Like an idiot, I broke my going dark plan and forwarded the message onto W.
"Illusion of action" Doing nothing isn't working I need to do something!
Originally Posted by Wanted1
I explained this in a couple texts to W. I told her that I have always put too much weight on what people think (she knew this and agreed) and that I've been actively trying to rid myself of that characteristic. She responded "that so nice to hear. It's so liberating that you can free yourself of that. I'm happy for you.
Actions not words Wanted1. This is approval seeking behavior. I've changed I've changed!
Originally Posted by Wanted1
" Maybe my desertion of going dark just for this particular exchange could plant a small seed of doubt in my W's mind that I "can't change." Doubt it, but who knows?! Nothing I'm doing is changing though. I didn't respond to that text and I've continued my going dark plan.
I'm gonna go dark for a day until I can't take it any more and then forward her a text and tell her I've changed. Guaranteed it did nothing but show her your'e still attached.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
I will not change a thing I'm doing, however! Keep on the going dark path and see where it leads me.
I think you need to look up what going dark means.
Wanted, please review the above responses from LH again. He is spot-on, I had the exact same thoughts reading your posts. I also agree with his later comment that you seem like a control freak. I can't tell if you always have been, or if it's perhaps a response to the situation you find yourself in (struggling for some semblance of control) but it's something to explore with your IC.
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My former "friend" keeps texting W. The only "good news" is, it appears my W hasn't been responding as of late. Over the last 3 days, he's sent probably 8 text messages and she has replied twice. Her last response was 2 days ago.
And you know this how? Stop the snooping.
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I shared this with one of our mutual friends who I've confided in about my situation.
Do not talk to mutual friends about your sitch. Only discuss it with friends that have no connection to your W at all, or discuss it here. Anything you say to mutual friends WILL get back to your W and she will see it as you "rallying the troops" against her.
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His advice was that I should confront him before it advances any further. I told him that while the thought has crossed my mind numerous times, I don't think that's a good idea at this time.
If anything is going on between them then there's nothing you can do about it (she is leaving after all). If you confront either of them it just makes you look like a controller/ manipulator and will just drive them closer together. Plus they will go deeper undercover with their activities using burner phones and such. Your attitude should be "don't know/ don't care".
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You’re right. I did tell her about the furniture to see what her response would be. You know what? She came hustling in to talk for the first time ever since BD. I sensed her feeling like she’s losing control. She feels in control because it’s her decision to leave. She feels in control because I told her she has to file, I’m not. And I still won’t. She felt in control by thinking she could decide to move out when it worked best for her. Not anymore. I took my b@lls back by telling her I want her out as soon as possible.
If she felt you were controlling and manipulating in the M then that's something you should be doing a 180 on. DB'ing is "opening the cage door" but it is not kicking her out of the cage. You should be letting her make these decisions. If she says she's moving out your response and attitude should be "I would rather you stay and work on the M, but if you feel it's best for you to move out then I will not stand in your way. I will support you in whatever decision you make." Are you under some illusion that kicking her out is going to make her respect you more and make her want to come back? It's more likely she'll see it as "more of the same" controlling behavior.
Being the lighthouse and the rock doesn't mean being a jerk. I wish people understood this better. It means being strong, firm, resolute, but doing so in a LOVING manner.
I just keep reading a lot of "I did this, and that showed her who is really boss!!" stuff in your posts. When it comes to BD, S and D, there are no winners, everyone loses. You're not going to "gain the upper hand", because there isn't one. So many LBS's try to "nice" their WAS back and then when that doesn't work they try to "mean" her back. I think that's exactly where you are right now. But you can't "mean" her back either. All you can do is pull back and give her time and space and let HER figure things out and maybe decide to come back.You can't control yourself out of this.
