago I saved a bunch of articles in my bookmarks about how to turn your partner on and about trying new things. Maybe I’ll break out a few of those. I also like the idea browsing the book stores sexuality section. I’ve got a few things I would like to try.
So I can add this to my other techniques and like you said, make this fun. I also know to have zero expectations because who knows what will happen with my H. He’s so all over the place. One day he wants out, the next day he loves and misses me. I also don’t plan on being available every time he wants. It’s pribabky wrong to feel this way but I want him to suffer a little.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
A few months ago I saved a bunch of articles in my bookmarks about how to turn your partner on and about trying new things. Maybe I’ll break out a few of those.
It sounds to me like this isn't an issue?Perhaps down the line, but is it really about him right now?
Originally Posted by Living
I also like the idea browsing the book stores sexuality section. I’ve got a few things I would like to try.
THIS is the important line.
Originally Posted by Living
So I can add this to my other techniques and like you said, make this fun.
