What I learned from Wife's MLC

[kiro]

Paco, yes I agree. Be patient. Sit back and listen attentively. Be empathetic, kind and generous. But don’t be needy. Be confident and positive. This is not the time for you to open up, share your issues with her, ask for support or affection, or bring up any complaints about her either from the past or the present.

Unfortunately, there is only 1 person who can be in a crisis now and that’s her. If you want to give a chance to R, you must forget everything you believe about love, commitment, reciprocation, fairness, loyalty, etc. This is NOT the time for such values. I could explain why later, but it’s not really important.

She’s in a bad place now and she needs to heal to get out of her pain. And she will do it either with or witjout you. If you play along and show that you have value for her by being there when she needs you, understanding her without judging, being solid, supportive, easy-going, and fun.

Don’t try to solve your MR issues in these therapy sessions. Many therapists don’t even understand all this. This is the time to help HER heal. If you have the strength and patience to do this, you have a good chance. If things improve and she starts coming back, you will need months maybe years IMO until you have built a solid emotional connection again. Only then you can start addressing some MR issues.

[kiro]

Paco, I’ll also insist on the importance of 2 other DBing techniques and will tell why: GAL and 180.

First, these are important for you to be able to cope with this tough period that could last a long time. You lost your partner and companion at least temporarily. You need to find other ways to stay busy and keep some fun and happiness in your life.

These will also help you in the long run either she stays or not. Take it to heart to fix your own issues. You’ll come out a better person. I became a much better person since this started. I am much kinder and more empathetic to people. I’m a better father. My relationship with my parents and sisters improved. I am much closer to my friends. I am healthier. I eat better, sleep better. I quit smoking. I am not an angry person anymore. I am more patient and understanding with everyone. And much more...

And these will help your MR too. Your WW is unhappy (and bored) with the present state. She wants a change and she will first seek it outside the MR, but if she sees a positive change in you, she will be curious but suspicious that it’s only temporary to gain her back.

180 will prove to her that you understand her and she will be surprised to see you change. But she may become angry at first because it took you so many years and so much pain before you decided to change. But it will eventually draw her attention and attract her.

GAL is important to your MR too.In a nutshell, she’s now looking to do things without you. If you stay home waiting for her, that’s pressure on her. If she sees you GALing, she won’t feel guilty doing her own things and is a sign that you are supporting her

[SoTorn]

Thanks K. I am not pursuing at all. Honestly, my WW has never been one to initiate sex often. WW was very receptive when I initiated. As of now, she is simply just ignoring me. If she compliments me I say "thank you"

Another issue where I am confused is that I keep getting advice to go pure NC. Like total ignore mode. I feel that makes me look cold and that I hate WW. I dont. But I dont want to be flirty and act like everything is normal either. I am not plan b. I know this.

My WWs lover lives in CA. WW told me several times that she has no future with him. I know this. But I feel she hasn't grasped this. I feel that I'm not even in a plan. WW seems to have a plan A to be single and a plan B to be married and have boyfriends.

I am still very hurt with her over A. I dont know if I could have sex with her honestly. I may try and be a tiny bit nicer. Meaning I will just be cordial as if she is a roommate. Not completely cold. As of late I haven't even been telling her bye in the morning. Yes she disrespected and is by talking to OM. But shes an addict. So I know why shes doing it.

I may try to at minimum say hi and bye. WW does cook dinner for me again. She wasnt doing that before.

[kiro]

SoTorn thanks sharing. I’m sorry to hear all that and I feel your pain. You are definitely in a very tough sitch. I won’t claim to have the answers honestly, but people here have a lot of wisdom. You should continue posting and seeking advice.

I’ll give you my personal thoughts.

What I described earlier changes a little if you know that is in an affair.

I think you should be clear with yourself that being in a PA or EA while being married is wrong and unacceptable. You shouldn’t be shy, apologetic or confused about this. You need to have dignity. Sorry if it sounds rude, but you need to man up in that regard. But don’t tell her all that. It’s enough to show it your actions.

If your WW doesn’t get it, that’s her problem not yours. You don’t need to be understanding why she is in an affair because there is nothing to understand. You can be understanding for her pains, her unhappiness, her feelings, etc. But don’t listen to anything about her affairs and her boyfriend. Just tell her you won’t listen to it and give her the cold shoulder. She will respect you more.

This being said, don’t pressure her and don’t mention it either. Just be confident but gentle. Don’t get angry or emotional. IMO, don’t initiate or accept intimacy until the affair is over. Others may disagree. You can’t do much about the affair until she ends it, but you can refuse to be part of a relationship involving 3 people.

I am not sure why you are so afraid of NC or appearing cold. If your WW stays like this and doesn’t realize what she has to lose, you wouldn’t want to be with such a person anyway. Forget the woman you thought you knew so well before. She’s gone and you’re dealing with another person now. You are already doing a lot for her by being patient and not leaving her.

[SoTorn]

I just dont like the tension it causes. I have been straight NC unless she says something. Its just tough. We both have WW that dont seem to care.

[kiro]

My sitch might be different and I’m in a different stage. I’ve been NC for a year but we’ve also been separated for a year. And we’re filing for D. I am past this now. I’m looking forward to my new life. I remain open to anything but don’t mind living alone now or finding a new partner. But I have been in your shoes although I don’t know if my W was a WW or WAW. I don’t know much and didn’t try to know about her EA. When we were still together, I made it clear very early that I didn’t accept that. She said she chose me and the EA was ober but I never questioned whether she really ended it. Most probably not.

Then she continued to act weird for another 10 to 12 months. Lately, she seems to have calmed down and becoming a better mother.

Back to your NC. I don’t think NC means not talking at all if you’re still living together. You shouldn’t do things that create tension. You should be polite, gentle and courteous. Just don’t initiate intimate discussions, no relationship talks, be brief when communicating, don’t seek time with her, no date nights, etc. Do your own things. Be independent. But be happy and up beat. You can still say hi, ask her briefly how she is when you see, say thank you if she does something for you and show appreciation, compliment her from time to time... Just don’t go out of your way to initiate contact. But don’t ignore her if she is in the same room as you. That would be rude. At least that my opinion

[paco123]

K, just to clarify: W and I are physically separated and we hardly communicate. Sometimes, she will initiate contact, but I state my preference that R talks take place with her therapist, whom we both trust. Therapist is excellent and the safe space she creates makes me more comfortable that W and I are speaking and listening to each other honestly and openly.

Both W's mom and sister lived with us at different times, and I am close to her nephews and nieces. These are relationships that are independent of the one W and I have and I maintain them.

Some forward progress in that the anger towards me has subsided a bit since she walked away.

I continue to work on projects that mean something to me. We shared a vision once about how we would spend the rest of our lives in service to others; this vision remains constant for me.

I reiterate my thanks that you are willing to share your hard-earned wisdom.

[paco123]

Oh...one more thing. You are quite right: this is HER time to heal, even during our sessions with therapist. Those sessions are NOT the time for me to raise my issues.

[kiro]

Paco, you seem to be doing all the right things. It’s tough, there is no doubt. Every situation is different. The fact that you both go together to a therapist is a great thing. I never came close to anything like that. Do you know if she also feels good about going to these sessions and not just going to please you?

It’s good that her anger has subsided, but be ready for anything. This is usually a long process and could be a rollercoaster ride with ups and downs.

Also, be aware that your relationship with W could affect that with her family. They are in a difficult spot. My separation affected a lot of relationships with her family and even common friends. Things just become awkward.

I wish all the best

[SoTorn]

My sitch might be different and I’m in a different stage. I’ve been NC for a year but we’ve also been separated for a year. And we’re filing for D. I am past this now. I’m looking forward to my new life. I remain open to anything but don’t mind living alone now or finding a new partner. But I have been in your shoes although I don’t know if my W was a WW or WAW. I don’t know much and didn’t try to know about her EA. When we were still together, I made it clear very early that I didn’t accept that. She said she chose me and the EA was ober but I never questioned whether she really ended it. Most probably not.

Then she continued to act weird for another 10 to 12 months. Lately, she seems to have calmed down and becoming a better mother.

Back to your NC. I don’t think NC means not talking at all if you’re still living together. You shouldn’t do things that create tension. You should be polite, gentle and courteous. Just don’t initiate intimate discussions, no relationship talks, be brief when communicating, don’t seek time with her, no date nights, etc. Do your own things. Be independent. But be happy and up beat. You can still say hi, ask her briefly how she is when you see, say thank you if she does something for you and show appreciation, compliment her from time to time... Just don’t go out of your way to initiate contact. But don’t ignore her if she is in the same room as you. That would be rude. At least that my opinion

That's pretty much how I'm trying to be. No initiative in talking about R or MR. No questioni ng what or where she is going or doing. I say hi and bye.

I refuse to get drawn in. I feel she is still talking to OM at least. WW travels for work. OM used to go everywhere with her. I assume she still sees him. She claims she isn't. In not going to ask or verify. I'll assume it's not over until she proves it. But I'm not pushing on that because pointless.

WW is home this weekend. I really cant find anything to do that interests me. WW has been downstairs with me all morning. WW invited me to see Aquaman with the kids. I may go just for the kids. WW wants to see it because of the lead character being hot.

I have definitely been happy and upbeat. I told her she looked nice. She does.