burned right through another thread

[burned]

by clicking this link, you can travel back in time...

[TJT]

I don't think they honestly know. They just know they are unhappy.

Yeah. This. Me too and all that (in terms of my H).

Burned your story about getting shy around the lady and not really acting but it giving you hope is something that resonates with me. And it's totally fine to recognize that you're not fully "there" yet and oh yeah, the still being married thing. Happens to me a lot and in a way, I'm glad I'm not legally divorced yet because as a personal rule, regardless of emotional/physical relationship with H, I don't want to start seeing anyone until that's done and the time that it's drawing out is time that I hope will truly help me be over it by the time I do have to face being legally single. Any time I get that "hope", while it's exciting, I'm also kind of glad I have an excuse to not face fully into it, I guess. I know that's more fear than anything else (well, and the fact that I'm not a psychopath who can't just stop having feelings for someone I was with for so long) but I'm okay with that because I'm "sitting" with it.

So, I think it's good on you that you're recognizing all that and I would just reiterate not too be hard on yourself for not doing something that you would have liked to have done in the "ideal" state. I think you're doing better than you give yourself credit for sometimes!

[Ready2Change]

He doesn't get pi$$y, whine, fuss, tattle, or sulk like a girl.

Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like something you can just “turn off”

It all depends on what your belief system is. It also depends on what you are thinking.

Really challenge your belief system. Decide if what you are thinking is good for you or not.

[burned]

Journaling. 8 months since BD. I'm feeling a bit better these days, I think.

Without getting long-winded, I'll just say that I did some thinking and reading over the weekend, and came to the conclusion that the whole house/cat thing was more WW manipulation. She knows those are the two things I cling to most (besides her). My attitude was, "Do what you need to do." Maybe that is having an effect on her. Doesn't matter. At least I proved to myself that I can be strong, and that when it comes to it, I'll be able to leave the past behind and rebuild.

Still tooling around with the idea of filing. Can't decide if I am being manipulated into doing it, or if I would be doing it for me. I also wonder whether it could be construed as pressure/pursuit, which would obviously backfire. Maybe I'm better off just leaving well enough alone, at least for now. I still have a little patience left in me, but I don't have a lot of hope for any kind of reconciliation at this point.

[Vapo]

What would be the benefits of you filing? If you are thinking of doing it so you "snap" your W out of it, than you are doing it for totally wrong reasons. What's more, you are giving her the perfect excuse and a way out. So if someone asks her, she will be able to say: "The rotten bastard (Burned) divorced me, I was working on saving the marriage and the SOB sandbagged me." Of course that is total buII$hit, but she'll get all the sympathies, and you will look like a dirt bag.

So again, why would you want to file?

[burned]

Not snapping her out of it but admitting the reality, moving on with my life, acknowledging her right to not be with me, and making it easy for her so that she doesn't continue to resent me?

I feel like I keep getting caught in an infinite loop with this. Sigh.

[Vapo]

Formal divorce or no formal divorce, you will remain stuck until you decide to get unstuck.

You are still doing and awfully huge amount of mind reading. It is almost like you are asking questions and answering them yourself so you can find justification for your (in)actions. Why is that?

First you have to come clean to yourself with the real reason you are thinking of filing. THE REAL REASON. And for fcuck's sake, start becoming more selfish, yes, I said more selfish. Do what is right for you, for the right reasons. I truly cannot see, why filing would be right for you. Maybe AS or one of the other posters can shine more light.

[DejaVu6]

Just move on as if Burn. Don’t make it easy for her though. Try to make things easier on you but doing all of the things you know you should do... for you, not her. A D is a super complicated process that really should not be undertaken until both parties are ready. Are you ready to go through that right now? It seems to me it would be a better process once you are detached. Maybe not all the way there but enough so that you aren’t sent spinning again. You can do all of those things... admitting reality, acknowledging her rights and making it easier for her (by detaching)...without being the person who files. Let her do it if it is that important to her. (((Burn)))

[Davide]

Burned,

Not snapping her out of it but admitting the reality, moving on with my life, acknowledging her right to not be with me, and making it easy for her so that she doesn't continue to resent me?

In another recent thread, I agreed that D can be the morally right choice, as well as a healthy one for a LBS. If you really want to move on with your life and feel that filing will help you with that, that is a good reason to do so. Even in that case, I wouldn't rush it. If you are ready to file and sit on it for a few weeks or even months, it won't change much but it could give you more certainty that it is the right decision.

I don't think that acknowledging her right not to be with you or making it easy for her, or trying to make it so that she doesn't resent you are good reasons. They make it seem like you still want to have control over her, that you are doing things to affect her (not necessarily to win her back, but to get a reaction from her.) This particular decision, I think, has to be all about you and what you want to do with your life.

[burned]

First you have to come clean to yourself with the real reason you are thinking of filing. THE REAL REASON. And for fcuck's sake, start becoming more selfish, yes, I said more selfish. Do what is right for you, for the right reasons. I truly cannot see, why filing would be right for you.

I guess that's what it comes down to. The right reason. To move on. And to not have that axe hanging over my head thinking that at some point she'll hit me with it and I'll go back to the miserable place I was in September/October. To regain a feeling of control.

I see really almost no hope for her changing her mind. I see no hope for her even thinking about the reasons why she's doing what she's doing. Since the beginning 8 months ago she has buried herself in her work/school to avoid thinking about/dealing with the issues. She is clearly 3 feet out the door. Then we get to talking about separating finances, selling the house, giving away the cats. Part of me thinks that's just a way for her to temp check. But I could also be in denial and using that as an excuse to not do what pretty much needs to be done.

What evidence is there that anything will ever change? And is this the kind of person who would ever have the courage or the stamina to go through piecing? And then how do I start dating if I'm not even divorced? Or if there's this notion that women won't date anyone who hasn't been divorced for 2 years, then that clock should start ticking. I'm not getting any younger.

So, it comes down to impatience. I want to put this whole mess behind me. I want to make it so that my legal status and the status the world is aware of, matches with the reality of our emotional status. Which is that the M is dead, buried.

And then within 6 hours I'm back to the old, "Well, let it hang, it doesn't matter, I'm doing my own thing here and I don't really care what my legal status is."

So yeah, just more spinning, more impatience. Getting tired of the limbo.