[Wanted1]

Not sure if what took place last night is a good thing, bad thing or essentially neutral.....

My mom text me that she got a call from a friend that told her that her son had heard W was "busted" with her "running partner" and that we were splitting up. Like most rumors, only partially true...lol.

Like an idiot, I broke my going dark plan and forwarded the message onto W. She didn't seem that upset and the conversation, more or less, evolved into us exchanging a couple texts back and forth on how rumors start and are full of half truths and over embellished, etc. They are especially bad in a small town like we are in.

I did decide to use this as an opportunity to maybe show her I've changed in one aspect that I've wanted to do a 180 on for quite a while. Well before BD. Growing up in a small town and now settling back into the same town, I've always been concerned about what people think and say about me, my family, etc. Again, I think this tendency is exacerbated by living in a small town. One of the few disadvantages of small town life is everyone knows everyone and therefore everyone finds out everything about everyone. It's always bothered me that I put so much weight and concern about what other people think. I was just too stupid to realize that I'm the only one that can change that! Since BD, I've read tons of books/information. One being the book, the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F@#$. It surprised me at how well I've 180'd on this mentality because the old me would have spiraled after I got that text from my mom. Last night? I just rolled with it. Didn't really care much about it to be hones that they know W and I are having difficulties, etc and starting to talk about it all.

I explained this in a couple texts to W. I told her that I have always put too much weight on what people think (she knew this and agreed) and that I've been actively trying to rid myself of that characteristic. She responded "that so nice to hear. It's so liberating that you can free yourself of that. I'm happy for you." Maybe my desertion of going dark just for this particular exchange could plant a small seed of doubt in my W's mind that I "can't change." Doubt it, but who knows?! Nothing I'm doing is changing though. I didn't respond to that text and I've continued my going dark plan.

One interesting tidbit though that came from our conversation was that she still hasn't rented an apartment. Remember, last week, she told me she was moving out. Had an apartment rented and was wanting to move a few of the larger things in. Was that a temp check to see how I would react? Because I think I handled it quite well at the time. I started explaining to her the logistics how things would go with the kids. I never once begged her or pleaded with her. I didn't respond angrily or shockingly or anything like that. I simply took the information and started planning for it.

She offered that information during the part of our conversation when we were talking about how rumors start. I had said that maybe people are putting 2 and 2 together with the new job and that you rented an apartment and that's how it all started and ran from there. Her response then was that she had inquired about an apartment but told the lady to keep it strictly confidential and went on to say that she hasn't signed anything and nothing has been rented.

I will not change a thing I'm doing, however! Keep on the going dark path and see where it leads me.

[LH19]

Like an idiot, I broke my going dark plan and forwarded the message onto W.

"Illusion of action" Doing nothing isn't working I need to do something!

I explained this in a couple texts to W. I told her that I have always put too much weight on what people think (she knew this and agreed) and that I've been actively trying to rid myself of that characteristic. She responded "that so nice to hear. It's so liberating that you can free yourself of that. I'm happy for you.

Actions not words Wanted1. This is approval seeking behavior. I've changed I've changed!

" Maybe my desertion of going dark just for this particular exchange could plant a small seed of doubt in my W's mind that I "can't change." Doubt it, but who knows?! Nothing I'm doing is changing though. I didn't respond to that text and I've continued my going dark plan.

I'm gonna go dark for a day until I can't take it any more and then forward her a text and tell her I've changed. Guaranteed it did nothing but show her your'e still attached.

I will not change a thing I'm doing, however! Keep on the going dark path and see where it leads me.

I think you need to look up what going dark means.

[Wanted1]

My former "friend" keeps texting W. The only "good news" is, it appears my W hasn't been responding as of late. Over the last 3 days, he's sent probably 8 text messages and she has replied twice. Her last response was 2 days ago. He was also the one that reached out initially to her a week ago or so. His W would cut his you know what off if she knew!

I shared this with one of our mutual friends who I've confided in about my situation. He's only one of 2 people I've told what's going on, to the full extent, other than my IC. Last night I told him that our "friend" has been reaching out to my W over the past week. His advice was that I should confront him before it advances any further. I told him that while the thought has crossed my mind numerous times, I don't think that's a good idea at this time.

The one way I've thought about confronting him is if I told him that I know he is contacting her and that it doesn't matter what they are talking about, it is extremely inappropriate, unacceptable and pretty downright disrespectful to me and that if he informs my W that I know they are communicating, I'll let his W know the same. I don't want my W knowing I still have a little recon on what's going on. That would NOT bode well for me. It would only expedite the D process I would imagine and therefore I need to keep it under wraps. For now.

So much for all the remorse and sorrow he told me he had right after their "incident" in May.

I will be confronting him at some point, though. Probably down the road when either we start the process of R or the more likely scenario when I'm D. And if it's the latter, I might just "confront" him by straight up telling his W.

I'm going to lie low in the meantime, though, and just continue to monitor.

[Wanted1]

I’m beginning to wonder if my W is planning on waiting to move out after the holidays....isn’t that cake eating? Getting to play “family” through the holidays to make her feel better while all along still planning her exit? To be honest, I just want her out now. I can’t continue my journey to detachment with her around. It took everything in my being not to embrace her this morning. The physical attraction I have is still so strong. Probably because I haven’t had any intimidate touching in almost 3 months.

Do I initiate a conversation about what her plan actually is? I know that goes against all the rules but If she’s still gung ho on moving out I’d just as soon she do it now rather than later. I know that given more time there is the slight possibility she changes her mind but I don’t think that’s very likely at this point. A hard dose of reality after she moves might be the only thing that makes her reconsider her decision.

I don’t want to be used for the next 2+ weeks so she can feel good about being around for the holidays as a “family.”

[neffer]

Well you are not going dark neither detaching so if you want her out, why don’t you just ask her? That should stop the cake eating. Is that what you want?

[Davide]

Wanted,

That has got to be rough. I wouldn't want to be spending the holidays together in an in-house separation either. If you really do want her out, why not ask? You need to do what is best for your well-being, regardless of her.

Hang in there. Try to get out and GAL as much as you can.

[DejaVu6]

I think you should ask her to move out. It will help with the detachment and it will also help you to take some of your power back. It will also give her a good dose of reality...dispell the myth that all her problems will magically disappear once she is away from you. Don’t be afraid that it will cause you to lose her, that has already happened. If anything, it will increase the likelihood of her coming back. (((Wanted)))

[LH19]

W,

How about letting the kids enjoy one more Christmas together as a family?

[Wanted1]

Well, at least most of the replies lined up with what I did. W had asked my plans for today and I said, "not sure." She pressed a little more and I then said I might go to X and start looking at some furniture. She asked what kind of furniture to which I replied for the living room and kids bedrooms. She then came into the MBR to talk.

Just as I suspected, she started out by saying that she didn't want the kids to have any negative feelings or emotions to surround the Xmas season, so she didn't think it was a good idea to make any massive changes (her moving out) that would affect them and possibly cause them to always associate the holiday season with "us and what we are going through."

I told her that I understand her concern, I've decided that I can't continue to play family anymore. Her being around is not allowing me to continue down my path of moving on. I said that I feel as though I've already started down it, but I can't continue this so that I can continue that journey. I reminded her that she and my IC both told me that if something like this is to happen, our kids are at the best age for it to take place (whatever that means) and so while I know it will be hard on them, any time is going to be hard on them. I said that her texts last week informing me of her decision were all I needed to start my process of moving on and I don't feel as though we should wait for the inevitable to happen. I don't think 20 years down the road, my kids are going to say, "Gee, Dad, I wish you could have put up with that awkwardness so we could spend one more holiday together." What I wanted to say is, you are controlling the situation of choosing to leave, but I'm going to control the situation now as to when it's going to happen. You can't have it both ways. It's your decision and now your get to start the "process" of that decision. But I didn't!

She then told me that she didn't want to move out until we had a custody arrangement set and that my suggestion doesn't work for her. I told her I understand she probably needs to talk to her employer about certain things regarding her work but that I'd appreciate a proposal from her within the coming week and I'd review it. Later on, she came to me with a proposal she thought might work which was essentially switching off every other day during the week and each of us taking every other weekend. Basically I'd have them M-W-F and she would have them T-TH and we would split weekends. That sounds like a nightmare to me. No time to get in a routine or really even bond with the kids. I then sent her another suggestion I found online that is 3-3-4-4 which would give the kids the same routine each week and they are at each household on the same days each week except for weekends which alternate.

I don't know guys, while I feel like puking, I also feel some sort of relief. I've always maintained that she needs to experience what this is going to be like before she would ever change her mind, so I guess that's where it's headed. To be honest, I'm not sure my heart is in it anymore if she would change her mind. I feel just "done" right now.

I did tell her I have a session with my IC on Monday so I'll talk to her about the holidays with such a large transition and see if she has any strong opinions one way or the other. However, I followed that up and said that my desire is that she moves out as soon as she is able and the only reason I would consider letting her wait until after the holidays is if it ends up being in the best interests of our kids that we wait based on what my IC says (and you guys I suppose too!). I wanted to stress to her that my desire isn't going to change but if waiting is better for the kids, I suppose I can suffer through it.

She just informed me right now she's going to look at an apartment that she originally inquired about.

W,

How about letting the kids enjoy one more Christmas together as a family?

Because, her decision is destroying my kids' only sense of family. Why not get on with that decision so we can all start the healing process and move forward? What's the point of spending a Christmas together when the inevitable is going to happen a few days afterwards? Maybe I'm being the selfish one now but that's how I feel. I don't think its best for my well being to be a door mat and let her dictate when she's going to leave. She made the decision to leave, now she can honor my request and do it as soon as possible.

[Wanted1]

Part of the text she sent me just now about going to look at the apartment included this:

Thank you for explaining where you are at. I had no idea so it helps to know what you were thinking. I definitely never intended to be “playing house” while you were waiting for me to leave.