Every time you are tested your values gain in strength. I also would like the testing to be less often.
Your SD19 probably does know things you do not. Her Dad could be still talking to her, more than he is with you. It was in my case, until that stopped also.
She is 19 and in her words both of her parents are unreliable, she has you as some she can count on. Keep nurturing and helping her, as I said 19 years old, she needs guidance even if she doesn’t want it. You are her Mom, she knows you are the safe parent and available. She will need both of those qualities plus more. She will be alright.
She is mad at her Dad, makes sense. You may just get a bit of static from her, being the safe parent. She has to vent, and she doesn’t want Dad to yell at her, or to lose him. Make sure, from your actions, that she knows she can’t lose you, and can come to you always.
Her comment of her not wanting to remind you of him. You mentioned the ridiculousness of it, and ok of course you are correct. But she brought it up for a reason. She wants to talk about how you are reminded of H, how she is reminded of Dad, to know she can visit you without feeling responsible for bringing you further pain with reminding you of H. (Well a guess from this side of the screen)
Perhaps talking about the details she brings up. Something like - I think of H all the time. Your visits or calls do not remind me anymore than I already do. In fact you remind me of the good times as a family, and how very good a daughter you are.
Just a starter, I’m sure you can fill in your love for her.
You are doing great DV. I just saw an opportunity to really actively listen to what she has to say. Young adult, 19 years old, they don’t speak much to begin with, when they do, follow their lead.
You got this DV, and you did great.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks DnJ. I think you are right about my SD. She was also upset because both of my kids talked to her about their feelings regarding the S. I think they tell her more than they tell me and my H because they don’t want to upset us. She has never lived with her dad so they are also curious about what that is like. She reassured them that it would be okay but it probably brought up some buried resentments she has of her dad. It is a long story but he only met her about a month before I did. She was 6 years old at the time. For the first seven or eight years, whenever she came over for a weekend, she would mostly want to be around me and was wary and distrusting of her dad. It was only in the last few years that they started to have more of a father-daughter relationship but she has always felt safest with me. So her dad leaving has really set them back. I don’t think he realizes how much. She has lost a lot of respect for him. She doesn’t know the full story but I think she suspects there is more to it than what she knows. If she did know the full story, I think their relationship would be almost non-existent. He missed a lot of family events and important days because of his “treatments” and many of those were directly related to her. Like I mentioned before, he has not been a good person for a very long time. If he truly does want to change that like he says he does, he will have a lot of work to do.
I think they tell her more than they tell me and my H because they don’t want to upset us. She has never lived with her dad so they are also curious about what that is like. She reassured them that it would be okay but it probably brought up some buried resentments she has of her dad.
It is good that your kids have someone they feel they can talk to safely. I would encourage it. I can see my kids suffering and I wish I could take it all away. Some of it is directed at me. They are not use to being without me. They don't like me GAL'g. They don't like me bailing out of family things. It is difficult to know what to do.
Your SD relationship with her dad is just that ... her relationship. If she respects him or doesn't respect him should not be fed by you. Be there for her, but do it for the relationship you have with her. She is not the person to vent too. I made this mistake with H's sister. We use to talk a lot. But now, over a year on, she is embarrassed by his behavior and can't see me because seeing me is too uncomfortable for her. I do not take well to pity, and that is all she has now.
Thanks FS. I have made a point not to tell her very much or vent to her. Her dad has said more to her, I think. Their relationship is very complicated. He has not been a dad to her the way he has been to our twins. Ironically, her relationship with her dad mirrors my H’s relationship with his dad. His dad treats him like a friend and not really like a son except to be critical of him. He has never lived with his dad. His dad got remarried when my H was in his 20s. That marriage eventually broke up but not before they had two children. His dad raised them and has more of a bond with them. It has always bothered my H...and me too. I have told his dad off in my mind a thousand times. I almost stopped in on him during the summer to tell him how unfair he was being to my H and how he has never asked my H how he was doing since he was struggling with his illness. So glad I didn’t do that. Apparently the joke was on me. I found out recently that the reason my FIL never really asked my H how he was doing is because he didn’t believe him. I guess it takes one to know one.
So...funny thing. Decided to go to Costco tonight. Had this strange feeling all day. Almost texted my H to tell him that I would be going to Costco so I wouldn’t run into him. I don’t know why. Finally convinced myself that I was just being paranoid and left it. Got to Costco and was almost out the door when I remembered that I had ordered a picture and went back into get it. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted so I spent some time getting it redone before heading out the door. And then who do I run into??? My H and some woman... a short, rednecky not even very attractive woman. He looked like a deer in the headlights. Said “Hi” and “we’ll talk tomorrow” (we already had a planned meeting) and then practically ran away. I guess women’s intuition really is a thing. When I got home I asked my daughter what the woman who lives at Daddy’s place looks like... yep...that was her. She does not look like she is dying from cancer, I’ll tell you that much. Seriously??? Is this the person he is blowing up our lives for??? Of course my MIL says not to jump to conclusions... she says she has friends who are dying who look perfectly fine. If he comes over here tomorrow and says that was her and sticks to his story, I am going to insist on meeting her. I’ll tell you this much though. Detaching just got a whole lot easier.
I'm so sorry. Trust your instinct, or your gut feeling, it already knows. Maybe it always did ...
I don't know your H and there are differences between all of our sitches. There are also similarities that cannot be denied, especially when it comes to deceit and waywardness. I've been reading here for 4.5 years and the patterns in them become fairly easy to spot. Most spouses, especially men, do not leave their families to be alone, but they leave them to pursue someone else. It seems with as many years as he has been running away, this A has been going on for some time now. That or there has been more than one OW. It's hard to believe, I know. My IC helped me understand that this is what usually hapens in D; one person has an A and then leaves the M to pursue it. The A most often doesn't translate into a long term R, however that is the main reason why they leave initially.
It still blows my mind my H could have done that. He's the last man one would think could do that. However, in only a small percentage of sitches here, the S just ups and walks away without an A. In those cases it is usually a woman and she most often has been expressing some unhappiness in the M for many years, thus the walkaway wife.
So what now? You can confront and ask him, but he will only feed you more lies. I think you know the truth. I personally don't think he even deserves the opportunity to BS you more than he already has been for years. Can you hold your head up high, drop the rope and go dark? Maybe now is the time he sees you are no longer his plan B.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thanks Blu. If he tells me this is the “roommate” who has cancer and he is not involved with her, I am going to insist on meeting her myself. If he refuses, I will have my answer. If this is an affair, I suspect it is not the first as he was definitely not involved with her for at least the first eight months we were here as he had no access to extra money and he was home 99% of the time... no overnight absences. For the 2 1/2 years prior to that when he was gone 80% of the time, I don’t know. Maybe one or two affairs or more?? He wants me to move on so I am going to tell him the best way to make that happen would be for him to be honest with me. Tell me exactly what he was doing all that time. Maybe it will even do him some good to confess. I know it will help me a lot. I am pretty sure I can hold my head up high and have the conversation. We had planned to meet anyway. Just going to be a different agenda.
Take a deep breath. It [censored] in the mightiest proportions but here’s the thing: it doesn’t change your reality. He is a master manipulator. You already knew that. IF this is an AP then it just adds to his already deceitful repertoire. It doesn’t alter what you already knew about the marriage.
If it was innocent then why run away? You have already talked about this woman so wouldn’t he have just introduced her. I so recognise then caught in the headlights look.
As you say, makes detaching easier. Don’t ask him about it. Detach away and see what he comes up with. Don’t help him out. Make him squirm in his explanation. And always remember that you can’t trust what will come spewing forth.
I would doubt that he left for her but doesn’t she fulfill his sad little needs? Whatever their R it is inappropriate but I bet it makes him feel like a stunning knight on a white charger.
Chin up girl. You were showing mighty strength. This doesn’t alter things. Keep going.
Thanks Yorkie. Surprisingly...I was not as upset as I had anticipated I would be. I don’t live in a huge town so I always thought it was inevitable that I would run into him with another woman. Very strange that I had a premonition it would be tonight. I even checked our Costco account to see when he was last there and it was only four days ago so I didn’t think he would be back that soon. I go to Costco all the time and this is the first time that I worried about running into him.
If it was innocent, he should have introduced me but it all happened so fast and she was already through the door because I don’t think she notice us there. He spoke to me super quickly and kept moving. I was a bit too shocked (that my premonition came true) to do anything. In hindsight, I should have turned around, gone into the store and introduced myself.
My sister was funny. I couldn’t get over how average looking she was...no one you would look at twice. I guess you always imagine that your H would leave you for someone “better. She just looked at me, “Seriously, DV? You didn’t think he was going to be able to find someone like you, did you? He’s not that great. He needs to find someone who will hang onto his every word so he can feel like a big man.” Well... I always thought he was pretty great but he’s blowing that theory out of the water. All I can say is that I hope this deceitful way of living life is not hereditary. I pray my kids take after me in that regard.
I am sure when he arrives tomorrow, it will be the first thing he wants to talk about. I’m just going to let him talk. I do have some questions that need to be answered though. I really want to know about the other affairs as well. I want him to at least admit it. Confession is good for the soul, I’m told. It will help me too. I need to know exactly what kind of a person I married. Pathological liar? Sociopath? Serial cheater? He told me his is broken and I’m pretty sure he is right.
DV. I like your sister. She’s spot on. Truth from him would be nice but can we ever be sure it is the truth. It may be his version of reality that you hear. I’m not sure it’ll matter that much to you in the long run. You are now in control of you and how you feel and act. And you are honest, loyal and awesome irrespective of him.
