Whirlwind of Hurt 5

[LH19]

That and I can't get her CC company to stop notifying me of her charges and she is buying some weird things.

Curiosity is getting the better of me TF. Do you care to share?

[SteveLW]

TF, work on detachment. No matter what she does. What she says. What you are privy too, TF should be emotionally unphased.

Work on separating your emotions from her words and actions. Trust me, the better you get at that the better off you will be.

[EZdozit]

TF,

My WAW has pulled that stunt about having certain clothes needing to come back to her place on exchange days. She puts the responsibility on S rather then communicate with me directly and it has caused him to walk on eggshells. I finally put my foot down and told her to stop with that bull$hit and let him be a normal 6 year old. It really got out of hand where she instructed S that the underwear, undershirt, and socks he had on needed to come back to her house.(WTF..)

I just firmly told W that s comes to her place in shoes, shirt, socks, pants, etc...just the same as he does to my house. Since I had that communication it nipped that behavior in its tracks.

It’s insane how self righteous WAW get in their current state...

[Twofeet]

LH19,

She made purchases from a company that sells menstrual cups. I didn't know such a thing existed and with her hangups I am surprised she would be able to use them. The other purchases are with a company that sells feminine products that women use to help strengthen their pelvic floor (another thing I am surprised she would be able to use with her hangups). The only things I can think of needing something like this would be for issues such as incontinence or improving sexual pleasure. You can see where the latter lead me with circular thinking. There were other purchases but I can't figure out what they are. So a couple things with this. She goes out to eat a lot, plus all these other purchases and she says she is broke and can't pay me for the money she owes me right now (remember she makes much more than me, but historically is just sh!t with finances). Now the other thing. She had/has some pretty big hangups sexually, and with the familiarity of her own body. In the past I have had to help her with her health issues. I am not well versed in women's health, but it often seemed like I knew more than she did and she would come to ask me for help or info. Sexually, because she was my first and only, I had a lot of patience and also didn't know better growing up with her. I know quite a few guys who wouldn't put up with what I have had to do and would drop her like a bad habit. She knows this as well as she has mentioned it in the past. Despite all this I/we managed to overcome and workaround alot of her hangups and had a fairly healthy sex life up to the day of BD when it dropped to zero. As far as the CC goes, I am not on the card but they still notify me of purchases even though I have called them about it.

Steve,

I am rebuilding myself and while I thought I was strong, its apparent I am not as strong as I thought I was. Using that marathon analogy, its like I thought I was on mile 5, but faced with reality I am only past the first mile. I need to be harder, but not harden my heart if that makes sense. I wish I had a local men's group to go to, but I haven't found anything yet. Venting on here helps though and I appreciate everyone's input. Not just the guys, but the ladies input as well.
I know she is struggling with her problems as well. D8 told me yesterday out of the blue that mommy told her its ok to cry and she should cry whenever she feels like it. Then she told me Mommy cries from time to time at her house. While I don't know the specifics of her tears, my heart pains to hear that. What is better to think/feel is W shouldn't be ruining other peoples happiness (ie me) just because she can't find her own.

EZ,

I am almost to the point where I have had enough of her B.S. I know in her comments to me she is trying to be as separate from me as possible, which I get. However, its hard for both of us because of our kids. I posted on pain18's thread about treating the W as the biological stepmom. I think I just need to step it up to another level. Treat the kids as my kids not hers. I really need to be the true leader of the household, the family, the kids. Even though she is a coparent her actions and words indicate to me she should be treated like a part-time babysitter. She said in the phone convo earlier this week about the calendar and scheduling that she feels like we are both trying to lead. Next time I think I just need to say I lead you follow, then follow through with actions.

[Twofeet]

Ez,

I also wanted to mention that she would complain to me that I was too dominant and that all I ever wanted was a more submissive wife (something I posted about a while back). Well since we separated it feels like she wants me to take the reins even more, be more dominant, be more of the leader. The exact opposite of some of her complaints. Either she is just being lazy or selfish to push off responsibilities or she has no freakin idea what she wants. Actions speak louder than words.

[EZdozit]

TF..

Yes mine is the same way. W has been coming to me about random things she knows the answers to and asking me if this or that is ok since I fully got my b@lls back...yet when she left one of her main issues was she essentially wore the pants in the relationship as I got lost in the MR.

It’s their journey that they need to go through..

Definitely right actions are key...talk is cheap.

[Twofeet]

D8 had as far as I can tell a panic/anxiety attack at school. How did I find out? W called me and asked that I pick her up. "Hey W what's all that noise in the background. " W responded "I am on lunch at the work cafeteria." Yeah ok I tell W I am not on lunch I am out doing field work. W says she is just too busy and I need to get her. I just decide this isn't worth fighting over, especially since it concerns D8. I pick her up, I tell the school office I need to be the primary contact not W. I have more flexibility to handle issues with the kids, so they make the change. I take D8 back to work with me. On the way to picking up the other 2 kids I let D8 call W to talk about how she was feeling. W talks to me after, I let her know I think it was some kind of panic attack. The school nurse was out so I don't know for sure. D8 is doing great now. I then picked up the other 2 kids. D5 wet herself at school today. I text W the info. W called and I answered out of habit. BAD MOVE. She basically called to chew me out. She is worried about the kids and she is concerned about what I am saying to them. Apparently D8 told W she is disappointed in W because Daddy loves W and would never D her and W D Daddy and left. W then said she told D if she loves me so much she can just live with me FT. D8 said she didn't want to do this so W told D8 Daddy hurt her feelings very badly. Then W said she showed D8 tears. I tried to validate her feelings about the kids health and get a word in edgewise. It was hard and she is just going on a full blown rant then hangs up. She calls back and I answer. BAD MOVE #2. She starts ranting again about how I am messing our kids up. I just stop her and tell her I am not going to sit on the phone listening to her cuss at me. She says you cuss, I cuss , put on your big boy pants. I say I have been working really hard at not cussing and I am not going to listen to her if she is going to talk like this. I then tell her IC told me kids would try to manipulate us. That's what kids do they have a selfish worldview. I tell her things they say go both ways, but I don't let it bother me. You know I don't say things that would affect them. Goodbye.

It took a lot of effort to not get goaded into that fight. She D me out of the blue, packed her things and left. What do you expect, the kids are just going to be ok with her subpar behavior? Somehow this is my fault like I did something to her? Does she think our kids are just stupid and I am manipulative? The kids get it. They got it figured out on day 1. D8 is scary smart, she could pull our strings when she was 4 years old. I am so angry right now. I just want to call her up and chew her out, but it's a fruitless endeavor. Man, it takes a lot of effort to be the bigger person.

I keep telling myself I want to R with my W, but not this person. I don't know this person. The W I M is not the W who is D me. The overnight transformation to this hurt monster was astounding. I stupidly thought she might be softening up. Nope, she is the same as she was on BD.

[burned]

TF,
Good that you came here to vent.
Deep breaths. Go for a quick run around the block. It’s clear that your children matter to you more than anything. And it must be so hard to see them suffer. You are the bigger man here and you can trust in that.
You’re surrounded by suffering. Your children are suffering. You are suffering. W is suffering. This might be the worst part of the crisis. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as kindly as you would treat D8.
Don’t take the bait. Let her talk, remember that she is describing feelings, not facts. Let her rant, it’s what she feels she needs to do. Validate, if you can, or just listen and let it fly by.
“Thank you for telling me how you feel, I need to process all of this, and I’ll get back to you.”
You are the rock. Let the waves crash against you.

Or just find a heavy bag and beat the stuffing out of it.

[Ready2Change]

D8 had as far as I can tell a panic/anxiety attack at school

Did you get more details from D8 about what happened?

D5 wet herself at school today.

Think how stressful this is for you a full grown man. You and your kids are being "Drug through the mud" and the best thing you can do is Just keep loving your kids. Let them know you will always be there for them. Hugs and more hugs. Keep forgiving their mother. She knows not what she is doing.

she is just going on a full blown rant ...

She basically called to chew me out.

She starts ranting again

I answered out of habit. BAD MOVE.....She calls back and I answer. BAD MOVE #2

I do not think this is bad. Your job is to listen and understand. Not agree or argue or debate.

I tried to validate her feelings about the kids health and get a word in edgewise.

Better to just listen. When she says "Are you there??" You respond with "Thanks for sharing. Anything else?""

I then tell her IC told me kids would try to manipulate us.

Bad timing. You can't reason with people when they are angry.

[Twofeet]

R2C,

D8 said it felt kind of like heartbreak. That is the term she uses to describe her feelings when W broke the news. There was a lot of hyperventilating, panic, tears when the news was broken. I posted about it a while back if you want to go read about it for a refresher. Worst day of my life.

W and I used to be able to talk about anything. Nothing was off the table. Post-BD communication has become so precarious. It is usually me listening, validating, then when appropriate I try communicate back to what feels like mostly deaf ears. Deaf ears due to what I perceive to be pain, anger, guilt, shame, who knows.

Everyone says its supposed to get better, but it sure doesn't seem that way. Since she S it has calmed a bit, but not gotten better, nor worse. Is this the new normal? Nurturing children and waiting for the next blow from W or having to communicate with W about kids/finances while trying to manage her slight edge of hostility? Good grief, put a fork in me.