I'm right there with you. My W and I are going through the logistics of "breaking" everything. She even started the process to close on a new place (even though the D papers aren't even filed - Thankfully for her I have the integrity to not go after it in the D). It's tough, because she has an idea of the magnitude of her decision and I see that every time we talk in person and hear it in her voice. We had a really stable, plush life together, but we both have to downgrade our living situations significantly in order to provide the some semblance of normalcy for the kids. My heart is so torn up over it and despite my feelings, I try and keep from showing them. I'm working hard on me and trying not to think of her - it's probably the hardest thing I've done in my life (which is filled with plenty of tragedy and hardship). Working on my NGS, while still being considerate; bettering my life while balancing time with the kids. It's all f'd up and feels completely unfair, especially since she still has not made any concrete complaints about my role in the marriage failing (I've had to self-ID as many as I could). Anyway, keep your head up - literally, standing with pride has had a huge effect on my confidence and perception of self-worth. You'll make it through this - I don't want to be a parrot and say detach and GAL, 'cause we already know. Just keep pressing forward and hopefully it'll get easier for both of us. I'm rooting for you.
It's all f'd up and feels completely unfair, especially since she still has not made any concrete complaints about my role in the marriage failing (I've had to self-ID as many as I could).
Wow, you too, huh?!
Last edited by Wanted1; 12/07/1808:46 PM.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Haha! It's rough not knowing what she is thinking or her thought process leading to this point, but I honestly dont think she could articulate the root cause of her emotions anyway. As cool, calm, and collected as she started out as, I've seen that this is really got her messed up, too. Knowing that has helped me in a messed up kind of way - don't know if burned's W is like that or not. We just have to take it for what it is, build ourselves up, and put one foot in front of the other.
It's all f'd up and feels completely unfair, especially since she still has not made any concrete complaints about my role in the marriage failing (I've had to self-ID as many as I could).
Wow, you too, huh?!
Me three. I don't think they honestly know. They just know they are unhappy. Resentment built up over a long period. Catalyst for the BD was probably something as simple like not taking the rubbish out one night turning in their heads from she didn't take the rubbish out => she Never takes the rubbish out => she Never does anything => I always have to do everything => my life would be easier if I wasn't married to her.
This caught my eye on the “DOM” thread. Sandi was describing the “man’s man” which, with one exception, describes all of the men in W’s family. And then:
Originally Posted by Sandi2
He doesn't get pi$$y, whine, fuss, tattle, or sulk like a girl.
That’s pretty much exactly how I’ve been behaving since BD back in April.
Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like something you can just “turn off” and it doesn’t seem like something W can ever erase from her memory.
So, I need to work on that. Somehow.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Oh god, I'm definitely a sulker. I just turn on some upbeat music and take care of something that needs to be taken care of, like my laundry or homework. Not always successful, but we do our best, right?
Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like something you can just “turn off” and it doesn’t seem like something W can ever erase from her memory.
Well, give her memory some new pictures of you. I had a pastor tell me. My W has all of these negative photos of me saved of me in her memory bank. He said I need to over write those old pictures and fill her memory bank with, confident, strong and happy photos of me.
People usually go off of the last moments they spent with you when recalling memory, give her the photo of the Burn only a fool would leave.
Get your poses ready. Get ready for the gun show.
Onward and forward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
This caught my eye on the “DOM” thread. Sandi was describing the “man’s man” which, with one exception, describes all of the men in W’s family. And then: Originally Posted by Sandi2 He doesn't get pi$$y, whine, fuss, tattle, or sulk like a girl.
That’s pretty much exactly how I’ve been behaving since BD back in April.
Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like something you can just “turn off” and it doesn’t seem like something W can ever erase from her memory.
So, I need to work on that. Somehow.
Burned, I was definitely much the same pre-BD and directly post-BD as well. I thought that my life was miserable due to forces outside of my control and I blamed the world for my problems, and expected my W to be the one to bring me happiness. It was complete bullsh#t. I sulked on the couch for 6 months straight because I was depressed. When my W left I immediately transferred the blame/responsibility on to her. Her leaving was the reason I was miserable. I was a whiny, negative, b#tch.
Obviously the truth is that NO ONE is responsible for my happiness except for ME. There is a chapter in the excellent book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F#ck" all about taking absolute responsibility for one's self. The author differentiates between blame (I can still blame my W for making the choice to leave) which is backwards facing, and responsibility which is all about the present moment. I highly recommend the whole book, but that chapter was the part which most spoke to me. The moment you take absolute responsibility for your own life and your attitude is when you will begin to make real progress. Wallowing in misery (which I am an expert in) is 100% a choice that we make, it is not easy but you can also decide to GAL, to pull 180s, to be social, to search for positivity and gratitude wherever you go.
I don't mean to say that I got there overnight, because I certainly didn't, but I think ultimately it IS "something you can just turn off." For me the first step was GAL, being active physically releases endorphins that affect my mood. Being social and developing platonic friendships based on common interests also helped me feel less alone. Working with an IC on cognitive behavioral therapy practices gave me a toolbox for controlling my thoughts and emotions, recognizing them but holding them lightly rather than letting them sweep me away like a tidal wave. Cultivating a practice of gratitude was also key. I try to wake up each day and think of three things I am grateful for as my first thoughts of the day - it can be as mundane as being thankful for the warm blankets on my bed, or the privilege of being able to afford my yoga classes which help calm my mind and challenge my body.
I say this only because I saw a lot of my own mentality in what you wrote, and I remember how harmful it was to my well-being. I hope you find your way forward because you have a great life waiting for you to seize.
best wishes!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Joejoe, I like that idea about overwriting those mental images. Two tickets to the gun show! (kissing my biceps)
Davide, thanks for the reminder. I’ve read and re-read The Subtle Art and that is my favorite chapter. I should probably just review it once a week until I have it memorized. The word “responsibility” basically defines this entire chapter of my life. (The Matrix comes to mind.) I’m definitely a “depressive type” much of the time, and right up until BD I had this sort of entitled attitude that everyone else would take care of me, and that if only they would do what I wanted then I’d feel better. Probably a major factor that led to BD, at least if you go by what W said during MC. You can even sort of “smell” it in a lot of my posts here (hopefully less so as time goes on). Sometimes I think it would be nice to be as even-keeled as you seem to be, but I guess it’s not in my nature.
---
GAL today turned out better than I thought. Had a mopey morning, then went out to dinner with Friend and her H and D5. Had fish and chips and English ale at a nearby pub. We talked about W and all that, and just talking to someone out loud about the sitch led me to some new insights. Yeah, I know, we’re not supposed to talk about that stuff during GAL. But they knew W, they were our closest friends, and were deeply hurt when she refused to interact with them after BD. They nurtured me in some of my very darkest moments, so of course they always ask about how I’m doing. Today they said I looked like I’m doing better.
Anyway, they were taking their D5 to one of those enchanted village things, to see Santa, decorate cookies, etc. I’ve always liked kids and always wanted some of my own. Today for the first time that I can remember since BD, seeing all the happy families and kids didn’t bother me. And there was this pretty young lady helping the kids make ornaments at one of the arts and crafts tables. She seemed nice, so I struck up a conversation with her, and asked her out for dinner tomorrow night. so I got super shy and awkward and walked away without making eye contact. I don’t know why those moments give me hope. I guess it’s just nice knowing that there are attractive friendly-seeming people out there who aren’t W and don’t even look like her. Good with kids is a definite plus. But I’ll need to get a lot more confident, and a lot less shy (and a lot less married) before I head down that road. Patience, Burninator.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
