Whirlwind of Hurt 5

[LH19]

It will get better. I just think you guys talk too much. Maybe it's because your kids are younger.

RAI has a nice update on the Surviving thread. He had like 5 kids and a PIMA Ex.

[Ready2Change]

D8 said it felt kind of like heartbreak. That is the term she uses to describe her feelings when W broke the news.

Two events. Same reaction. At school maybe her thinking about the first event? It is important to validate her feelings. Giving the child words to help describe her feelings. Most parents do not do the right thing in dealing with there children emotions. I am not an expert at this, and I do not remember which books were the most helpful. There are things called feeling wheels you can find on the internet.


As an example, I had to help my children deal with anger.

"You look angry"
"I am frustrated"
"We use words to describable how we are feeling"
"It is OK to be angry. It is not OK to use physical violence"
"I love you"
"We can talk when you calm down."
"Please go to your room to calm down and we can talk then"


[/quote]There was a lot of hyperventilating, panic, tears when the news was broken. I posted about it a while back if you want to go read about it for a refresher. Worst day of my life. [/quote]Yes I remember reading that post. Triggered a lot of my own memories. S7 Flipped out. D5 was too young. S9 Didn't react. Guess who is the most healthy? S7 who is now S18. You are the one who will burden the task of making sure the children get the support they need.

Remember this: There is no reasoning with CRAZY. Their mother may snap out of this or she may not. Assume she may not and make decisions on what is best for your kids.

Everyone says its supposed to get better, but it sure doesn't seem that way. Since she S it has calmed a bit, but not gotten better, nor worse. Is this the new normal? Nurturing children and waiting for the next blow from W or having to communicate with W about kids/finances while trying to manage her slight edge of hostility? Good grief, put a fork in me.

I gave up trying to co-parent with my X. I waited patiently believing that should would eventually come around. NOPE.

I hope in your case she does, but it will take a lot of time and a lot of patience.





I guess the bottom line is get some good books on how to help your kids through this. I know the parenting books helped me very much. I had to work extremely hard to even get my X to agree to get the kids into therapy. "They are fine at my house". When in fact the issue I brought up were happening at her house.

[Twofeet]

Well I went to our court mandated child planning today. It the last step before my W can finalize the D. W was super friendly. I had to hold it together when they showed a video of kids getting emotional talking about parents and issues with D. At one point a little girl was crying and said something in the video that really upset me. I think I made a growl/grunt and W leaned over squeezed my arm and whispered it's okay TF we are not going to be like that. Kids have always been my soft spot.

At break W showed me that she got a tattoo. I was initially shocked and she could see it. She was super worried. It was a tasteful tattoo that integrated our kids names. I told W I was surprised, but its something she talked about wanting in the past. I told her it was nice and I liked it. In my head I was not only shocked but upset and I know why now. I have nothing against tattoos, but it's the bigger picture. New hairstyle, hair color, clothes, drinking/ bar scene. She is just going backwards and turning into a teenager/ early 20 something wild girl. It hurts, it shouldn't and someday it won't. These aren't my bad decisions. Her tat is also in on an exposed part of her leg so now she had to be very careful of her wardrobe. She is high enough in her company, which is extremely conservative at the upper echelons, that visible tats are a unsaid no go. No joke she won't be able to get into senior leadership with an exposed tat. Oh well not my problem.

After W wanted to drive around for a few so we could talk children before we left that turned toward dating. Well I had a giant streak of weakness and I effed up royally. Ready? Here we go.

We talked about OP not disciplining our kids, W is the mom I am the Dad. Told her anything happens there will be hell to pay, no threat just a fact. We talked about abuse stats for physical and sexual abuse primarily coming from boyfriend, stepdad, and typically older OP kids. She was well aware of the stats and said we have to be hyper aware and protective of the kids.
W then wanted to talk about dating. She wanted to know if I was dating or planned on it. I said no, not anytime soon. TF dont be afraid to date she says. I say I am improving myself, focusing on my friends, family, kids, work and my side business. I said I am building my empire, and I dont have time for OP in the near future. She said she wasn't dating right now cause she is still M to me, but wants to wait a while to be alone and figure her stuff out. She asks about my plans again I said I am never getting M again, you saw the stats in the class. I say 70% of second M in D, just not worth it. W says you cant tell OP that. I said yes I can, otherwise if they don't like it we are wasting time. W says she will probably never M as well, doesn't want to risk assets or trauma to the kids. She talks about online dating and is avoiding it. I say yes haven't heard good things. Also talked about hookup culture and modern dating scene. I say my morals are R first sex later, but many of the guys I know say no sex after 3 dates means woman gets dumped. My friends in CA (both guys and girls) are telling me it's more like 1 to 2 is standard for their area. This scared W and disgusted her. She says a coworker who is single with kids told her she effed up and W should have worked it out with me. She says the dating scene for divorced moms like them is garbage and they are just going to end up alone, all the good men are married or dont date women like them. I say sorry about that, but the hard truth is you are 35, 3 young kids, W interjects with fat and ugly, I say I always found you beautiful. Anyway your prospects aren't great, you are going to be dating older dudes, most likely divorced dudes. I say the women I talked to say I am handsome and will be able to date ladies in there 20's. W tries to tell me who I can date and how young I say ok I can understand how you feel that way. Where I really effed up is I said I will always keep the door open for W. If I'm not in an R with OP we can always have a talk..... Way to go TF way to tell W you want to be plan B.

After W wanted to know from my connections thought the place she was going to for drinks tonight was awesome. Gave her the skinny on it, she hugged me, then we parted.

Well I wanted to hit her with some reality, but I think I just dug that hole for myself and made myself a plan b. Please smack me silly with 2x4.

Well I am flying to I think pain18 neck of the woods. Going to have a fun work get away weekend. Got to get my mind off things. Feeling sick and hopeless.

[Twofeet]

Sorry for the typos folks. Trying to get this typed up on my phone before my flight.

[Twofeet]

So the other day when she called me and chewed me out was do to being amped up from getting a tattoo. She couldn't believe she got a tattoo and she was on an emotional rollercoaster and went off the rails on me. She told me about it and apologized for it. So in other words the day she was too busy on lunch in the work cafeteria, then later got a tattoo was the day D8 had a panic attack at school and needed someone to pick her up and D5 wet herself at school. The same day she called to blame me as the cause of the kids problems.

Oh on a side note I got my STD panel back from the Doc.... all negative, no STDs, what a relief. Glad I was able to break from that circular thinking/cheeseless tunnel.

I don't want to sound like I am looking for a pity party, but I thought I was a good man. I know I am not perfect and I made mistakes. I know I had hurt my wife emotionally in the past, usually unintentionally, but face it I am human and I made mistakes. I felt overall I was a good husband and I took good care of my W. I tried hard and I sacrificed. What did I do to deserve this? What did I do wrong? Why is God punishing me? Why am I being tested? More importantly why is this happening to my kids? This woman I love, respected, and identified with, who was apart of my identity, you know as two flesh become one. She died, and was replaced by this stranger. I love this stranger because she is still my W, but at the same time is not. I feel guilt, I feel shame, disappointment , loss, and grief. Is this all my fault? Did I cause this ? How did I cause this? Right now I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and die. In fact a part of me has died or is already dieing. I don't have anyone I can really get this deep with except my db friends here online. I used to be able to get this deep with W, but she is gone now. I don't want to fall into a depression. I did once in college, it was horrible. I have fallen off my horse again, and I have to get back on again. I am normally so strong, and I hate being this weak, despicable, and vulnerable. This hurts so much. I have a really high tolerance for physical pain, but this hurts worse than that. This hurts worse than the time I was in poor health from a stomach issue and the pain made me think and feel like I was dying. This hurts worse when W almost died at S3 birth and I thought I was going to be a widower of 3 children. This hurts more than anything I have ever experienced in my life, and it wont stop hurting.

I am so sorry, I don't know what I did to cause this, but I am so very sorry.

[LH19]

TF,

No need to beat you up on the "I will always be there for you" comment because you recognized it was bad.

You keep saying you want to hit her with reality but you can't do that with words it has to be actions. You guys have way too many conversations that don't involve the kids. My ex has been out of the house for 5 months. You know how many convos we had that didn't involve kids. Zero.

You are still so early in the process. You have had the fastest story I think I have seen on this board in 4 years. Which I think is a good thing by the way because a lot of damage gets done in in house separation.

TF I have been telling you for awhile the only thing you're guilty of is falling in love too young. Could you have been a better husband? Absolutely we all could have but you did the best you could with the knowledge that you had. I went on a date with a girl Tuesday who divorced from her high school sweetheart. It's been 5 years and she's still single. It's tough for women in the dating world.

When you say OP are you talking about one in general or the suspected OM?

It will get better and you will get stronger it takes time.

[Twofeet]

LH19,

Just so we are on the same page I said I would always keep the door open for you if you wanna have a talk about an R down the road. Basically Coach CW mindset, but the wrong approach. Basically it screams look at me I want to be plan B. I am open to a reconciliation, but not being plan B.

When I saw OP I mean other person as in any other person. Any OW for me, and any OM for her. No idea if OM1 is even in the picture anymore and its probably better to treat them all like OP=OM1=OM2, etc., etc., etc.

Yes this is happening fast. It's going to be 4 months from BD to D. If the court system hadn't bogged her down it would be 2. I am adapting fast, but like you said it hasn't been long. It's not been enough time for my emotions to catch up. It feels crummy feeling like a disposable H and a disposable MR. Other people saw the signs and had problems months to years before BD. My sitch was literally like a Bomb Dropped out of the blue. Still reeling from the carnage.

[DejaVu6]

So sorry to hear that you are struggling and that you are currently blaming yourself. I, too, went down that path when all of this started. I am not perfect... there are many things I could have changed or worked on had I been given the opportunity by my H. But I wasn’t...he is the one who lied to me for years...he is the one who made the choice EVERY day to keep up his facade and disrespect me and our children. I would not and could not have ever done that to someone I married and built a life with. Very few people could. My H is broken and he needs to fix himself but I’m not sure he will or even that he can. Certainly he has every reason in the world to want to do the work. But it would require a level of honesty and strength of character that he does not have right now. He thinks happiness lies outside of himself. Your W does too and you can’t stop her from looking for it. The only person you can control is you. As hard as it is, you need to let her go and heal yourself. Don’t worry about the dating thing. If you go down that road before you are truly ready, you will only be distracting yourself from the pain and not actually healing from it. Do not worry about what she is doing. She will do what she will do whether you worry about it or not. Why put yourself through that pain? You need to come to terms with the fact that she is gone. I know that sounds harsh but it is the truth. The W you knew and loved is no more. GAL, 180... be the best TF you can be and leave her to her monkeys. You will be better off regardless of what she does and that is ultimately the goal. You did not CAUSE this TF. She is the one who gave up and left, not you. She had many other choices and she did not make them. That’s on her, not you. Stop blaming yourself. You did the best you could with the information you had...as did I. Ultimately, it takes two people to make a marriage work. Forgive yourself. Focus on you and your kids. Make every day the best it can be. (((Twofeet)))

[LH19]

TF,

It's best not to give her any inclination that while she is out on that tightrope that there is a safety net underneath her.

The minute she thinks she can loose TF forever is the time when she will have to rethink things.

Stay strong my friend you are slowly approaching the second mile of the marathon.

[Davide]

Twofeet,

Man. Your update was hard to read. I remember being in that state myself, of taking on the blame and questioning everything that I did. There is a level of self-interrogation that is healthy, but it is very easy to fall into cheeseless tunnels and uncontrollable patterns of thought. A lot of the questions you ask you will never get an answer to. As scary as that may feel right now, it will be okay, even without answers.

Please, remember to practice self-compassion. These struggles are real, but you are not the only one going through them. As bad as it feels right now, it will get better, there really is a light at the end of the tunnel even if you can't see it right now. This group is a great place to share your feelings and look for support. Keep using it.

I know it is hard, but keep GALing. Get out and be active, even if you don't feel like it. Enjoy the time with your kids and get out and be social when you don't have them. Have a great get-away weekend!