You made me chuckle there. I am pretty sure women when they are out on a date, are not using an app and asking : "When did you divorce? Less than 2 years ago? Sorry, the playbook says 2 yrs minimum."
Again, your goal is not to move on, it is to start moving forward. All posters have been saying to you that you have to start moving forward, do not preoccupy yourself with moving on.
I am not saying that it is the right decision for burned, but truthfully marriage status does matter in the dating world. There are lots of women who won't date separated men, I've run into a few of them myself. There are women who will stop seeing you when they find out how long/short a time you have been separated. Especially with the predominance of on-line dating and how all of this information is often presented up front and it is so easy to filter people out, it does matter.
It is still not a reason to file for D, for sure.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I guess that's what it comes down to. The right reason. To move on. And to not have that axe hanging over my head thinking that at some point she'll hit me with it and I'll go back to the miserable place I was in September/October. To regain a feeling of control.
burned, if you want to beat W to the punch by doing that, do so from a clear, non-emotional mindset. And you are not in that mindset right now. You whiplash between wanting her back and divorcing her. You are very emotional and your decisions based on your emotions will come back to bite you in the ass.
Originally Posted by burned
I see really almost no hope for her changing her mind. I see no hope for her even thinking about the reasons why she's doing what she's doing. Since the beginning 8 months ago she has buried herself in her work/school to avoid thinking about/dealing with the issues. She is clearly 3 feet out the door. Then we get to talking about separating finances, selling the house, giving away the cats. Part of me thinks that's just a way for her to temp check. But I could also be in denial and using that as an excuse to not do what pretty much needs to be done.
You cannot control the way she thinks or acts. Don't base your decisions around your assumptions around her. Base your decisions around YOU.
Originally Posted by burned
What evidence is there that anything will ever change? And is this the kind of person who would ever have the courage or the stamina to go through piecing? And then how do I start dating if I'm not even divorced? Or if there's this notion that women won't date anyone who hasn't been divorced for 2 years, then that clock should start ticking. I'm not getting any younger.
You're working yourself up for situations that are just a fantasy. Stop it. If you come to those roads, then methodically prepare for it so that you can make a SOUND decision.
Originally Posted by burned
So, it comes down to impatience. I want to put this whole mess behind me. I want to make it so that my legal status and the status the world is aware of, matches with the reality of our emotional status. Which is that the M is dead, buried. And then within 6 hours I'm back to the old, "Well, let it hang, it doesn't matter, I'm doing my own thing here and I don't really care what my legal status is."
Whiplash. You are aware of that right? Slow down. Just think about before you react.
You are already working on the healing process. Just continue that. Enjoy life as you wanted to. Use the example of your fish sandwich dinner. Do more things like that.
Originally Posted by burned
So yeah, just more spinning, more impatience. Getting tired of the limbo.
It's exhausting, I know. But it's only been 8 months. Yep, I said ONLY . I am going into nearly 1 year since BD and things between W and I are just as muddy. But do you know what's getting less muddy? Me and my mindset. It's changing for the better and I am feeling like a better man. I don't think I would be able to accomplish this much if we either R or I just D by now and moved in separate directions. I think that either decision would eventually lead to me making the same mistakes over again in my next R. And we can agree that NO one wants to go through that again.
Burned - How was the weekend for GAL? How did you do last week for your goals?
I wish you could spend MUCH more time focusing on those things than on the minutiae of what you are thinking dealing with in regards to W. We can all keep giving you advice, but it isnt really going to change. It reads as much the same as a few months ago. Take your focus off of W and put it on you.
Basically, W wont want to come back while you are focusing on her. In fact, she probably wont want to consider coming back until youve given up hope and moved on. Thats why you cant "see" any reason for hope now. Your future is a self-fulfilling prophecy - your future isnt written. Your actions IMPACT the future.
How would your actions today change if I told you W was 100% coming back? 0% coming back? somewhere in the middle?
How was the weekend for GAL? How did you do last week for your goals?
Not enough GAL. The time I did spend with my friends was nice. I can't have dinner with them every day, though. As for goals, not good. What else is new? I'm really, REALLY struggling with the goals thing. I just can't figure out why I don't enjoy doing new things or meeting new people.
Originally Posted by Amoafwl
Basically, W wont want to come back while you are focusing on her. In fact, she probably wont want to consider coming back until youve given up hope and moved on.
This doesn't make any sense. We never talk. I post nothing on SM. I have literally zero interactions with anyone she is in contact with. There is absolutely NO way, aside from ESP, that she knows what I'm doing. I could be backpacking in the Andes and she wouldn't know it. How does she know if I've given up hope and moved on? Well, one way to know would be if I filed for divorce, got all my remaining crap out of the house, and told her to never call me. But then I can't do that because that would mean I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it to get a reaction out of her.
Originally Posted by Amoafwl
How would your actions today change if I told you W was 100% coming back? 0% coming back? somewhere in the middle?
If she were 100% coming back I could spend my time doing the things I used to do, which I enjoyed tremendously. If she were 0% coming back I could spend time finding someone to replace her, someone to build a life with, someone who appreciates the essentially decent and likable person I used to be.
I'm frustrated at myself. I'm sorry. I can't seem to get unstuck. But none of that stuckness has much to do with her. The only difference now is that I have no one to hide behind.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Basically, W wont want to come back while you are focusing on her. In fact, she probably wont want to consider coming back until you've given up hope and moved on.
Originally Posted by burned
This doesn't make any sense.
It makes perfect sense to me. I have the benefit of hindsight and 10 years processing all of this.
This still has nothing to do with her and and everything to do with you, your behavior, your thought processes...etc
This is a huge test. The next time she interacts with you, she will immediately know.
It is obvious to us that you have not done the work needed.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am pretty sure women when they are out on a date, are not using an app and asking : "When did you divorce? Less than 2 years ago? Sorry, the playbook says 2 yrs minimum." 