“You are going to do fantastic DV6. You are gorgeous! You are smart! You have a fantastic personality. You H is an idiot. He is going to figure that out at some point and you are going to have moved on.
100% correct! Your sitch is more about whatever he is going through than anything to do with you.
Quote
I said I thought my H would probably find someone pretty easily and she laughed.
He probably will, but he will soon find out she's not you and probably not one tenth of you. Then he'll look for someone else, and someone else. Eventually he will figure out the best woman for him is the one he dumped. He may be too "proud" to ever admit that, but even if he does you will probably have moved on and the tables will be turned- you will see him as pathetic and needy and unattractive.
Quote
She says there are a lot of women out there looking to be taken care of with not a lot of money and kids, etc... She said women like me are not common.
I was 54 when I started hitting the dating sites and my biggest issue with women my age was that they were extremely cynical and had trust issues to the point that they didn't even trust someone enough to meet. They just wanted to email or text endlessly. That was why I ended up dating younger women. The younger women were very eager to meet ASAP and were so tired of getting treated like crap by "men" their age. Having someone help with their coat and open doors for them and help them into their seat and pay for the meal was mind-blowing to them. Anyway, I know it's hard to make yourself "available" after what you've been through but if you do then you will meet someone great I'm sure. I don't think you're ready for that any time soon but when you are, don't hold back!
She didn’t say anything that I haven’t heard before but somehow it really sunk in last night.
Sometimes you have to be in the right place to hear these things. At the start, a lot of people said I was going to be fine. That he was crazy for leaving me. My boss at the time (I've since switched jobs) said to me one night that he '[can't] imagine anyone ever leaving [me]' (and he didn't say this in a creepy way). It all fell on deaf ears. My H had done an excellent job of destroying me so, in the same way he wasn't able to hear anything that went against his belief that we were miserable and had been miserable for a long time, I wasn't willing to hear when people said "you're going to get through this". I think you and I are both getting there DV.
I do too FS. My H did an excellent job of destroying me as well but ultimately, he did not succeed. When this all started, I remember I was so anxious all of the time. At work, it felt like I was just consumed with the thought of my H leaving me and felt like I was almost walking around with a sign over my head..."terrible marriage", "broken person", "bad wife", etc... All of my worst thoughts were just being broadcast 24/7. I've never been one to "lose it" so to speak. I didn't take any days off... just pushed through it. Haven't ever had any panic attacks but have felt on the verge of having one all the time since this first started. I realized today that while I still think of my H quite often, I am not panicky the way I was before. I still get some anxiety but it is not all-consuming and it is not accompanied by waves of despairing levels of sadness. When I have a client in front of me, I am with that client. I am getting caught up on my paperwork and laughing again. So I know I am getting there in spite of myself. The hits are still going to come but I am feeling more and more prepared for them as time goes on.
Sigh...5:20 a.m. and I’m awake. Finding myself doing a lot of thinking about the future which always makes me anxious. Thinking about the splitting of our finances and assets and how complicated it is going to get. My H has no idea how difficult this is going to be...and costly. Everything we worked for...means nothing to him now. How he can be “happy” under these circumstances is beyond me. I could never give up and walk away from my husband and kids without knowing I did absolutely everything in my power to save my marriage. Does he really think he did that? He says he “tried” but he literally ignored us and ran away for four years. How is that trying? He has to seriously rewrite history to the point of being delusional to think that. The lies he had to tell himself to justify his actions... no wonder he hated being around me. I was always so supportive of him because I thought he was ill. I put my own needs aside and shoved down any negative feelings I had about being “abandoned” and resolved to just get through it. It was an awful time for me and he knew it. And then we moved to our “dream home” and even though he was around more for the first few months, the lies were still between us and prevented us from renewing our relationship. How could he truly “try” without telling me what he had been doing for the previous three years? Every time he looked at me, he would have been reminded of his deception. You can’t love someone who reminds you of all of the worst parts of yourself. So now he wants to walk away and reinvent himself. He told me he is trying to be the best person he can be. I think that is probably true. It is way easier to walk away and try to reinvent yourself with people who don’t know you than it is to “do the work” and repair the relationships you have damaged.
Just got back from a doctor's appointment. She's started me on an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication. I have resisted taking medication because I know my depression and anxiety is situational BUT I feel like I just need something to boost me up a couple of levels to go along with all of the things I'm already doing. I am tired of the roller coaster so if medication can make the ride a little less "thrilling", I'm all for it. Takes about two to three weeks for any effect to be felt so I will reserve judgment until then.
Just catching up on your situation over the last week.
I see you are turning a corner and feel less stressful - awesome. You knew you would get there, it just takes time.
I hope the medication can reduce the height, depth, and frequency of those highs and lows on your rollercoaster.
A lot of anxiety comes from reading into the unknown future. I agree with FlySolo, espically regarding the finances and custody. Getting a timeline of events, seeing what 50/50 custody would mean to H. Her list is good.
I would add to listing all the reasons he can’t handle custody, list all the reasons he can.
Get an accurate picture of your situation and see a lawyer. You will then have information based on sound, grounded, and well thought out reason. Don’t worry a L will keep feelings out of this and stick to facts, numbers, best interest of kids, and what the law requires. (Hmmm that probably isn’t all that comforting, someday it will be)
This process it is necessary. Seeing the possible financial implications and custody arrangements will reduce the anxiety, by making it real. It is then you can plan and control your response to this.
You are doing really well DV. It may not seem like it to you, but you have made significant progress.
Keep moving forward girl.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks DnJ. Really appreciate you stopping by and, as always, offering such sound advice. I had a good night last night. I came home and prepared to sit on my couch to watch a bit of tv and then recalled that it was the night of my staff party at a local pub. My first instinct was to stay home but decided to make myself go. So I got dressed up and out I went. It was fun!! Met some people I hadn’t met before including one woman whose H suddenly packed all his things and moved out three weeks ago...moving truck and everything...while she was at work...after thirteen years of marriage. She also said she shouldn’t have been surprised. She is his third wife and apparently he left his first two marriages the same way. Like I said... you can’t divorce yourself. Anyway...she said she spent the first couple of weeks crying and was basically a puddle on the floor. Then she said she realized that she is worth more than that and decided she doesn’t need to be with anyone who doesn’t recognize her worth and want to be with her. Her H has really escalated things as she has already been contacted by his lawyer. Crazy. I am grateful my H’s timeline isn’t quite so condensed...gives me time to adjust. She told me to call her anytime. She says she has lots of supportive friends but they don’t really get it. I got the impression that she talks a really good game but she is still struggling. He sounds like a really a$$ with a drinking problem so not exactly a catch but it has only been three weeks and they were together 13 years. There is no rushing your recovery from that kind of a shock. It takes time...
Took my first pill this morning. I’m actually feeling pretty good these days but I know that tough times are ahead so I have decided to take the meds temporarily as more of a precautionary measure.
It's great that you pushed yourself to go out. Actually getting out the door is often the hardest step. If you keep taking that first step I think you will find that it opens up all kinds of possibilities. It's so great to have people to talk to who can relate to your sitch. Helping her out through her situation might help you feel better about your own or gain some perspective. I know that I have learned much from reading all of the sitches here. The biggest lesson is that we are not alone in this.
I hope the meds work out for you. Even if they are only temporary they might help ease the anxiety in this holiday season. Good on you for being willing to take that step.
Big hugs to you!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I came home and prepared to sit on my couch to watch a bit of tv and then recalled that it was the night of my staff party at a local pub. My first instinct was to stay home but decided to make myself go. So I got dressed up and out I went. It was fun!!
It is sometimes hard to drag ourselves out - I still say no to many things these days. The TV and the sofa seems a much better option sometimes . When D12 was first born someone said to make sure I planned something to do every single day. That was the best advice anyone gave me because they knew I seriously ran the risk of still being in my PJ's at 2:00pm, loving the bundle in my arms, but at the same time feeling very sorry for myself. Same advice applies here I think.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Took my first pill this morning. I’m actually feeling pretty good these days but I know that tough times are ahead so I have decided to take the meds temporarily as more of a precautionary measure.
I hope they help. Time is an excellent healer, but sometimes we need something just to get us through the really tough times. I would still recommend mindful meditation. This worked better for me than the anti-depressants (I was prescribed them immediately after BD because I couldn't sleep and I wasn't eating).
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
How could he truly “try” without telling me what he had been doing for the previous three years? Every time he looked at me, he would have been reminded of his deception. You can’t love someone who reminds you of all of the worst parts of yourself. So now he wants to walk away and reinvent himself.
You are still looking for answers. Sometimes there are no answers. They are just unhappy and they need a reason to be unhappy. Let him finish his journey. You are doing great though. I hear the happiness in your posts when you talk about the people you've met. Two new friends in as many days. At the moment the things that bond you are your sitch's. Eventually, you will make new memories and the things that bond you will be those memories.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
He told me he is trying to be the best person he can be. I think that is probably true. It is way easier to walk away and try to reinvent yourself with people who don’t know you than it is to “do the work” and repair the relationships you have damaged.
He is a good man. He is finally (in his head) trying to do the right thing. He is on a particular trajectory and he thinks he should keep to that trajectory (back to Davide's "should" concept) because he has already ripped the band aid, caused so much hurt to you and your children, that going back now unless he is absolutely sure that it will work, because anything less would be causing more hurt.
Let him walk his journey. You walk yours. They may merge one day but it is not that day today.
