Hi Davide - your post about you discussion with your W really hit a cord with me. I suspect my H and your W may be cut from the same cloth. They are both essentially good people, trying to do the right thing, but unsure what the right thing is. They don't want to hurt us but they also don't want to be with us. They love us, but the 'weight of it' it all is too much. So they take the easy road, escape and try and make a fresh start. Confusion, doubt and love for me and our life has always been a theme in my H escape. The difference I guess is my H still has a lot of anger and blame.
Anyway, I don't want to hijack your thread. I just wanted to say I think you handled it in a way that stayed true to you. Maybe not in the text book DB way, but in a way that was considerate and kind. You are letting her go with love.
You once said I was an inspiration. Right back at you D.
Good luck on the dating scene. I look forward to hearing your updates ... it has been a lifetime since I dated and have no idea how it's done now.
I think you handled it well, especially given that you are not well practiced in these conversations. I know you "know" this, but it's harder to put into actions when it's your sitch, your emotions.
When your W says, "I don't want to lose you from my life", that's a great time to validate. Saying "You already have", while true, was probably a bit harsh. Gotta love the WAS's who don't want to lose the LBS, but that's why we say to believe nothing they say.
The best thing you can do, IMO, is to move back to the life you were creating for yourself. Good job overall.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks for the words of encouragement. It sounds like there are some striking similarities in our spouses. (woo... alliteration!) Do you find that your H is ruled by emotion? That seems to be a dominant theme for my W - it feels to me that she is a slave to her emotions, whether it be unhappiness in the MR, or limerence with the OM. In my opinion, she puts too much stock in these temporary emotions and not enough in what is truly important (her values). That is the source of much of her conflict as she is still torn by conflicting emotions - excitement for her new life, guilt for leaving, sadness for what we were, probably passion for OM. She genuinely does not want to hurt me, but she lacks the ability to set aside these emotions. I'm thankful that she isn't angry or full of blame. That must be difficult to deal with.
Dating is strange. I am trying to act as deliberately as I can, to make sure that I am making decisions for the right reasons, and not falling back into old behavior patterns. Right now the doctor I am seeing is making that difficult. She keeps pushing to move faster, but at the same time is highly skeptical of me and my ability to be in a relationship so soon after my separation. It feels at times like anything I do wrong is an excuse for her to push me away because it signals my lack of readiness. We were supposed to meet up yesterday, but I misunderstood some texts and we didn't end up getting together. She really lost it on me. I apologized because it was my fault, but at the same time I am wary of falling back into that Nice Guy who is constantly apologizing and doing whatever it takes to keep their partner happy. I own up to my mistakes, but the rest is on her. I am very consciously trying not to take on her emotional baggage - whatever neediness she has is her problem, not mine.
Ovr,
Thanks for chiming in as well. Yeah, I shouldn't have said the "you already did" comment when she said that she was afraid of losing me. To be fair, it was said with a chuckle not maliciously. However, as soon as it came out of my mouth I realized that it was the wrong thing to say. Validating and listening was my main focus for almost all the conversation. That was hard because she was pressing to hear from me, but I did it as well as I could.
Yep. The answer is always to keep on keeping on. I led a fun group bike ride last night in some freezing weather, tonight I am off to the gym unless my lady friend wants to get together, then Saturday should be snow-filled with a work party in the evening. Sunday, if the snow isn't too bad I am off to a city 4 hours away for an international job fair! So, I am certainly keeping busy!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Good to hear it Davide, it sounds like you are aware of your mistakes (they were minor) and I always think you have a good attitude. Enjoy your weekend!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I ended up meeting up for dinner last night with the doctor and then falling asleep at her place (nothing happened). It was awkward and there was clearly still tension over our missed date on Thursday. Again, her problem, not mine.
Today, she ended up stopping by my place for an hour in the afternoon before running some errands. She later texted me that she wanted to drop off some almond milk and cocoa mix (from the previous night) while I was baking cookies for a work party this evening.
So, she shows up, without warning at my place around 6 p.m. And she has brought me an unexpected Christmas present of a couple of pairs of really nice "smart wool" socks for biking in the cold. But then proceeds to tell me that she doesn't think we should see each other any more. How bizarre!?!? It certainly stung/stings that she doesn't want to keep seeing me, but it was offset by the sheer absurdity of bringing me socks as a present while telling me that.
To top it off, she then sends me a series of ten(!!) text messages while I am driving to and at my work party, wondering if I have tried on the socks, how they are, why I'm not responding, etc....
Between the conversation with my W and this, it has been a tough couple of days. I'm definitely feeling a bit deflated and low. I suppose that's the cost of making myself vulnerable. Thankfully, I can laugh a bit about the absurdity of the situation, but it still is a blow to my ego. It's cold and wet, and we might be getting snow and I'll be alone in the house. Not the way I would have preferred to have spent my weekend, but I will get by.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Davide... your description of your W being ruled by feelings as opposed to values is exactly my H. I asked him once what his values were and he wasn’t able to answer me. Not sure he has really thought about it before.
Re: the doctor. She seems to recognize that dating you is a risk given your sitch but is also upset with you about it. Her not wanting to see you right now should not be viewed as a rejection. I think it is the opposite. I think she knows she is too invested already and wants to protect herself from being hurt. The best defense is always a good offence, right? Anyway, she probably wanted you to argue the “we shouldn’t see each other” stance she was taking. Sounds more like the dating version of a temperature check. Just my opinion.
So, she shows up, without warning at my place around 6 p.m. And she has brought me an unexpected Christmas present of a couple of pairs of really nice "smart wool" socks for biking in the cold. But then proceeds to tell me that she doesn't think we should see each other any more. How bizarre!?!? It certainly stung/stings that she doesn't want to keep seeing me, but it was offset by the sheer absurdity of bringing me socks as a present while telling me that.
To top it off, she then sends me a series of ten(!!) text messages while I am driving to and at my work party, wondering if I have tried on the socks, how they are, why I'm not responding, etc....
If there is one thing I've learned during this time is hurt people do stupid things. And when I say that, I am referring to me not H (though he too has been hurt and done some stupid things). Think about it this way "smart socks for riding in the cold". This is a gift she put thought and time into. She was excited about giving it to you. She had expectations and the reality, for whatever reasons, did not meet those expectations. So, she was hurt and she cut you off. Then she thought better of it and sent you lots of texts temp checking. This is more about her than you. You now need to think if this is a relationship you want to invest time in because, if not, and you pursue, then she will get hurt. I know you are a good man and you will do the right thing.
Originally Posted by Davide
It sounds like there are some striking similarities in our spouses. (woo... alliteration!) Do you find that your H is ruled by emotion? That seems to be a dominant theme for my W - it feels to me that she is a slave to her emotions, whether it be unhappiness in the MR, or limerence with the OM.
Firstly - go you for knowing what alliteration is. My H is very much ruled by his emotions but he does not know how to handle them. They sit and they fester beneath the surface. The dominant ones for him are resentment, anger, jealousy and love for me. Trying to reconcile these emotions over the six months before he MO must have been hell for him. Endless thought tunnels. He said about two months after BD (not to me) that I was all he could think about. Part of him escaped so that he could put those emotions to bed. I sometimes still see the love in his eyes, but he hides it very well under the rainbows and unicorns façade. All I can say is he feels very far away.
If there is one thing I've learned during this time is hurt people do stupid things. And when I say that, I am referring to me not H (though he too has been hurt and done some stupid things). Think about it this way "smart socks for riding in the cold". This is a gift she put thought and time into. She was excited about giving it to you. She had expectations and the reality, for whatever reasons, did not meet those expectations. So, she was hurt and she cut you off. Then she thought better of it and sent you lots of texts temp checking. This is more about her than you. You now need to think if this is a relationship you want to invest time in because, if not, and you pursue, then she will get hurt. I know you are a good man and you will do the right thing.
What I find most strange is that she clearly put thought into the gift and was very concerned that I like them. However, I also know that she bought them on Saturday afternoon right before she came over. So, she bought them with the intention of giving them to me at the same time as she told me that we should stop going out. They were to soften the blow? haha!
I don't think she is temp checking or that she wanted me to talk her into continuing. That already happened twice. This was different. Yesterday she continued to send me texts. She explicitly told me that she really likes and respects me and wants to keep me in her life as a friend. I let her know that after going through that with my ex (obviously a different situation), that I wasn't interested in being anyone's Plan B. I have learned that it is healthier to just let things go and move on.
I'm certainly not broken up over it, but it is disappointing to have to start over again from zero. Especially being trapped with all the snow and slush this weekend (snow day today!) it would have been nice to have someone to nest and watch Netflix with! There was a connection there that I don't find very often when dating.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I think you said she's 38, right? Do you think she's looking to settle down and start a family quickly and that's why she seemed to be moving too fast? In any case, did you ask her why she made that decision? Are there other women you've been dating as well that you might keep seeing?
I can kind of imagine that it's hard to find a connection like that. Perhaps however she'll re-emerge after a while when you're divorced to try again. You never know. If there was a special connection it's too bad she had to let it go so soon!
