burned puts one foot in front of the other

[burned]

albeit in your sitch, D is a lot further along then my sitch.

This is what I'm now having the most trouble coping with. I know people say over and over that D is not the end, but if D is not the end, then why does it even happen? I mean, until I found this website, I had never met or heard about a single person who reconciled after D. But it seems to be a thing. If I can get myself to the point where I don't care if it's a thing or not...then that's good either way. But W will be a stranger to me, as will her family, who I worked hard to be a part of, as well as all of our shared memories (half a lifetime). And that's just sad.

Well, my DB metaphor right now is: The ship is sinking and she's at the helm, grab a life vest and start swimming.

[Ready2Change]

3. find and read a book about making small talk before the end of December (cross-links to B.4 above)
3.1. (just added) find and read a book about "dating skills" (ugh) before the end of January (cross-links to B.4 above)

I am sure you have seen my book list:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094


"Rules of the game" and "Always talk to strangers" and "teach yourself flirting" are worth reading.

[Yail]

Burned, I was thinking about your great list. That really is a lot to keep track of! All are excellent goals.

What if you changed it into two lists. This is a lot of goals, so I wonder if you had one list that is PRIORITY, and have only a few items on it. Only 3 or 4. Your top must-dos. Maybe one from each category? And for these goals extend your time period. Two weeks of making the bed won't create a new habit. It takes much longer, so maybe have fewer goals, and be consistent in implementing them.

The second list is NEXT level goals. Give yourself a solid month or maybe 2 or 3 to fully implement Level 1. They need to have stuck for lasting change. Then when they have finally become a part of you - that's when next level goals kick in. Again, maybe only 1 from each category. Still have a back-up list for Level 3.

You may find that some goals are just not that important. You may spend a couple months and say, "you know what? Reading all these books is cool, but maybe not a goal I need right now. Maybe I'll drop it from the list". Be honest with yourself on what goals are for you to become the person you want to be.

Achieving all your Level 1 goals consistently does not stop you from dabbling in Level 2 or Level 3 goals. But you can let go of the pressure of creating them into habits. They will be, just not yet.

[burned]

I like that idea! Will have to rework it a bit with that framework. Might make it seem a bit less overwhelming. And yes, habits take at least 3 weeks to build. But some of those things, starting small, because I really don't care if the bed is made or not (it's not so much a bed as it is a mattress on the floor, at the moment). If I can do it for 2 weeks straight I could extend it to 1 month straight. Baby steps.

I noticed that the time I spent thinking about goals and creating a structured list was time that I DIDN'T spend worrying about my sitch. So...small win.

I know that W didn't do what she did just because I was living an aimless, goal-less life. Or is that the reason? I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. No matter what, I'm going to have to learn to be an adult again. BD sent me back to the Stone Age. I wasn't THAT bad before but it deteriorated, big time, because I spent all of my energy trying to "fix" the "problem." Everything else went by the wayside. It was survival mode.

And I still miss her, and I'm still angry at her, and I still fear her, and I still hate that I can't stop the D train. So...burninator puts one foot in front of the other, then one crutch in front of the other foot (until the ankle heals)...

[Yail]

ooh, just a note on the "send TY to brother" one. This is great. Having a goal of "send 1 thank you note per week" is a great goal.

There are so many nice things and nice people we interact with in our lives. People LOVE receiving a quick note that says "hey, what you did was awesome". One of my former colleagues was a Fundraiser so it was clearly part of her job to thank donors. But I received at least 2 or 3 notes of thanks from her after events we put together thanking me for my time and energy. I wasn't used to it, but it felt awesome to received. It was great for teambuilding and respect. Her notes were never verbose - Two or three sentences is often appropriate, depending on the reason for writing.

They say the key to happiness is gratitude.

[burned]

They say the key to happiness is gratitude.

And proven by positive psychology research.

I have a "gratitude journal" which is really just a section of my 5-subject Walmart notebook, and I try to do it once per day. Looks like this:

Current challenge: _____
Lesson I am learning (or learned): _____

Three things I'm grateful for today (3 gratitudes):
1. _____
2. _____
3. _____

Three things I accomplished today (3 successes):
1. _____
2. _____
3. _____

Three reasons why I love myself today:
1. _____
2. _____
3. _____

Apparently when you do this regularly, you prime yourself to start noticing those types of things over the course of the day. So it's not just about reflection, but about actively searching for those things, all the time.

[burned]

W never liked seafood, or McDonald’s. I eat reasonably healthy most of the time, but sometimes I like to treat myself to some junk food.

Tonight I discovered that there’s such a thing as a DOUBLE Filet-O-Fish. Mind blown. Did I order one? Yes I did.

I enjoyed it, in peace, with some watered-down Sprite. Nobody else was there glaring at me trying to make me feel guilty for liking something they don’t approve of.

Life is starting to get just a little bit better.

[Adam04]

W never liked seafood, or McDonald’s. I eat reasonably healthy most of the time, but sometimes I like to treat myself to some junk food.

Tonight I discovered that there’s such a thing as a DOUBLE Filet-O-Fish. Mind blown. Did I order one? Yes I did.

I enjoyed it, in peace, with some watered-down Sprite. Nobody else was there glaring at me trying to make me feel guilty for liking something they don’t approve of.

Life is starting to get just a little bit better.

Wait, what?!?

Okay, the double fish, you get a pass on for just now finding out about... just make sure they add a little extra tartar for the second filet and you don't have to eat the buns. (we eat out , well it's easier to say we "cook" maybe once a week)

The other, the who wha? Watered down sprite, glare? not approving? not saying its a deal breaker; I'm just glad you are enjoying some of life's simple pleasure like Mc Ds. No hot fries to go with that though? It's called a balanced meal if you get your proteins from the meats and then carbs from the fries.

[Phoenix9]

W never liked seafood, or McDonald’s. I eat reasonably healthy most of the time, but sometimes I like to treat myself to some junk food.

Tonight I discovered that there’s such a thing as a DOUBLE Filet-O-Fish. Mind blown. Did I order one? Yes I did.

I enjoyed it, in peace, with some watered-down Sprite. Nobody else was there glaring at me trying to make me feel guilty for liking something they don’t approve of.

Life is starting to get just a little bit better.

This made me smile. I'm happy you are starting to find your happiness again. One step at a time.

It's called a balanced meal if you get your proteins from the meats and then carbs from the fries.

Don't forget a large milkshake for the dairy portion. Food pyramid and whatnot.

[burned]

Copying this over from FS’s thread so as not to hijack.

So, what makes that bullying vs cranky bastard

1. He accused rather than asked (notice he "accused" me and "asked" our au pair)
2. He wasn't really listening to my response
3. He kept going even though I had already responded (this was a big one - he wouldn't just say you've done something, he would go on and on and on)
4. He didn't apologize when he realized that he was mistaken
5. He wasn't afraid to do it in front of other people

On that same night I got "I told you not to stick things to the wall", "why haven't the children eaten yet", "you didn't buy enough sweets" and a host of other things I had done wrong. He is not that way with other people. Only me.

There is a difference between being cranky and being a bully. Being cranky is OK - we all have those days, but it isn't directed at one person, and it is balanced with nice things as well (I love that you did this or thanks for doing that or you look lovely today). Being a bully is systematic, it's ongoing and it's directed at someone who you want to feel bad about themselves.

I see some of this in me, and it means I need to be mindful of it and try to do better. I think our M was a bad combination of two people, one of whom (me) was sort of an insecure person who was likely to direct his frustrations outward, while the other (her) was extremely sensitive to any perceived criticism. So I don’t know that I was a bully. I wasn’t an angel, for sure, but I’m also not sure how she perceived my behavior because I never sat down to think about it and care, until now. (Another thing I just realized, she worked with me for a couple of years and I’m sure it was abundantly clear to her how much more polite and friendly I was with my colleagues as compared to her.)
Without thrashing a dead horse, it does stand out to me that her final justification for why we “fell apart,” before she stopped taking about it altogether (probably because she was tired of me arguing with her about why she was wrong, in my pre-DB days), was that I was always good at making her feel bad about herself, and that being with me was toxic and causing emotional damage (she may even have used the term emotional abuse at some point). I didn’t see myself as an abuser but then again I was bad at “seeing myself” in general.
Anyway. By that point maybe it was rewriting history to justify her actions but I’m putting this out there to hold myself accountable and to see if maybe others have had similar thoughts. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself, but this is one of my major regrets, and I don’t think it’s something she would ever forgive. I’ll just have to hope that as time heals her resentment she might remember the positives (which, I think, were at least as frequent as the negatives) and see the real me despite the difficult times we had, especially during the last year or two.
Oh, but then again, she did cheat on me and lie about it, for months...so, that.

Next post, the one I first intended to write, will be about the progress I’m making in terms of detachment and PMA.