Maybe I am misunderstanding your post. Do you want the cat? If you don't want it then obviously it's a no, but it seems like you hold an emotional bond towards it. If she doesn't want it you could offer to take it and find a home for it. With the house you need to treat it as a business transaction with a business partner. She wants to sell it and you are ok with that then fine, but you need to be involved. I don't think you should put 100% faith in her ability to get it done the way you want. Don't bend over backwards, but don't stand by and let the important things go by without your input. I guess I am kind of just repeating what AMOAFWL said.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
You just come across from a guy that is dropping all of his responsibilities ... And just burying your head and letting her deal with it doesnt seem productive.
Yep, and that reinforces what she has been complaining about, that I don't take responsibility and that she ends up having to do all the cleanup work. On the other hand, I was taking the approach of, "You made your bed, you can lie in it" or whatever the saying is.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
You just come across from a guy that is dropping all of his responsibilities ... And just burying your head and letting her deal with it doesnt seem productive.
Yep, and that reinforces what she has been complaining about, that I don't take responsibility and that she ends up having to do all the cleanup work. On the other hand, I was taking the approach of, "You made your bed, you can lie in it" or whatever the saying is.
And in some cases, thats appropriate.
The car wont start? "Sorry, Im busy" The thermostat isnt working? "Guess you need to call a heating/cooling guy" I want to change the cable package. "Lets get that in your name so that you can discuss with them directly."
But things that you need to be involved in, you should act involved and collaborative.
OK. So I said, "About the cat, I'll keep an eye out to see if anyone wants to take her. As for the house, I'm sorry we have to sell it. I'd like to help you, if I can." She said, "Thank you, and how would that work?" I said, "I don't know, but it doesn't seem right to drop that all on you." She said, "Yes, thank you, I'm overwhelmed, and it's helpful to know that you're willing to help."
Edit to add: then we briefly discussed getting my old car out of the garage. She suddenly seems VERY appreciative of all this. I told her I'd give her a heads up when my parents are coming with their truck to haul it out. She said, "Thanks, I can't imagine your parents would want to see me." Bait, not taken. Guilt, not R.
Edit to add: suddenly I feel much better. I feel just as detached, but less like a jackass. A respectable person willing to help the cashier next door with her real estate transaction.
Last edited by burned; 12/07/1804:25 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I think thats a good interaction (though its a little weird to apologize ). I wouldnt say that you are going to run over and scrub her toilets or pack up all of her boxes or even call the moving truck for her. But it would be appropriate to help get it ready for staging to sell and to help in discussion with finding a realtor, setting the lsit price, and so on. Especially if your expectation is to get half of the proceeds.
Last edited by Amoafwl; 12/07/1804:25 PM. Reason: Added examples
I mean it's true, I'm sorry we have to sell it. But yeah, that was a bit of pursuit. Of course she responds with "Thank you Burned" which means she is very relieved. And I'm not going to pretend it isn't really hard to restrain myself from just going all out with "W, are you SURE you want to do this? This is crazy. Let's start over." Bad Burned, bad. Of course I didn't do it.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I'd get my expectations out in the open so it is CRYSTAL clear what the division should be and also that she cannot sell the house without you OKying it.
Do not go preoccupying yourself (again) into what she might be thinking and anything to that tune. You are a lousy mind reader, we all are. And believe you me that she does not give a rat's behind about you ATM. She is driven with her internal desires and you are not in any shape or form a part of that equation.
And no, running to her, saving Fluffy in the process, help in all shapes and forms with regards to selling the house will not give you bonus points with her. So do not get your expectations up, because you'd be setting yourself for disappointment all over again. It is like a small part of you is dying each and every time. Been there, done that, got the sticker to prove it.
So do not get your expectations up, because you'd be setting yourself for disappointment all over again. It is like a small part of you is dying each and every time. Been there, done that, got the sticker to prove it.
But then why give her any help at all?
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
So do not get your expectations up, because you'd be setting yourself for disappointment all over again. It is like a small part of you is dying each and every time. Been there, done that, got the sticker to prove it.
But then why give her any help at all?
Because you are helping yourself. The better the house looks the more you will be able to sell it for. If she just wants to move to OM's she won't pay as much attention to the price, because she'll be high on love hormones.
). I wouldnt say that you are going to run over and scrub her toilets or pack up all of her boxes or even call the moving truck for her. But it would be appropriate to help get it ready for staging to sell and to help in discussion with finding a realtor, setting the lsit price, and so on. Especially if your expectation is to get half of the proceeds.