This to me screams of depression. It's WANTING to WANT to do things, but not actually wanting to do them.
I very much agree and thought the same thing as soon as I read it. He's in a rut - a depressive rut. Of course that may well only be part if the answer but it's where I'd start.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
In my old thread I posted that I asked my H what would happiness look like for him, since he says he’s unhappy. His answer was:
*he would do things he enjoys *he would go fishing *he would go hunting *he would take a long ride to another state on a whim *he would join a bowling league *he would take the kids camping (but then he said he missed that opportunity because they are now older) *he would build something
Can anyone answer this question for me...why isn’t he currently doing any of these things? No one is stopping him. If doing these things is what he says would make him happy, why isn’t he doing them? Like some of these are pretty simple things.
I’ve been GAL and he just sits at home. He goes to work and comes home. That’s it. It’s just so confusing. Like on the weeken buddy, why not go bowling or something?
This to me screams of depression. It's WANTING to WANT to do things, but not actually wanting to do them.
Right! Like these are simple things. His therapist and my therapist both think he’s suffering from depression as well. And having a daughter that suffers from depression, I believe he is as well. He’s displayed a lot of symptoms of depression. He even talked of understanding why someone would commit suicide. Although, he said he’s not suicidal.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately and I really think my H hasn’t been the same since his father passed away. I think that is what pushed him into MLC and opened up some childhood issues that he had suppressed. When I really think back, his behavior started to slowly decline after my father in law passed away.
I noticed that he was drinking a lot a few weeks ago. I believe self-medicating. The good thing is I think he realized this so he’s backed away from the alcohol thank God. His father was an alcoholic and I know he’s always been conscious of that fact. He always said he didn’t want to become a alcoholic.
So I’ve been just taking care of myself, my mental health, and well-being. When he comes to talk up me, I just listen. That’s the only thing I can do. Just take care of me and listen if he needs to talk.
Anyway, I know this time of year is tough for so many of us on this forum, so I want to wish everyone a happy holidays!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
In my old thread I posted that I asked my H what would happiness look like for him, since he says he’s unhappy. His answer was:
*he would do things he enjoys *he would go fishing *he would go hunting *he would take a long ride to another state on a whim *he would join a bowling league *he would take the kids camping (but then he said he missed that opportunity because they are now older) *he would build something
Can anyone answer this question for me...why isn’t he currently doing any of these things?
Oh this is easy to answer. Because of YOU. YOU are the one thing that's holding him back from truly enjoying life. YOU are the roadblock. YOU YOU YOU. This is how WAS's think. Their spouse becomes a lightning rod for every little thing that ever went wrong. They resent the hell out of their spouse, and can't wait to get rid of them to pursue their life of pure freedom and abundant joy. Eventually they get their freedom only to discover that all their problems are STILL THERE because their problems are not external, they are internal. Then they (hopefully) go about the hard work of addressing their demons. Either that or they pursue a life of escapism through multiple partners, free-wheeling spending, addictions and such.
In my old thread I posted that I asked my H what would happiness look like for him, since he says he’s unhappy. His answer was:
*he would do things he enjoys *he would go fishing *he would go hunting *he would take a long ride to another state on a whim *he would join a bowling league *he would take the kids camping (but then he said he missed that opportunity because they are now older) *he would build something
Can anyone answer this question for me...why isn’t he currently doing any of these things?
Oh this is easy to answer. Because of YOU. YOU are the one thing that's holding him back from truly enjoying life. YOU are the roadblock. YOU YOU YOU. This is how WAS's think. Their spouse becomes a lightning rod for every little thing that ever went wrong. They resent the hell out of their spouse, and can't wait to get rid of them to pursue their life of pure freedom and abundant joy. Eventually they get their freedom only to discover that all their problems are STILL THERE because their problems are not external, they are internal. Then they (hopefully) go about the hard work of addressing their demons. Either that or they pursue a life of escapism through multiple partners, free-wheeling spending, addictions and such.
I truly believe what you’re saying AnotherStander, it makes perfect sense. I do however still feel that the guy is suffering from depression as well. I truly hope that he deals with his demons and does the hard work before it’s too late. It would truly be sad to see him throw the rest of his best years away by being addicted to alcohol or drugs or by jumping from relationship to relationship. Unfortunately that’s a decision he has to make, I can’t make it for him. I am glad that he’s going to therapy and I hope that helps.
I’ll be honest and say, I truly love my H and I hope for the best. I hope that we can come through this journey and that our relationship gets stronger because of it. Unfortunately the ball is not in my court.
Thanks so much for your input AS, it always makes me sad because it’s a gut punch. But I still appreciate it.
Last edited by Living; 12/19/1809:03 PM.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
So I’ve been just taking care of myself, my mental health, and well-being. When he comes to talk up me, I just listen. That’s the only thing I can do. Just take care of me and listen if he needs to talk.
Sounds like you are handling thing. Just stay focused on what you can control.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So I’ve been just taking care of myself, my mental health, and well-being. When he comes to talk up me, I just listen. That’s the only thing I can do. Just take care of me and listen if he needs to talk.
Sounds like you are handling thing. Just stay focused on what you can control.
Thank you so much R2C, that’s all I can do! Oh and by the way, The Art of Seduction came in the mail. I started reading it last night!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Thanks for checking in on me Yail. I’m pretty good. I have good days and I have bad days. However, I’m surviving. I’m hoping that 2019 will be a great year for me. I’m still focusing on the thing I have control of and that’s myself. H and I get along pretty well. I guess as well as can be expected. We still sleep in separate rooms. He’s still going to therapy so all I can do is let him deal with his stuff. I’m not sure what the future holds for us but what I’m most focused on is making sure that I get my financial house in order. If and when D day comes I want to be able to financially provide for myself. So right now, I’m working 2 jobs.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I took a little break from everything to get through the holidays.
For the past couple of days I’ve been a bit emotional. I’ve cried several times out of nowhere. Truth is, I’m loosing faith that my marriage will survive this. I’ve prayed about it but I truly loosing hope and faith.
I never in a million years imagined that my marriage would end up in this fragile place. If I would have known things would’ve come to this, I wouldn’t have gotten married. When I love, I love hard. However, what has that gotten me? I’ve been a faithful and loyal wife. However what has that gotten me? Life can be so unfair at times. I know...I know I sound really down on myself right now. As I said above, I have good days and bad days.
The sad thing is I’m sure my H has gotten used to sleeping in the spare bedroom. Equally sad, I’m getting used to him not sleeping with me. There was a time not too long ago in our marriage when I couldn’t sleep well when he wasn’t in bed with me. I would be up and down all night. In fact, tears roll down my face as I type this.
I feel like I’m torn. I’m torn between trying to remain true to my vows and stand for my marriage. I try to think maybe this is the worse in for better or for worse. Maybe we can survive this. I’m torn between wanting to be patient and hopeful.
The other side of me wants to say forget this mess. This is not what I wanted for my marriage. Part of me wants to walk away. We are living like roommates and I’m better than this. However something is holding me back and it pisses me off. Like why can’t I just walk away from this fool? Why am I allowing myself to live in limbo and wait on him to wake the heck up?
Some days I see the old him, we’ll laugh and it seems like old times. He’ll be afffectionate and I see the man I fell in love with. Then some days he reverts back to being distant and withdrawn.
The scary thing for me is now I’m starting to feel like my feelings for him are changing. I still love him and haven’t gotten to the point where I’ve given up. But things are changing and I’m scared the longer we live this way, the worse it will get. I’ve started to look at other happily married couples and envy that. I’ve started to think...is there someone else out there who would love me the way I deserve? Am I supposed to be married to someone else? Is my H truly my soulmate? It hurts so much to even type those questions.
That’s why I’ve decided that I need to work and make as much money as I can this year. I need to be able to financially support myself. For the past 4 years my husband has been the sole provider. I’ve made a living but not enough to survive on my own. I went back to college to get a degree and he was supportive during that. He took care of te household and the bills.
I’m just so sad, torn, and confused.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
