What I learned from Wife's MLC

[kiro]

Exactly. Kiro is not even divorced yet, and he's full of wisdom.

Not really! I just talk (write) a lot. lol 😆

And I’m not officially divorced but I already signed a legal agreement with all the details, but where I live we can’t file until 1 year from separation. So we’ll file at the end of the month 😉

[kiro]

K, thanks. There are soooo many things I could fix in myself. On the other hand, there are many things I would rather not get into because I am tired of self-justifying to prove to myself or anyone else that I was/am a good father/husband. Life is ALWAYS a perpetual opportunity for self-improvement.

But at the end of the day, I stand by what I said: love is bestowed, never earned. Love abides in the space where I shift from asking, "What can you do for me" to "What can I do to help YOU become your authentic self?" I am trying hard to be in this space. And if W is incapable of making this shift, then (to use your metaphor) it would be time for me to pierce through my emotional fog and to find that special someone, version 2.

For me, for now, it is not yet that time.

Paco, my humble opinion is that love is a word that is used very loosely by everyone. What does it really mean to love someone? Can we choose who we want to love or does it just happen to us? Is love an emotion or is it an action? Food for thought

if you really want to do something to your W, what better way then changing the things that made her feel unloved and becoming the best person that you can be? You would be also helping yourself at the same time. You are worrying too much about what she needs to do and how she shoulf feel. Leave this to her to figure it out.

Anyway, these things take time. You can’t skip a step in the grief process. Time is your friend.

Are you separated or still living together?

[SoTorn]

The grief process [censored]. It ebs and flows. I'm fine 90% of the time and then 10% of the time I horribly miss my spouse and partner of 21 years.

[kiro]

Here are some synonyms of grief on Google: misery, sadness, sorrow, pain, heartbreak, agony, suffering

It’s gotta suck by definiyion. Pain must be painful, but it gets better with time. And then it stops.

[kiro]

I think what I was missing the most was my routine and not necessarily my W. I was used to her company for 17 years. The change was brutal and I felt lost and miserable.

But after sleeping alone in bed and not seeing her for an entire year, I got used to a new routine and I don’t miss her anymore.

[SoTorn]

I agree. Yes grief [censored]. IHS [censored] badly. I'm ok when I'm gone. I just went and took D19 to dinner and hung out with her a bit. Made me feel much better.

My WW is sitting in her room above mine. I so badly want to talk with her and spend time. And I really miss sex jesus. 3 to 5 times per week then nothing. This is the longest I have gone without intimacy in 21 years.

[kiro]

SoTorn, I haven’t read your story but I’ll give a couple of advices from my experience. Since your WW is still living with you, I’ll tell you what worked and didn’t work for me when I was at this stage.

You’ll probably get a lot of mixed messages. Don’t be fooled and don’t believe anything she says. This is a long process and won’t be solved quickly or easily. I was fooled many times and it turned against me. You must continue DBing regardless of what she says or does.

At this stage, WW may get attracted to you again for short periods and want to have sex. Take what you can but don’t have high expectations.

What can be attractive to her is if you pull back, no pressure, no R talks ever, no blaming, no criticizing, being gentle but confident, fun, and easy going, positive and up-beat. You could give some small compliments from time to time in a flirty way (but no memtion of sex) but without showing any interest. Being needy or negative is very unattractive at this time.

Do 180s. Fix the things that may have pushed her away.

This worked for me in the beginning. It attracted her back and we had some of the best sex.

But you should not pursue. You let her come to you. If she does, you welcome it in a kind and loving way without any expectation. You’ll still get mixed messages. She will pull back again. Let her. Nothing you can do.

Biggest mistake if she tries to come back is trying to move too quickly. If she’s in a PA, I wouldn’t recommend being intimate with her until the PA comes to an end.

Start taking care of yourself. Get busy. Do things you like, not only with your kids. Go out alone or with friends. Enjoy the extra time you have. But don’t get into a PA yourself unless you are done with your MR.

[kiro]

Here is the reason going too quickly could back fire IMO. In the few months after BD, the WW/WAS is still not certain what she wants despite what she says. There is a lot of emotional turmoil and confusion still. They still have a lot to lose if they leave for good and end the MR. So the opportunity for a R is still possible if it’s not rushed. But it’s very complicated because the internal issues have been piling up for years.

In my sitch, I was able to turn things around a little the first few months, but I didn’t understand all this. Once she started coming back to me cautiously and hesitantly, I thought our problems were over and I started pursuing again, not giving her space, demanding her to reciprocate, and having R talks.

IMO, the real problem is that, although I felt she wasn’t reciprocating and still distant and cold, she was actually trying to give it a last chance to see how she feels. But feelings were never going to come back quickly because she had been building anger and resentment and had been detaching emotionally for years. Pressuring her and demanding her to move quickly is a recipe for failure because I’m asking her to make her decision to stay or leave now instead of giving time to rebuild good feelings, fun memories, and a new emotional connection.

[kiro]

To finish my thought, several months after she left, on at least 2 occasions, she sent me long emails trying to explain why she left. One of the things she mentioned is that she really tried. In my perception then, she hadn’t tried enough. But in her view, she tried and the feelings didn’t come back. This is why it is very risky to rush them into coming back and then putting pressure. Once they try and fail, they may not want to try again. And they leave.

[paco123]

Wow, K. Your words of advice are solid gold. Particularly your reminder for patience, patience, and more patience.

W and I meet with therapist soon. My intent is to listen, to sit back, to give her space to dig deep and to speak with her authentic voice. W feels that over the past 15 years, she has put her needs aside for the sake of others. I want to assure her that I want to understand her feelings and that I fully support her efforts to rediscover that core she believes she has been ignoring.

To answer your question above, love is a verb. Love's meaning is what each couple (individually and as a pair) strive to define for themselves.