Deleted a huge long self-loathing victim mentality journal post I had been writing, because what's the point. Suffice it to say that Sandi's reflections about what makes a good H got me into a spin about how terrible of a husband I really was. Moments like this I truly admire my W for having the courage and strength to leave me. I was dragging her down.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
This still has nothing to do with her and and everything to do with you, your behavior, your thought processes...etc
This is a huge test. The next time she interacts with you, she will immediately know.
It is obvious to us that you have not done the work needed.
It's obvious to me, too. You'd have to be pretty dense not to see it. I see it. And then I get even more frustrated at myself. Even my IC is getting frustrated with my lack of progress. Something is seriously broken in my brain.
How will she immediately know? Because I'll still be the same anxious little entitled pr'ck that I have been for most of our M.
So. Pick myself up and try again, I guess.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
So I picked myself up and got the local paper to see about GAL activities in the "events" section. There's a book club at a nearby library. Meh. Then I saw that there's a meeting for Co-Dependents Anonymous at 6 PM which I think I might go to. I'm seriously not getting this "do it for you, not for her" thing, so I think I could learn a thing or two from them.
Hope that counts as GAL. I really just don't feel like it, but I'm going to force myself anyway.
The irony is that I don't want to NOT be co-dependent because I'm afraid of how SHE will react. Ha!
Tomorrow night is trivia at a local restaurant, which I miss doing. 7-9 PM. I hereby declare my intention to go there and do that on that day at that time. I've left a pile of 2x4s right here in case I don't follow through. I'll get my helmet...
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I'm seriously not getting this "do it for you, not for her" thing, so I think I could learn a thing or two from them.
You do it it, B. Remember the time you had your awesome fish sandwich and Sprite? You did that for you. You enjoyed it because YOU wanted it. YDGAF what WW thought or thinks. Build on that.
Originally Posted by burned
Tomorrow night is trivia at a local restaurant, which I miss doing. 7-9 PM. I hereby declare my intention to go there and do that on that day at that time. I've left a pile of 2x4s right here in case I don't follow through. I'll get my helmet...
*whack* NGS!
Tell us “IM GOING TO TRIVIA NIGHT AND KICK SOME ASS! AND THEN IM GOING TO COME HERE AND GLOAT ABOUT MY VICTORY!” Or something like that.
I’m having trouble understanding this: If she were 100% coming back I could spend my time doing the things I used to do, which I enjoyed tremendously. If she were 0% coming back I could spend time finding someone to replace her, someone to build a life with, someone who appreciates the essentially decent and likable person I used to be.
Why aren’t these the same answer? Why does your immediate plan depend on her?
And...what if I told you that your actions now IMPACT those percentages...in other words, you can’t know whether it’s at 0 or 100 or somewhere in the middle. So how can you prepare a plan for YOU not based on her?
If she were 100% coming back I could spend my time doing the things I used to do, which I enjoyed tremendously. If she were 0% coming back I could spend time finding someone to replace her, someone to build a life with, someone who appreciates the essentially decent and likable person I used to be.
I think one of the biggest lessons I've taken from this process is the importance of living with uncertainty. We often fall into the trap of believing that we have 100% certainty, but that is always an illusion. Nothing is promised to us tomorrow. We could walk outside and get hit by a bus. Who knows? When the rug gets pulled out from beneath our feet with BD we are forced to confront this fact. It scared the hell out of me at first. But ultimately this uncertainty is what makes growth possible, what opens us up to all kinds of possibilities that we may never have imagined previously. Right now I am relatively confident that my W will never come back, but I am not certain. I am open to that possibility not closing it off, but neither am I putting any expectations on it. I am also open to the possibility of creating a relationship with someone new. Who knows?
Why not be open to all possibilities?
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I’m having trouble understanding this: If she were 100% coming back I could spend my time doing the things I used to do, which I enjoyed tremendously. If she were 0% coming back I could spend time finding someone to replace her, someone to build a life with, someone who appreciates the essentially decent and likable person I used to be.
Why aren’t these the same answer? Why does your immediate plan depend on her?
I knew this is where you were going with that. And I realized after I wrote it that my relationship status flat out doesn't matter for any of it.
I realized last night, after getting into a huff, that it feels like you're poking me where it hurts, meaning that it's EXACTLY where I should be focusing. The ruminating is an avoidance strategy. I'm good at ruminating, so I stay in my comfort zone. Time to get out of it. Well, time to get out of it was months ago. Oh well.
Originally Posted by Amoafwl
And...what if I told you that your actions now IMPACT those percentages...in other words, you can’t know whether it’s at 0 or 100 or somewhere in the middle. So how can you prepare a plan for YOU not based on her?
This one I can't figure out. It's like I don't want to make these huge changes in my life, because then if she decides she wants to come back, there won't be any room for her. But then that's the whole point. And that puts us right back to where I was 2 weeks ago when you mentioned The Waiting Place. So, I'll try again.
Originally Posted by Davide
I think one of the biggest lessons I've taken from this process is the importance of living with uncertainty.
I am 100% certain that uncertainty is something I can't stand. This is something I got from my mother. The destination is what matters, and whatever it takes to get there, you keep your eye laser focused on the goal and stop at nothing until you achieve it.
Problems with that mindset: 1. the goal I currently want is difficult to obtain, 2. the methods of obtaining that goal are not, at the surface, seemingly conducive to achieving it
---
So I'm going to start doing 1 GAL activity per day, unless there's a compelling reason not to, and even if it's something silly like going to a book club at the public library. Tonight is Co-DA which I am sort of looking forward to, in terms of learning how to not be the kind of person I am. Tomorrow night is trivia. Friday is game night. I'll figure something out for Thursday.
Edit: Just heard back about a volunteering opportunity with the regional court diversion system. Training starts Jan. 11th, so that's at least in the works but not an immediate solution. Might see about local soup kitchens that need day-to-day help.
Last edited by burned; 12/11/1804:33 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Haha! Just accidentally sent a text to W that was meant for someone else. I was hoping to not have to interact with her unless absolutely necessary. I guess now it's up to her to wonder why I'm leading a discussion group on Friday.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Go do the Co-Dependent support group. You'll be amazed at how many are just like you and how it is affecting them just like you.....and why you need to be independent in you life so you do not have these feelings for the rest of your life!
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I’m having trouble understanding this: If she were 100% coming back I could spend my time doing the things I used to do, which I enjoyed tremendously. If she were 0% coming back I could spend time finding someone to replace her, someone to build a life with, someone who appreciates the essentially decent and likable person I used to be.
Why aren’t these the same answer? Why does your immediate plan depend on her?
I knew this is where you were going with that. And I realized after I wrote it that my relationship status flat out doesn't matter for any of it.
I realized last night, after getting into a huff, that it feels like you're poking me where it hurts, meaning that it's EXACTLY where I should be focusing. The ruminating is an avoidance strategy. I'm good at ruminating, so I stay in my comfort zone. Time to get out of it. Well, time to get out of it was months ago. Oh well.
My point is that you are basing what you do on her. So of course you are going to feel stuck if you cant decide how to live your life until she figures out 'what she wants'. There is a chance that she decides to come back. It's somewhere between 0.000001% and 99.99999%. My feeling is that there is no way to know which end of the spectrum it is, and frankly, that value could change tomorrow anyway. So you cant do anything but live your life for her. If you are waiting for an indication that it 0% or 100%, it isnt going to come, and youll be waiting forever. ll try again.
Originally Posted by burned
Originally Posted by Davide
I think one of the biggest lessons I've taken from this process is the importance of living with uncertainty.
I am 100% certain that uncertainty is something I can't stand. This is something I got from my mother. The destination is what matters, and whatever it takes to get there, you keep your eye laser focused on the goal and stop at nothing until you achieve it.
Have you read DR? I think so, if my memory serves. Anyway, MWD talks a lot about aiming a putt. You have no chance of making that 30 foot putt by aiming at the hole. Thats the point of setting goals. They are your 5 foot aiming points. And once you get there, you can set new 5 foot goals.
