You have the potential and you know what you need to do. No go after it. BURNINATE!
I wouldn't have handled this nearly as well without my DB brethren and sistren (or whatever the female equivalent is for brethren).
It still doesn't feel right. H suddenly decides to walk in a straight line in the other direction, ghosts her entire family, says he doesn't care if she sells the marital home, quietly avoids doing any of the hard work that needs to be done that she doesn't feel like doing. W eventually sells, moves to some other town or some other state, or shacks up with OM, and they never see each other again. I mean, that's the traditional narrative for normal humans. That's how it FEELS, not necessarily how it IS.
Who knows what she is thinking. Does the Burninator want to be M to a woman who hates him so much that every time he says "either way is fine with me" she gets even more flustered and runs away even faster? Nope. Is the Burninator planting a seed of respect? (That's not all he wants to plant in W.) Who the F knows or cares. I'm just thinking out loud here.
I hope I'm doing the right thing.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Burned, You are doing the right thing. I know it doesn't feel right and part of that is NGS. What it looks like from an outsiders perspective though is that you are a person that respects himself and expects those around him to treat him with the respect he deserves. And that is a great thing in my books.
I hear ya bud. Sitting here with my kids right now wishing W was still here to complete our family unit. Wish W was sitting next to me sharing love and respect. We will be ok Burn. It's hard, but we will come out on the other side as better guys. We do this because we want to, we need to, we have to. Hang in there.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I’m there with you. It going to be nearly a year since I have had any intimate skin to skin contact. I miss it a lot. As bad as I want it, I certainly don’t want it with just anyone, especially with my W. Just keep reminding yourself that your W has changed. Would you want to date her if she was like who she is now when you met?
Love yourself. Strengthen yourself. Partners love strong, confident folks.
We got this. We’re amazing. We’re kickass.
I pray and reassure myself:
We’re in this for a reason. And it will be worth it in the end.
A sad moment. I was feeling pretty good about detachment. Yesterday I told her, essentially, "Fine, sell the house." I recovered relatively quickly from that, slept well, woke up feeling OK, accepting the reality of the sitch and willing to do what needs to be done.
Then, as expected, I get a text this morning. It's always something. W: "Would you want to keep [Cat]?" This is the cat we got, together, as newlyweds, when we first moved across the country. And I loved that cat. OK, I know it's not the same as a human child, and considering how I feel about the loss, I can't even imagine how much worse it would be if it were a son or a daughter. But I did what I had to do, what a strong DB Burninator has to do:
I responded, "I can't, sorry." I don't know why it hurts so much. But I guess it's the right thing to do. Seed of respect? I hope so. Why she's doing this, I do not know. She's giving up on a pretty decent guy with the potential to build a really pleasant relationship. But every day he wants it less and less...
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
It going to be nearly a year since I have had any intimate skin to skin contact. I miss it a lot. As bad as I want it, I certainly don’t want it with just anyone,
I think this is what I miss most right now, because that's the only time for a long time that I felt any warmth from H. We spooned every night until the day he moved out. No sex, but that connection, however fleeting, made me feel protected and comforted.
Part of me is wondering if there is a middle ground between running to W and trying to solve all of her problems and the texts you are sending saying things like "I cant, sorry." For example, selling a house is a big deal, and from the tone of your note, it sounds like your expectation is that she does all of the work and then sends you a check for half of the profit. Same with the cat - you left and it's her mess to take of however she wants. Im not saying that you need to take the cat....but it seems like maybe you would offer to see if someone you know might be interested. Or try to offer some way of helping in figuring out what to do next. With the house, I may have replied something like "no. If you decide to sell it, I think we should have some more discussion about the process to make sure it all goes smoothly." or something.
Just my thought. Whats the GAL plan for the weekend?
So then I'm being a bit too cold? Is it too late to text her and say, "So I thought about it, and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, please let me know if there's anything I can do to help"? I know I'm not supposed to worry about what she thinks/feels but I'd imagine she's feeling quite overwhelmed at the moment. And I come across as the jerk who dumped her on her butt and made her deal with the fallout of her decisions.
Not much for GAL planned. Work party tonight, then maybe lay low at the parents' place for the weekend.
Last edited by burned; 12/07/1803:58 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I dont think "too cold" is really the issue. My point is more that these are decisions that I woud expect to be more of a "joint" decision. You say this is a cat that you love...so why is it "her" problem only to figure out? Same with the house - it is a marital issue...why should she be in charge of cleaning things, fixing things, finding the realtor, coordinating the showings etc....and then you get half of the sale? Seems like something that should be more collaborative even if it's more as "business partners".
Originally Posted by burned
Is it too late to text her and say, "So I thought about it, and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, please let me know if there's anything I can do to help"?
I would say it isnt too late....but I dont think this is a good text. Because it's putting the control in her area. "Why do I always have to tell you what to do?" Rather than look for her to lead, you offer suggestions more like "It [censored] that I cant take Fluffy. Ill keep an eye out to see if one of my friends can take her at least for the time being." You dont need anything from her, but you are sensitive to the situation and aware that it isnt just a thing she needs to "deal with".
Originally Posted by burned
I know I'm not supposed to worry about what she thinks/feels but I'd imagine she's feeling quite overwhelmed at the moment. And I come across as the jerk who dumped her on her butt and made her deal with the fallout of her decisions..
I mean.....not really. You just come across from a guy that is dropping all of his responsibilities. Some conversations are hard to have. Sometimes you have to engage when you dont want to. But I think until you guys can disentangle yourselves financially and whatnot, theres going to be some things that will still need discussing. And just burying your head and letting her deal with it doesnt seem productive.
