When I was single, I had to find someone I was taken with.
Same. I have / had very high standards, and a friend back them said that it would have to take a very special woman for me to marry.
But all this is making me wonder if I’ve settled—settled back then, and settling now from W.
I married W because in many respects, she was different. Or at least so I thought.
Devout Catholic? Yes. Has a heart for others? Yes. Smart / intelligent? Yes. Personable? Yes, or at least our personalities matched well.
I’ve dated / pursued women in the past who seemed like they were ‘princesses,’ wanting to be ‘saved’ or have an over-idealized view of marriage or men’s role in marriage. I remember thinking to myself that I wanted to treat a woman like a princess, but not marry one, if that makes sense.
But like I said, I thought she was different from other women. Maybe / maybe not.
Made it through 3 classes of talking about matrimony / marriage today.
Held up pretty well, tbh. I did talk about annulments and divorce (differences between the two), as well as separation—and got questions about what Catholics believe about separated spouses. Told I would look up the questions about separation to verify (found it in the book), and while answering question made the comment about how I’m not an expert on this topic (all the while internally saying to myself ‘And I hope I never will have to be.’
Glad I didn’t get questions about how W and I met, which is a relief.
Did get a text from a friend / groomsman about anniversary—but no texts from W, which is now standard except when she really wants something.
I sometimes wonder if she is ‘letting go of the rope,’ too—her doing more around the house, her looking a little bit nicer, and I thought I smelled body spray on her yesterday when she took OS to a friend’s birthday party. I wonder if she is doing detachment, as well. She’s also doing like I do and saying ‘sure’ and telling me what she is doing ‘I’m taking a shower,’ in a manner similar to what I’ve been doing.
Did not say anything about anniversary last night, and didn’t do it this morning (left before she woke up—still no kiss / ILY for her—only for kids).
Although I pretty much violated a cardinal rule of DB’ing, and that is NO EXPECTATIONS.
I was kinda hoping for sex / intimacy tonight, but I didn’t do anything with that in mind—but it sure would have been nice. I guess I should be grateful I got an acknowledgment of our anniversary, mention of a gift, and affirmation of dinner plans.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that W goes from wanting sex so much to virtually not wanting it (at least, with me). IC says that resentment can do that. I bet. I’m also sure that any depression she may feel plays a role, and I bet breast-feeding YS doesn’t help.
One thing I brought up to IC is: either she’s physically not right down there after pregnancy, she’s emotionally not right, or she’s weaponizing sex against me. None of these are appealing options to consider.
Welp. I’ll wait for someone who wants to have sex with me (not just out of pity or obligation or being a Plan B or even Plan C), and make myself attractive regardless.
GAL: Look into Knights of Columbus, social outings for sports (playing / watching), continue exercising, do sit-ups and push-ups, ask a dad of one of OS’ former classmates to get together to watch sports, and look at reconnecting with a friend / groomsman (I lack good strong Catholic men in my life, and we drifted apart, which I feel so guilty about).
Going back to an earlier post, I do wonder if she is dropping the rope for me, too. I’m also noticing her doing more around the house—threw chicken in to marinade for tomorrow’s dinner (though part of that was me frankly forgetting about it).
I’m now getting “goodnight’s“ from her—but tonight she didn’t even come over to me—she called out to me from behind me. Maybe I should have pretended to not hear her so that she may come and even face me.
Or maybe I’m just over-analyzing everything.
I don’t know if I should be happy or not we’re going to dinner on the 22nd—I hope it won’t be too awkward or terrible, or that I’ll get a bomb dropped on me or something.
And I know my current emotions can and probably will change over the coming hours, days and weeks, so I know I’m in the yo-yo phase and I go back and forth, but...
I just know that as it stands I definitely do not want to be married to the current version of W. She’s okay looking, but emotionally and spiritually not the same.
Going back to an earlier post, I do wonder if she is dropping the rope for me, too.
Oh yes, the WAS drops the rope long before BD ever happens. First they are unhappy, then they try in whatever way they have (usually ineffective) to communicate to their spouse that they are unhappy, then when nothing changes they give up and decide they have to live with it, then they decide they can no longer tolerate it after all, then they drop the rope and plan their escape, THEN they BD. Right now, her feelings are that she is 100% done with you. She doesn't want sex, she doesn't want to hang out and talk, she doesn't want romance, she probably doesn't want any form of physical contact at all. It may even repulse her. That's why we preach time and space, it's giving her what she wants, which right now is anything but you. Later she may get over it and her feelings may return. But for now that's how she feels and you can only respond to that by backing off.
I’ve noticed she’s been a bit more chatty with me recently, and we’re going out for dinner on 12/22 and she acknowledged our anniversary.
But what you’re saying is that I shouldn’t read too much into all this, correct?
I also know believe nothing they say, half of what they do.
But yeah what you described sounded an awful lot like her—first unhappiness (she would bring something up to me and then tell me that she is telling me this so that her ‘conscience would be clear,’ and I would ask her what that would mean, and she would say either ‘nothing,’ or repeat ‘just so my conscience would be clear,’ then communication of that unhappiness, then living with it, then not tolerating it. And then ILYBINILWY bomb back in February—and that’s been it for BDing, for now anyway.
I shouldn’t get too worked up about all this, but I am worried about a post-New Years / holiday BD. This all really came to a head back in late-January / early February. She mentioned something about when YS ‘is in a better place,’ so that may be then.
Bo...just a quick recommendation from what I read. you are doing a TON of attempted mind reading on what she thinks/feels. let that go. we all create via our "analysis" these "cocktail recipes" of our spouses. they help soothe us to the reality of what is going on, but only ONE person knows how SHE is feeling and it ain't you. i offer this to you as good advice to help you.
