I hope all turns out well for your daughter, Dtrmined. Thinking of you!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Updating... A very crazy day yesterday. mostly spent at the hospital and my daughter is now in a place for the next 3 days. I hope they give her the tools she needs to get back on track! Wasn't even supposed to see my W this week, but ended up spending close to 6 hours with her over the last 2 days and talking constantly about our daughter. Weird. We always come together very well with any crisis (except our MR, no jab intended, just pointing that out) so most of the conversations were easy and we communicated well. There were a few times I could have said some things, but I didn't. I listened, validated and did not steer anything towards our MR or any type of R talk. Even though I know part of the issue with our daughter is the MR relationship and how it is and has gone.
Already spoken with her twice regarding our kids this morning. There was one financial issue that came up. She dodged it quickly, I didn't force it and moved the focus back to our children.
My first time without the kids. I wouldn't wish what my daughter is going through on anyone, but it was great to see them both even for a short time. I am hoping I get a little time to visit with my daughter this evening (her choice if she wants visitors or not). It is lonely at the house. Dealing with that loss and doing all I can to keep busy. Man. I am cleaning and doing stuff like nobody's business!
I am constantly battling the sadness, loneliness and loss presently. The "weight" of our relationship and having her out of the home is good. My kids being gone is not. Understandable with what is going on, my W looks very tired, can't complete her sentences when we talk and is always saying she is exhausted and needs sleep. I am making sure that I am always looking my best as I truly don't know when I will get a call and may have to meet for something regarding our kids. Just preparing for the future mostly. I don't like it. I still love my wife. GAL all the way. Adding in some more activities both with the kids (next week) and individually when I unfortunately don't have them. Went to a Christmas party a couple of nights ago as well. I was a work related function, but a couple hundred people, food and drink. It was fun. I didn't tell my W that I was going. No one to answer to at home so I didn't volunteer. She did call during the event and I took the call since it might have been about our daughter. She said "whats that in the background" and I informed her I was at a function. She hesitated for a moment and then said "well, I didn't know you were doing that and I guess you don't have to let me know either". I didn't respond. I did get a compliment or two on how I looked so that was a nice ego boost. I did leave early but I think it was a successful evening out. I have another one next week as well. Keeping busy and looking forward to having my children back on Friday!
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
I was reading through some posts a little bit ago and came across one that talks about becoming the man you were (or the man you want to be) and some suggestions on this. This "used" to be me. I wasn't worried about anything. I walked with purpose with my head held high. I was no better than anyone, I just knew I would work harder, smarter and better than they would. Realizing I lost this part of myself a while ago. That "my purpose" became figuring out how to take care of my W with her issues. I became her caregiver of sorts and as I said, lost myself in the process.
We are now physically separated. The weight of the "situation" is no longer weighing on my shoulders everytime I pull in the driveway. This, I believe, is a good thing. I am calmer. I am handling things better. I am even sleeping better. There are still some very down times, but they are further apart. I kind of lost it by myself when I got the Christmas decorations out of storage to put them out. 21 years of memories just jumped out at me. It was VERY emotional for a little bit. This week is the anniversary of the date we actually started dating. I had forgotten until it just popped in my mind yesterday for no reason.
Unfortunately, we have to communicate and have seen each other ever day due to our D still being in the hospital (she will be ok, but may be there a couple of more days). So there really hasn't been any time for us to not communicate. I keep my questions/answers short. yes/no if possible and validate whenever possible. It is difficult sometimes as she is still very selfish and therefore not really concerned about our children's responsibilities school or otherwise at this time. I am choosing my battles. When we have seen each other, I make sure I look the best I can. Jeans and a T-shirt or a suit when appropriate, I have always looked like I walked off a magazine page. Not a competition between us, but she is looking very tired, dangerously thin (I did the math and she is by the bmi calculator at an anorexic weight. Bags under her eyes and she rarely has her hair and makeup done (usually just the "i'm going to the grocery" make up and hair. Clothes are sometimes covered in animal hair, wrinkled, unmatched, etc. We only have a short window to see our daughter and it is in the early evening so it is not like she didn't have time to get ready or anything for the day or just for her daughter.
She has cashed everything in to fund her lifestyle for a little while. I don't see her changing her mind any time soon and the longer I "let" this go on without filing or anything else, I feel will just enable her more enhance her feeling of my not being a "man".
DB'ing is counter intuitive or so this has been mentioned at least once or twice on here. If that is true, my instincts are to "take care" of my W (NGS) and wait this out. The counter intuitive part of me says to drop her like a bad habit and if she changes her mind, if I'm open to it, then cool. If not, let's move this on. What do you guys think? Steve, I know you are going to ask the same question "Do you want a D?" I absolutely do not. I also am the only one left in this MR so it really doesn't matter what I want at this time. I need a stable home for my children and for myself. If that includes my W, then awesome, if not, then awesome as well.
What do you guy's think?
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
I think if you are asking us, you're still not quite ready. You will know if it is right for you to file. Unless there is a pressing legal/safety/emotional health reason, maybe hold off for a bit.
IF however, you feel like you just wish to move on then by all means go ahead and file. You seem to be making healthy choices, so continue along that path.
Concentrate on what you can control. You. DO NO TRY RESCUE HER. She doesn't want you to rescue her no matter how bad she looks.
Let's talk about wanting a D. As I said before, eventually your desire to heal and move on will outweigh the "I don't want a D" stance. As in, "Yes, I will take a D over this." BD is almost 15 months ago. No one would blame you for moving forward with a D at this point. But make sure you are all in on it before doing it. Regrets are not fun to live with.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Since I'm at a similar decision point, for similar reasons (to enabling her to continue disrespecting me and treating me like "less than a man" by controlling the D process and trying to force what she wants), I'm curious: Steve, you and AS have said on various occasions that if we file there might be regret. What would the regret be? I mean, what are the things to take into consideration here? What would it look like for a poster to express regrets about filing?
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Burned. I appreciate the question. I think Steve was referring to, for example, if I filed I never would know if waiting, dbing and being amoafwl would have worked. Reading through the posts (yours included) the common theme is that as men we are doers and we feel like we have to do something, anything to move our lives forward. When in reality if we can just relax, sit back and let time do what it needs to, perhaps the WAW/WW will have the opportunity to reflect and may choose that the MR is a better option. Does it always work out? I've seen many times on this board that the odds are not in the LBS's favor. I've also read a bunch that have worked as well. I guess that is the question and the lucky get to know only because their spouse chose to come back. If they don't, you NEVER know WHY! And you NEVER know if you had done things differently if it would have resulted in a different outcome.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Dtrmned/Burned, I am curious what you both think filing for D will accomplish? My thoughts are it probably won't change anything for you guys or for your W's.
RyanHun, I don't think it will change anything in my case, just speed up the process and start the healing. But there is always that Steve guy whispering in my ear "give it another day" "relax" " let the process work". Wise words. I am tired of my W just using me. period. But the whispers are still there. Rumor has it one day I will not hear the whispers any longer and I will know it is time to proceed. Until then I'm just a frustrated LBS trying to get through this with some sanity left over!!!
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Dtrmned, I am very new to all this but letting go of things will start the healing process not filing for D. Filing for D also will not likely stop W from using you, only your actions and responses to her can stop that. I'm sure Steve will chime in.
