You're being totally selfish. Why do you come to the board when you don't listen to the advice given? You couldn't just be you had to tell her you were going to look at furniture to get a reaction out of her.
Being strong for your kids by detaching and GALing for the next three weeks isn't being a doormat. You have been a doormat but now isn't the time. It's called putting your kids first. You're like a little kid pouting if you don't want to play the game the way I want to play that you need to go home.
I lived with my ex for a year and a half until she got a house because that is what was best for EVERYBODY involved.
You're spinning out of control and will do more damage. Stop and breathe and just let go.
You're being totally selfish. Why do you come to the board when you don't listen to the advice given? You couldn't just be you had to tell her you were going to look at furniture to get a reaction out of her.
Being strong for your kids by detaching and GALing for the next three weeks isn't being a doormat. You have been a doormat but now isn't the time. It's called putting your kids first. You're like a little kid pouting if you don't want to play the game the way I want to play that you need to go home.
I lived with my ex for a year and a half until she got a house because that is what was best for EVERYBODY involved.
You're spinning out of control and will do more damage. Stop and breathe and just let go.
Man, I get it. I truly admire your patience and willingness to do that for that long. I can’t imagine doing it for essentially 6x longer than I’ve been at it.
You’re right. I did tell her about the furniture to see what her response would be. You know what? She came hustling in to talk for the first time ever since BD. I sensed her feeling like she’s losing control. She feels in control because it’s her decision to leave. She feels in control because I told her she has to file, I’m not. And I still won’t. She felt in control by thinking she could decide to move out when it worked best for her. Not anymore. I took my b@lls back by telling her I want her out as soon as possible.
Does that mean she can still dictate when she moves out? Yes. I can’t force her too. But she knows that I want her gone now. I told her I’d talk to my IC on Monday to get her thoughts on making the transition before Christmas. I’m going to honor my word and if she tells me it’s a bad idea then I’ll accept it and I understand that my desires and feelings should take a backseat to what’s best for my kids. They always will.
This whole time I’ve given off the impression to my W that I’d probably welcome her back with open arms. At least my actions portrayed that even though that’s not the case. Not so much in the last 2 weeks or so, but I’m sure she figured if she wanted to come back she would be able to no questions asked. Now she knows that isn’t the case. I took action and reality might be finally hitting her for the first time.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
First off she is in control and I get the sense from you that you are a control freak (something for IC). You think that you telling her is gonna give you the control back which of course it is not it will most likely make matters worse.
Second without any doubt your W knows you will take her back with open arms. Unfortunately you have showed her with ACTIONS that she can treat you anyway and you will take her back. It is most likely gonna take years of ACTIONS on your part to convince her otherwise.
You can get the control back down the line when you get to a place where you decide what ACTIONS your wife has to do to earn another chance with you.
In my sitch I did what was best for everyone involved and kept it amicable and I was rewarded with my ex taking less for the equity in the house and less in child support.
Accept this is gonna happen and do what's best for your kids. You will survive this and thrive if you choose.
Had my IC session this morning. She told me that in her opinion, it would be best to wait until after the holidays to make the transition of my W moving out. So there's that....I want to do what's in the best interest of my kids. That's my #1 priority. They take precedent over my wants and desires, personally, that's for sure. How do I bring this up to my W? I told her I was going to talk about everything with IC today so she knew that was the plan today.
Has anyone else's IC given them a hug after their session?
Mine did today. It wasn't because I was emotional or anything like that. I think she truly understands and empathizes with just how F#$%ed up my situation is and realizes that I'm pretty much getting the shaft. I told her toward the end that I hate the thought of being a victim and have never really had that mentality in anything but I do sort of feel like I'm getting the raw end of the deal in this situation. I've always had pretty much 4 close friends that I would consider my best friends. My W has destroyed 2 of those 4 relationships for me. Now she's wanting to destroy my family to top it all off. I've always had the opinion that I could forgive her for the friendships that have been destroyed because family comes first. Now that it appears she's dead set on torching our family as well, I have a lot of resentment building for her. I was willing to give her not 1, 2 or 3 chances, but 4. She can't even provide me with one second chance to correct the things that she has deemed as my short comings or problems in our M. That stings and for lack of a better term, pisses me off. I will say, though, the resentment and anger I have makes it a hell of a lot easier to detach. And then I can add in basically abandoning our business we built together and leaving me with all of that to contend with, by myself, and the fact that she basically gets to "get away" from everything by working in another town now leaves me to face the community who will eventually know where our situation is headed when she moves out, leaves me to manage the kids with getting them to school and daycare and picking them up and feeding them supper all by myself. Thankfully my parents live here and have been a huge help thus far. I'll always be grateful for the help they've given me so far. I don't know, just feels like I'm the one shoulder deep in crap and she gets to basically walk away and not face any of the music. Pretty similar to after her relationships with my 2 friends did the same. In those instances, I'm the one left getting to answer questions why I don't associate with them anymore, etc.
We all deserve someone who wants to be with us. Who truly loves us for who we are and what we bring to a relationship. I have faith that there is someone out there that will appreciate me. No one is perfect. I know I could have done things better in our M. Do I think that my deficiencies are so egregious that they warrant a D without giving me a chance to become a better version of myself now that I know what they are? Absolutely not. But that is not for me to decide and I have no control over it. I have no doubt that God intends to give me someone great in my life down the road and that she will treat me better than my current W ever did. That thought of that sounds so amazing to me right now and I'm going to put all my trust in Him.
I do think my W's comments about moving out last week were sort of a "bluff" now that I look at it. Last week she said the apartment was going to be ready on Friday when a friend of hers (who is, ironically, going through a D) moved out. This weekend she told me that that apartment wasn't the one she was going to rent because it was only one bedroom. I didn't put 2 and 2 together until this morning on my drive to my IC session. That in addition to her hustling in to talk to me after I mentioned going to look for new furniture. That's the first time she's come to me with any "urgency" to talk about anything throughout this whole ordeal....oh well, don't really care either way anymore.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Another quick questions I thought of....when we were having the conversation on Saturday about me wanting her to move out as soon as she is able and not wait until after the holidays, I told her that's what I needed to continue my path of 'moving on.'
After I said that, her question to me was, "what in your mind does moving on mean, or what do you think moving on looks like for you?" Can't really remember the exact question word for word, but it was something similar to those....Was that a temp check? If so, it was the first one I've gotten throughout this whole mess. FYI, I didn't answer it.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
After I said that, her question to me was, "what in your mind does moving on mean, or what do you think moving on looks like for you?"
Give us your answer in a DBing, non-pursing way.
“Moving on for me is to continue to focus on making positive changes in myself and doing what’s best for our kids. I will not shy away from opportunities to enter into a relationship with someone down the road. I have a lot of love left that I want to give to someone deserving of it.”
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Keeping the trail of the conversation let choose the middle paragraph of your update.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
We all deserve someone who wants to be with us. Who truly loves us for who we are and what we bring to a relationship. I have faith that there is someone out there that will appreciate me. No one is perfect. I know I could have done things better in our M. Do I think that my deficiencies are so egregious that they warrant a D without giving me a chance to become a better version of myself now that I know what they are? Absolutely not. But that is not for me to decide and I have no control over it. I have no doubt that God intends to give me someone great in my life down the road and that she will treat me better than my current W ever did. That thought of that sounds so amazing to me right now and I'm going to put all my trust in Him.
So you have a course to set. Be the lighthose. Be the role model parent for your kids.
(((hugs)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Keeping the trail of the conversation let choose the middle paragraph of your update.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
We all deserve someone who wants to be with us. Who truly loves us for who we are and what we bring to a relationship. I have faith that there is someone out there that will appreciate me. No one is perfect. I know I could have done things better in our M. Do I think that my deficiencies are so egregious that they warrant a D without giving me a chance to become a better version of myself now that I know what they are? Absolutely not. But that is not for me to decide and I have no control over it. I have no doubt that God intends to give me someone great in my life down the road and that she will treat me better than my current W ever did. That thought of that sounds so amazing to me right now and I'm going to put all my trust in Him.
So you have a course to set. Be the lighthose. Be the role model parent for your kids.
