TF Ready is right, you really need to quit with the quick responses and you keep justifying it to all of us but it isn't for her it's for you, You want to hear her voice and you fantasize that she will just call you one day and say I miss you, I've screwed up and I want to get back together. Well, I got news for you Pal that's not going to happen. What I'm saying is as long as you are a viable back-up for her she will drag you along for a ride that will make you more miserable all the time, in high school, we called it the "friends zone". If you want to quit looking pitiful to your wife, you make her think that maybe some young attractive woman is getting your attention, that you are having fun and by gosh she was the whole reason you weren't having fun during the marriage., She's thinking about you all the time. She is wondering if these changes are for real, but she doesn't haven't wonder very long she just puts a little carrot out there and you start biting the second you see it. She goes home feeling confident that you will role over her the second she needs you. You're not divorced yet, put it in the divorce paperwork that this is where the kids will go to school, if she has to take out a loan to pay for it then she should. I bet grandma and grandpa will start paying for it. I know when my wife started to realize that she was using her parents way too much for her day to day living expenses she started to re-think her decision to remain in the marriage. It took about 2 months after I cut it all off and she was back. Now she didn't make nearly the money she makes now but never-the-less spenders need people like us to keep them in check and they know it.
M46 W44 T20 M19 S21 D17 D11 D9 BD 1/2003 Reconciled 2/2004 Contemplating leaving again 4/2018 Deciding to stay 10/2018 (dodged another bullet...few)
Your W looks so attractive because you can't have her.
Quit talking so much, and when you do talk, be pleasant but not overly nice. You don't hate her, you don't love her, but your moments with her should be brief.
Work on detaching, and being happy no matter what she does. Do things that make you happy. Go workout really hard.
This is my big picture advice after everyone has been working over the details with you.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
But what I’m finding is that my W looks less attractive overall, even though I really can’t have her. I do find her sexually attractive and want that with her, but that’s pretty much it. I can’t tell if that is a good thing or not that it is only limited to that—like I want to hook up and be done.
But what I’m finding is that my W looks less attractive overall, even though I really can’t have her. I do find her sexually attractive and want that with her, but that’s pretty much it. I can’t tell if that is a good thing or not that it is only limited to that—like I want to hook up and be done.
I feel like I might be the same way. I’m very physically attracted to my W. That’s why it drives me nuts that she’s still in the house wearing tight yoga pants and tight workout shirts the whole time. I’m definitely on my way to detaching on the emotional level from her. Not completely but I’m on my way. The physical attachment is strong though. Probably a combination of 1) I can’t have her, 2) she really is a smoke show and 3) I haven’t been intimate with anyone for 3 months.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
W doesn’t currently do that a whole lot with me—dressing up in tight yoga pants and workout tops. But I bet she will after maternity leave when she goes back to work and starts working out again. To be fair, though, most women look good in those sorts of things anyway.
I do think we’re at different places though—do I find my wife attractive?
Yeah, I guess—but the sexual rejection, emotional unavailability, possible spiritual 180, and the Sword of Damocles of potential BD’ing in the future really dampers my overall attraction to her. It really, really does. Would I take sex with her? Sure. Would be nice, but would feel like a live-in GF or one-night stand, which sounds really really awful, but then again I’m dealing with a woman who is NOT THE WOMAN I MARRIED (or even married to recently).
What I need to be careful with (and probably one of the graces of all this) is that I see (and know that there are) oodles of really attractive, lovely women out there. That, if she ever goes nuclear with all this, then I can say to myself ‘you know what, this is awful, but I’ll just work on myself and hope for the future.’
You are BELOW friend zone. You are in the "chump zone". Girls get free drinks from the chump zone guys. The guys are hoping to get lucky. They never do.
Get out of the "chump zone" and move to the "DOM zone" ASAP.
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If you want to quit looking pitiful to your wife, you make her think that maybe some young attractive woman is getting your attention, that you are having fun and by gosh she was the whole reason you weren't having fun during the marriage.,
How many attractive ladies are you interacting with on a regular basis? My guess is zero. How many attractive men is your W interacting with? I will take a guess it in NOT zero.
How do you compete with guys that your wife finds more attractive than you.? How do you learn new skills without practice?
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She's thinking about you all the time. She is wondering if these changes are for real,
She is thinking about you. What do you want her to be thinking?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
If I can do this, you can do this. Just because my wife didn't have a change of heart, does not mean yours won't.
I have seen two kinds of guys here. The ones that stay stuck too long and don't figure out how to be a DOM. Other guys that it get right away and get their wives attention.
Which one do you want to be?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I don't know if Dom is quite the right word. Definitely need to up the levels of attraction though. Physical attraction, social attraction (GAL w/ friends), leadership (eliminating NGS, upping communication effectiveness, etc.), and eliminating codependency. I've been trying really hard to improve in these areas and my W has noticed, even commented on each. I don't think it will save the M, but I feel better.
If you want to quit looking pitiful to your wife, you make her think that maybe some young attractive woman is getting your attention, that you are having fun and by gosh she was the whole reason you weren't having fun during the marriage. How many attractive ladies are you interacting with on a regular basis? My guess is zero. How many attractive men is your W interacting with? I will take a guess it in NOT zero.
Just for me, my wins today are talking with 2 lovely female colleagues today. Feels really, really nice. I know I’m still married, and at least 1 is in a relationship, but man are they nice to talk with and look at.
She's thinking about you all the time. She is wondering if these changes are for real, [/quote]She is thinking about you. What do you want her to be thinking?
I wonder if she is; what I want for her to think is “he’s moved on, and I want him back and need to do something to get him back”
Question though: Is this acting ‘as if?’ My IC mentioned that my sitch doesn’t exactly need the ‘as if’ treatment, but I’m believing that it does.
