Now that it's pretty clear she doesn't, forgiving her isn't high on my priority list. I don't know if that's the right mindset to have right now, but I don't really care. That's how I feel and I don't think I need to be at the stage where I should forgive her for the turmoil and devastation she has caused. Destroying 2 friendships with 2 of my best friends and then now destroying my family in the path of her destructive storm doesn't scream forgiveness for me yet. Maybe someday I will, but now is not the time. I want to put all my focus and efforts on detaching, moving on and healing myself. What she has put me through seems unforgivable right now. But I know feelings are fleeting and that over time, I might decide differently.
You will never detach and drop the rope until you forgive her. Forgiveness is not for her, it's for YOU. It's letting go of all of the anger and resentment, and moving on. You don't have to tell her you forgive her, or say anything at all to her, it's just something you do in your heart. Now that does not mean you FORGET. What's that saying, "those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." So remember, and learn. But do try to find a way to forgiveness.
What is helping me navigate through this is a mindset of caring for the needs of myself and my D4. GAL, engage in hobbies, new friends, and so on. Do it because you enjoy them.
Go to the gym and get it better MAN shape. It's working wonders for me. The strength I am feeling is beyond the physical. It's giving me mental and emotional strength as well and is helping me deal with the lows of my sitch a little better.
I think we will both know when it's time to forgive. For me, it's definitely not now. I don't know when. Maybe next year, maybe in 2020. I really don't know. And I am not going to force it.
So...W has not gone NC for the last two days, which is what is to be expected when I am doing the same thing. She is not sniffing anymore.
I am still planning on dinner with her and D4 tonight. I actually had to contact her to confirm plans.
I know I cannot reverse course, possibly not even warm up...but this is interesting to say the least.
And a little nerve-wracking. I obviously am not completely detached yet and still putting stock in W's words and actions. Now I just feel like she is trying to wrestle some of that power back. Which for a WW, would make sense. I do not think a WW would just lay down arms and begin pursuit all of a sudden. Consistent behavior right?
Don't worry about what she's doing. I guarantee she has no idea what the heck she wants from one day to the next. Be calm, be the one with your head screwed on straight and go enjoy your day, week, month, life.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Don't worry about what she's doing. I guarantee she has no idea what the heck she wants from one day to the next. Be calm, be the one with your head screwed on straight and go enjoy your day, week, month, life.
I believe you. She temp checked me a lot during dinner. Asked me if the friend I met off FB was a date and if she needed to take D4 next time. Told her it was not a date and I would let her know if I had date plans (HAH!).
She talked about getting a 3rd job. I just said “ok” and we continued to talk. She talked about how great this year was despite it’s heaviness. And I thought...”you’re lying”, but let her talk. I basically assumed everything she was telling me about her plans is a lie.
I need to continue to work in stopping her cake-eating. I want her to really start feeling a sense of loss, but I don’t want to come across as an a-hole.
Photo shoot is still planned for this weekend. One person dropped out so we’ll see how it goes.
Don't tell her it was or was not a date. It's none of her business. She shouldn't even know how you met this friend anyways. You're always "out with friends". This is a great way to stop the cake-eating. Be brief yet polite, but break off the convos sooner. I would limit meal together and time together with your daughter too.
Your W is full of "it". This year is great: I went to the hospital for some crazy stuff, had an affair, broke my vows, lied to my husband, betrayed my family, had to get a new job, worried about my husband dating, and live like hell. Don't believe a word of it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Don't tell her it was or was not a date. It's none of her business. She shouldn't even know how you met this friend anyways. You're always "out with friends". This is a great way to stop the cake-eating. Be brief yet polite, but break off the convos sooner. I would limit meal together and time together with your daughter too.
Your W is full of "it". This year is great: I went to the hospital for some crazy stuff, had an affair, broke my vows, lied to my husband, betrayed my family, had to get a new job, worried about my husband dating, and live like hell. Don't believe a word of it.
Straight to the point and no BS as always, ovrrnbw.
Good to know about divulging details as well. I am guilty of saying more than I mean to.
I'm frustrated at myself. I am frustrated that I am continuing to let W cake eat and feel like I am placating her when she talks about tackling the incoming debt together, figuring out plans for the house, D4 education, and plans for when I go on dates. I strongly feel that this is ALL temp checking. All I do is acknowledge the conversation and sometimes unknowingly temp check back.
I really want to convey that it is not about W and I anymore. I want to address that and make it clear on what I am thinking and where I stand without coming across like a jerk. I want to tell her that it is messed up that we are "no longer romantic" but still somehow obligated to do the business end of the stuff like paying the bills, mortgage, coordinate D4 stuff, and so on. I am tempted to just tell to get out of the house, but I cannot express that without sounding angry. I want to continue to set boundaries but not do it from emotions. I need to go through my thread history and look at the advice I was given on enforcing those boundaries because my frustration at her WWness is mounting. I really do not want to blow it up in front of her face.
Key holidays and celebration dates are coming up and I am going to keep it as cordial as possible but I will not be acknowledging dates like our W anniversary and V-day. I am not even sure I want to acknowledge her b-day. I may have D4 pick a gift and give it to her that way. But that's the extent I am willing to go to.
