Quotes Found on DivorceBusting Forums (6)

[Ready2Change]

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Some people may suggest using every stall tactic you can, to slow the S or D process. IMO, it just causes the WW to feel more contempt for the H. But that's your decision to make. If it is you trying to get control of the stitch, I don't think it will work.

You can't talk her into changing her mind. The more you try to persuade her to not D you, the faster you push her away. Be honest. What do you think you will accomplish by prolonging the S? If you are thinking that in time she will come around and things will just work itself out............you are in for a big let down. It doesn't happen that way.

Don't misunderstand and think I am pushing you to run out and be first to file. I'm not. I want you to take a deep breath and use your head and answer these questions as honestly as you can. Not to me, but to yourself.

You are wanting to make some move that will stall her from ending the M. Right? Those desperate thoughts will likely prevent you from calming down enough to really learn what you need to apply.

As far as she's concerned, the M is over. Taking time or space is what a WW says to just get away from her H. That's her first step. She has already thought it over. Am I saying this is totally hopeless? No. I think your actions could influence the final results. Don't be afraid of the D papers. That fear will imprison you.

Until you have enough discipline to stop initiating contact with her, nothing you do is going to work in your favor. (And don't use your little girl as an excuse to contact WW). So, I challenge you to go this entire week without initiating any contact. If she texts you, give only two to four word responses.......and only if she asks a direct question that requires an answer. Think you can do it?

You see, it's not about what she does, but what you do. It isn't about controlling her actions, but your own.

You know what the majority of newcomers say about the 37 rules? "They are so hard". They aren't hard. It is the individual person who doesn't want to do them. They are afraid to trust them. However, I have little doubt that every newcomer has done every one of those rules at some time in their marital past, and thought nothing of it. But now, they are disparate! Now they feel threatened. They are scared to death and clinging like crazy to keep their spouse from getting a D. Now the dynamics have changed, and the rules seem unbearable. Do you see what I mean?

Remember how you felt when you fell out of love with her? Yet, you want to believe you can still see her love for you shining in her eyes? If this were true, she would not be trying to get away from you! Does she still care about you? Probably, b/c you are the father of her child. But caring and feeling in love are two different things to a young woman. She can care about a friend or a relative. So, don't be delusional about how she feels about you. I'm not saying you are the type, but some men try to tell a woman what she really feels........as though she doesn't have enough sense to figure it out herself. Truth is, she may be confused and don't know what she's feeling........but it is not your job to tell her. It makes women furious for a man to argue about what she's feeling! Just thought I'd give you that little tip.

[Ready2Change]

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What Greek says Coach did to win her back:

I will tell you what Coach did to win me back - after I left our home and filed for D. He stopped doing all the other things that got me to the point of walking out of the door. He stopped trying to arrange my reactions. He stopped trying to control what I would think or do. He stopped telling me how I should feel. He stopped telling me what would happen if... He dropped the rope and said WITH HIS ACTIONS: "Greek, I can see that you are hell bent on leaving for reasons that you have made abundantly clear to me. Some of those reasons have merit and I will deal with them for my own sake. But I can't keep you here and I won't try. The action I will take is to work on areas in my life that have contributed to the difficulties in our R and other R in my life; I will begin to take care of myself in a way I have neglected for some time now (GAL); I will handle protect myself against the legal action you took against our M; I will conduct myself with strength and honor." This was and is totally attractive! It's strong. It's confident. It's respectful - both of me and of Coach.

It's not about 'doing nothing.' It's about doing what works - putting the ACTION in the right place.

Greek

[Ready2Change]

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Joe, congrats, not just on the possibility of recon but on well and truly moving on and finding yourself! I wish every new person would read your sitch beginning to end because so many of them talk about how their wives/ husbands tell them it's over and there is no hope, etc. etc. and they don't seem to believe us when we say that is only how they feel RIGHT NOW and it can and probably will change down the road. I mean your ex was saying all those same things and now look at her, fully repentant, humble and begging you to take her back. And look at the incredible strength you are showing, not just rolling the red carpet out for her and striking up the band as she moves back in, but treading carefully and establishing boundaries. Seriously, you are a model of how this should take place, well done!

[Ready2Change]

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You are suffering, and it shows. This could be the hardest part, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. You’re hitting the anger phase and it will test you. Can you be strong but also gentle? Especially with yourself? Do you have ways to cope with the frustration that you’re clearly feeling? And especially the frustration that comes from the fear that you’re doing something wrong and losing your sense of control, and feeling like you’re losing your W?

One thing for certain is that you will protect your children with your life. Bet you 5 bucks your W knows that and knows exactly how to get under your skin.

NC helped me see those kinds of patterns better, but it took time, and in the moment it’s still hard not to react as if everything is normal and it’s a normal conversation about normal life. The rules have changed, now there’s a thin layer of manipulative WW diarrhea layered on top of everything. It’s all fraught. You have to put in extra effort to see through it. Give yourself extra time. “Act as if” she has some ulterior motive. What is it? And how can you dodge it?


Build up a few different contingency plans, at least in your mind, so that you could honestly entertain the idea that if you told W to go F herself, your kids would be fine. You don’t have to act on any of it. But frustration comes from feeling like you’re stuck with no options except the one that’s being forced on you. So create other options.


The purpose of saying “Email me and I’ll get back to you” is so that you get an extra 24 hours to lose it a bit, spin, break a few dishes, cry a bit, sleep, and wake up the next morning clear headed, thinking, Oh, I see what she did there, here’s how I’m going to handle it. Rather than reacting to her in the moment. Because otherwise she’ll play you.

[Ready2Change]

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Definitely do not ignore problems, address them. Be cool, calm and collected. Handle problems like a business transaction. I deal with 1001 problems a day at work. When I was married I would get very emotional with W about problems, venting and such (not at her, but around her). After BD I was all business when it came to problem resolution. Just like I am at the office. That's the way to treat it.

[Ready2Change]

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One thing that has helped me in a huge way including when waking up is shifting from a mindset of "have to" to "get to". Wake up and think of all the things you get to do. You get to go to work, be productive and socialize with co workers. Tonight you get to go boxing. Tonight you get to go grocery shopping. And guess what you don't have someone to bug you when you go pick up that tub of ice cream as a treat to yourself anymore. You get to do some chores tonight, put on some music, have a glass of wine to sip on while you work around the house and have fun with it. I know things suck but try and spin it around into a positive light.

[Ready2Change]

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Once you progress to the point that you become indifferent to your WW you will feel like a new man. I promise.

[Twofeet]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2823459&page=4

In other words, we know the problems. We know the solution. Each of us has to lovingly offer compromise. But as all of us in this virtual community know, that is a choice that must be made willingly.

It's gotta be more complicated than that, but maybe it's because you didn't provide details. Honestly, I don't buy this brief simple explanation.

The reason they are not willing to make the choice is because they refuse to deal with their issues. They prefer to run away from their issues and blame us for putting it in their face. We remind them of their inner struggles and pains. We are like a mirror for them. They hope that they can ignore their pains and all the emotional turmoils by staying away from us. And it will work for a while.

I don't believe that they built the resentment because of us. I see that explanation as not taking responsibility for their choices and their inner issues. They built the resentment mostly because of their internal issues and their emotional immaturity.

Part of their inner issues is not understanding the difference between emotions and true love. They are so confused internally and they probably have always been even if they appear stable from the outside. They think that the choice they are making is to separate from us, but in reality it's a choice to run away from any intimate relationship and hoping that their pains will go away.

But because they are in such a rebellious state right now and they have the illusion that they solved their problems, they are usually defensive and will get angry if anyone tries to help them.

Unfortunately, everyone around them will realize that trying to tell them the truth is a lost battle (even the therapists IMHO) and will just push them further away. And so everyone who still cares for them decides to listen and approve what they say. Basically, they are like teenagers who are struggling to grow emotionally. They hurt the closest people to them.

Their emotions need to calm down which will take a long time. Then they will need to tear down the wall that they have built and that is blinding them. Then, they may start seeing their issues and then they'll have a choice to make. Either go through the pain and face their issues or continue running.

It is very complicated. So I decided to also run away from her issues and move on.

My 2 cents!

[burned]

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Life is not a trip down easy street in a chauffeured limousine. It's a gritty, grimy slog through mud and broken glass. You let it defeat you or you make it your b****.

[Ready2Change]

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So we are less than one week away from the 1 year anniversary of BD. While Ring and piecing is still going, I can't help but think of and relive the emotions from a year ago.

A couple things keep ruminating in my cortex. First, how long I noticed that she was distant and different last year, but ignored it. Second, how robot like she was in dealing with everything. For a very emotional person her ability to just blatantly state "I don't want to be married anymore" is astounding.

Also, BD was 12/23/2017. On Christmas Eve and Christmas she was very affectionate. Now newbies, listen up. It was very very easy to read this as her having second thoughts. However, she told me later she "knew I was hurting". She even was sharing things with me on her phone after weeks of secretive phone usage. She had removed all the apps she was using for EA, and this was her way of throwing me off the scent. Again, newbies, do not fall for these tactics.

Some of you might ask, why was she doing this? Remember, she was a WW. A WAW would probably have taken different steps, but she was trying to have her cake and eat it too. Her "plan" was out of the bag but she needed me and the security I provide in the meantime. She couldn't have me kicking her to the curb in the meantime. (In fact, she later after we moved to Ring told me that she knew I really loved her because I didn't move on immediately.)

So we are about 9 months into Ring and piecing. And the difference between last year at this time and this year are, profound. It struck me yesterday that we were one week away from the anniversary of BD. And there we were, flirting, talking, sharing, interacting, being a couple! (I did get turned down for sex on Saturday, only the second time since we started Ring. She's been dealing with shoulder pain and they were bothering her. I used it as an example of how I changed, since I used to pout, get distant, and act like an infant. (NGS) Just shows that I have 180'd on that.

Lots of family and extended family events coming up this week and next. So nice to be engaged as a couple rather than acting like two individuals with no connection. And yet I am still cognizant of being self-differentiated. If she were to BD now my reaction would be so much different than it was a year ago.

One other thing, at my mom's on Friday night after my D's basketball game (she hit the game winning free-throw by the way!), my W asked me to get her shoes. Last year I would have sighed heavily, or made it known someway that she can get her OWN shoes. But now I am happy to help her and cheerfully retrieved them for her. 180s galore!

Still lots of work on me to do...but I am proud of the strides I have made in the last year.