This morning saw there was home made spaghetti sauce in the fridge. She made the recipe that my Mom taught her. She made it somewhere else and brought home a container. Not the other way around. Brought it home. Not long after BD she had said after making it, that this would be the last time she made it for us/me/ whatever (memory is not very clear right now)
Felt like my heart was ripped out all over again. finished making my lunch, said goodbye out loud and left. She wasin the bathroom with the door shut so I doubt she head me.
Got into the car and imploded like a super giant. not just tears, past tears by light-years. I can't FOXTROT do this anymore. I can't stop loving you (her by name). I don't want this. I feel so broken right now W. I love you so FOXTROT much.
I normally don't swear but i was then. I feel so lost. Calling about a coach today.
I want the miracle God.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
I didn't but I so wanted to go back into the house while I was falling apart and fall apart in front of her. I am not uncaring. I... don't know what to do without her.... forever ...
can't fall apart at work.... that would be just bad right now...
i don't know if i am ready to call a phone coach, preparation that is, but it seems preparation be tossed out the window.
Last edited by Turbine; 12/03/1801:59 PM.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Are you in IC at all Turbine? Sounds like you should look into it if you aren’t. You may also want to see your doctor about an antideppressant or something for anxiety. It’s not a fix but it could help you to stabilize a bit. I’ve started reading about co-dependency and also have The Language off Letting Go which is a 365 article (one for each day of the year) that help to move you in that direction. I know how painful this is T. I only see my H for very brief periods of time so am not faced with it constantly but when I do see him, it definitely affects me. I miss him but the person I missed left long ago and an imposter showed up in his place. You have to really double down on finding you...without her. It’s the only way. Maybe find some more GAL activities that are more social in nature? A support group even? I can’t recall which LBH on here is going to one of those but he finds it very helpful. You need an outlet to work through these feelings of you. Are there crisis services where you live? Somewhere you can go to talk to someone when you are having a really bad day? Anyway...those are just the things that came to my mind. Others on here might have more suggestions. Hang in there Turbine. You are not alone. There are many of us out there going through the same thing and many people who have gone through it and come out the other side better people and for those who reconciled, in much better relationships. That could be you too but not unless you drop the rope. (((Turbine)))
Spent the night at my younger D so getting to court for jury duty should be easier. Right now being selected would not be a good thing. Feeling far from impartial... very very far. Far as in wondering which movie seems better right now. "Hang'em High" or Judge Dread" Rather dark choices.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Are you in IC at all Turbine? Sounds like you should look into it if you aren’t. You may also want to see your doctor about an antidepressant or something for anxiety. It’s not a fix but it could help you to stabilize a bit. I’ve started reading about co-dependency and also have The Language off Letting Go which is a 365 article (one for each day of the year) that help to move you in that direction. I know how painful this is T. I only see my H for very brief periods of time so am not faced with it constantly but when I do see him, it definitely affects me. I miss him but the person I missed left long ago and an impostor showed up in his place. You have to really double down on finding you...without her. It’s the only way. Maybe find some more GAL activities that are more social in nature? A support group even? I can’t recall which LBH on here is going to one of those but he finds it very helpful. You need an outlet to work through these feelings of you. Are there crisis services where you live? Somewhere you can go to talk to someone when you are having a really bad day? Anyway...those are just the things that came to my mind. Others on here might have more suggestions. Hang in there Turbine. You are not alone. There are many of us out there going through the same thing and many people who have gone through it and come out the other side better people and for those who reconciled, in much better relationships. That could be you too but not unless you drop the rope. (((Turbine)))
A support group? Beyond the friends who: former Marine, married to a Filipina, attended the same church and ended up divorced from her? tech sales, he and his W went through an EA and the 5 Love Languages helped them?
I have shared stuff here that I haven't shared with them. So does that include all of you?
Medicate my problem away? No. I had a grandfather who was an alcoholic. My sister has a standing prescription of Oxycontin for long term pain management. Not sure how much of that is actual pain, in her head or addiction.
Am I adverse to getting help? Isn't that why we are here? Something more professional? Yeah, sister is getting that and she is getting crap from the therapist. S was told she should have a service animal. Except she has to have someone walk her dog. Needs help getting the dog shots because it is a full blooded chow and trained like garbage. A "friend" of her told her she can self train her service animal. Foxtrot dog is more a pet and guard dog than service dog. Her dog crapped and pissed in our father's house because my sister was too fat and lazy to clean up or take him outside. Our parents enabled her and she just does her thing expecting everyone else to just fix it.
If our aunt dies then I will have to deal with my sister alone because nobody in the family wants to deal with her... at all.
My W doesn't like how I talk about or want to not take care of my sister. Yet she has the same issues with my S or some of her sisters.
Yeah, my life is a mess. I have good friends and great kids. I love them all and the grandkids, absolutely. The one part that I thought I was taking care of was what I really wasn't.
Our entire married life has been far from typical. In the entire time we have been married my W and I have been "just" the two of us... zero days. Because when she came here, we got our family started before we were married. I called home on Father's Day in 1987 to wish my Dad Happy Father's Day. My W and Mom (multiple phones in the house) broke the news to me. I was speechless. W was really upset and thought I was angry. Far from it, I was just surprised by the news. I mean I knew how it worked... just wasn't expected.
So in the course of 31 years we added two more kids, her mom and her brother. Her brother still lives with us. Conversations take place and I have no idea what they are about. Stuff about the house or whatever. Yes I should have learned Tagalog a long time ago. They all speak English though far better than I speak Tagalog.
So I should get my VA sorted out. Then I could see about getting help through them.
Talking to someone that tells me to give up? To move on without her? I fell apart again this morning. Twice. Or it was a breather. My W would be far more beneficial to my health right now. Except right now she doesn't want to be my W, my Mahal.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
I think this is a good reason to seek out IC and/or a support group.
Originally Posted by Turbine
Talking to someone that tells me to give up? To move on without her? I fell apart again this morning. Twice. Or it was a breather. My W would be far more beneficial to my health right now. Except right now she doesn't want to be my W, my Mahal.
I don't think an IC should be telling you ANYTHING like that. They will certainly assist you in validating your feelings - that what you are going through is so, so difficult. We certainly do that here but there is something very helpful about having a real person in front of you that is there to work with you.
Along the way they may help you see patterns about yourself you may have been unaware of, or assist you in talking through some of your decisions. But they are always your decisions, not the IC. If an IC is telling you what to do you most likely that is not a good IC.
It sounds like you've known some people who've had some bad experiences with IC. Please don't let that deter you. And if you decide to give it a try and find the IC you meet with is a poor fit for you, by all means change and find a new one. That is expected and encouraged.
Okay. First session with my coach. I have been doing most of what she recommended. To be honest I thought I should be a little ahead of what was suggested. Then I recalled that chapter 1 is all about the beginner's mind. So with that thought I am putting my chips on the table and letting it ride. Not sure if this is a card or dice game right now. Doesn't really matter. Its the only game in town worth playing. High stakes too.
Got some homework to do. Have to remember patience is a virtue. (one I am in short supply of...) Remember validate. Follow the don't do list in DR. Follow the DO list in DR. Continue the work on building Turbine 2.0 which according to plan will eventually lead to working on MR 2.0 (avoid mentioning any R/MR stuff). Live in can be a good thing even if tough to do. Gives Mrs. Turbine a chance to see changes without being pushy.
FYI, in a previous post I referred to my W as Mahal. This isn't her name. It is a term of affection. Like saying sweetheart. Mahal translates to love. Didn't want anyone thinking I used her name. That seems to be verboten. Ja?
(Whiskey Tango Turbine can you stick to one language please?)
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
