My W is doing all the things that I need to be doing
I hate that feeling! So you and I have similar thoughts/feelings about our Ws. The calm, collected walking away, the way they are moving on and building a new life for themself the way we should be. It’s disheartening at times. And it really does make you feel like they’re way far gone, relative to the flaky/rollercoaster WWs that many people are dealing with. Generally speaking I think this is a common feeling once there is physical S. Yail and Twofeet are dealing with similar stuff. On the other hand I’ve read that this isn’t necessarily a bad thing and suggests that we are further along (and thus closer to any potential future R). Plus having the time/space to improve ourselves, when the emotions are bearable. (My memory isn’t great right now, so if you aren’t physically S then disregard.)
Originally Posted by JB42
Is there a point where it becomes unhealthy?
What becomes unhealthy? There’s nothing unhealthy about regaining your “integrated male” self (as portrayed in NMMNG), doing things for yourself, and reading and working on improving yourself. Those are things we all should be doing to foster healthy relationships and a healthy sense of self. And those two things go together.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
DB is so hard. I'm really struggling with processing the changes that are going on. There is so much in motion and turmoil that it's hard to keep it all straight. My W is doing all the things that I need to be doing - GAL, 180, detachment. It feels like I've already lost her, which is probably a healthy thought. I've been getting out, doing things with friends and by myself. I'm making plans with the kids, too. I'm trying to regain my masculinity by spending more time with other men and just doing the things I need and want to do. Still doing a ton of reading and research on improving myself. Is there a point where it becomes unhealthy?
It is one of the most difficult things you will do. Always do your best. It is OK to take a break. Breaks are an important part of the improvement process.
The Key is making positive improvements. A little at a time leads to big changes in the future. One step at a time.
Memorize these words:
H:"W, Stop. We both know you are lying. When you are ready to tell me the truth, I will listen."
Do not tolerate anymore disrespectful behavior. Confront it. Do not fear it.
H:"This is not working for me" H:"I will not participate in your deception"
There is a whole bunch more where that comes from. Do you want more?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Those are good, R2C. I've been working on boundaries, though I think lying isn't an issue at the moment. We just don't talk about the OM or the MR at this point. When she gets too heated in our other conversations, I just calmly end the conversation, stating that it's not productive to talk when emotions are this high.
The breaking news right now is she is closing on a house. She used her portion of the joint assets to make the down payment, but we haven't even officially filed for D, nor do we have a D agreement. I'm not going to get into the legal aspects of it, but it really put a damper on the finances (which we agreed to split 1 Jan) as well as it's a huge emotional blow to me. I try to be cheerful around her, but I find myself being more and more cold and less and less considerate of her situation. I'm still grinding on self-improvement. Read a ton of books so far and adding more to the hopper - I've almost replaced music entirely with podcasts on bettering myself. I'm getting out more and trying to spend quality time with the boys. Sometimes it's hard because I have a lot of logistics to work out, like selling the home and shopping for a new one. Pretty resentful of the situation she put us in, but I'm trying to let go and just handle my business.
think lying isn't an issue at the moment. We just don't talk about the OM or the MR at this point.
Yes. Her plan is to tell other people about him after the D. I am sure your plan is to protect her secrete affair.
Deception and facades. I have to shine a light on my childrens deception constantly. Just because they do not use their words to hide the truth, I still know that they are being deceptive. I let them dig themselves into a hole with their words.
Dad: "S,Did you eat the cup cake?" S :"No" Dad:"I will give you one chance to tell me the truth" S"No dad it wasn't me" Dad" Why do you have chocolate on your lips?" S: Head drops, knows he was caught.
H:"Are you sleeping with another man?" W:"No" H:"Who is this guy?" W"Just a friend"
Bla bla bla bla....we just kissed...bla bla bla lie lie lie
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Sometimes its therapeutic to think about her consequences, but that's her problem, not mine. I'm sure there will be another round of emotional pain when I get there. I'm trying to stay mindful and present in the moment. I can't stop her from doing whatever she wants with anyone she wants. I've expressed my opinion, and just like the talk about saving the marriage, it's only going to happen once.
W took S14 snowboarding yesterday with OM. I tried not to react when S14 said his name, but I felt the shift in mood immediately. Not sure how to proceed with that. I don't know if S14 even knows about them or how W behaves when her and OM are with the kids. I don't want S14 to feel like he has to walk on eggshells around me. I'm incredibly angry with W right now. I'm trying to zen myself out right now. FML
Sometimes its therapeutic to think about her consequences, but that's her problem, not mine. I'm sure there will be another round of emotional pain when I get there.
There will be more pain, JB. I hate to say that, but I am speaking from experience. I don't know when or if it will go away. Just go through it and continue to DB. I'm in month 11 post BD and nearly 4 months of DBing. In that time I have cried a lot, raged plenty, had my good days, and got a lot of tough love from these folks.
Originally Posted by JB42
I'm trying to stay mindful and present in the moment. I can't stop her from doing whatever she wants with anyone she wants. I've expressed my opinion, and just like the talk about saving the marriage, it's only going to happen once.
You can't. She will have to stop it on her own and feel the brunt of the consequences resulting from her choices. Just keep working on you. And do your best at controlling your emotions in front of W or her friends/family. It's a process.
W took S14 snowboarding yesterday with OM. I tried not to react when S14 said his name, but I felt the shift in mood immediately. Not sure how to proceed with that. I don't know if S14 even knows about them or how W behaves when her and OM are with the kids. I don't want S14 to feel like he has to walk on eggshells around me. I'm incredibly angry with W right now. I'm trying to zen myself out right now. FML
Very sorry you had to go through that, but I can relate as I went through it as well. At the time I didn't know if W was romantic with OM or if they were "just friends" but regardless, it really hurts when your kid/ kids tell you about some outing with OM. One thing I can safely say is your S is old enough to know who dad is so be thankful for that. No matter how hard OM may try YOU are S14's dad. I really feel for those who have younger children going through this because young kids are far more susceptible to being brainwashed by a WAS into thinking OM/ OW is an alternate "parent". But once they're teens they see right through that stuff.
As you said, you can't stop W from seeing OM and you can't stop her from having OM around S14. As hard as it is to think about, try and let it go. In my case I was pretty confident OM was going to be kind and respectful towards my kids, so as much as it hurt at least I was secure that they were safe. I did not try to talk to my kids about OM at all, but if they talked to me I listened and validated. On the rare occasions they did talk about it they were angry that they felt like XW was trying to push them to interact with him when they didn't want to. Their attitude was "we have a dad, we don't want or need another one". Eventually XW had them around OM less and less. They never see him anymore and don't really know if XW is still involved with him or not.
So what I'm saying is trust S14, he's old enough to have discernment and he will very likely resolve this with your W without your intervention.
