Quotes Found on DivorceBusting Forums (6)

[Ready2Change]

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I firmly believe that in order to have a genuine M, both people must be willing to look at themselves, be willing to change, and have remorse for the pain they have caused. I see this from you, but she seems far from even admitting to what she has done. She has given you no reason to trust her. So while you might be able to do some patchwork here and there and get her into counseling, she does not yet have an open heart. SHE IS STILL WAYWARD! Sure you have made your mistakes, we all have. That does not entitle her to have an affair. And she hasn't even admitted to it? We all teach people how to treat us. How do you want to be treated by your W? I ask you again, how do you think you deserve to be treated?

Some posters here think they can come here, follow the rules, and somehow win their S back. Their only focus is that if their M is restored, they will somehow have a better life. That is not how life works! Life is what WE make of it. They also are so internally wounded they refuse to see their reality. Truth is, you cannot force someone to love you or respect you. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! Don't you guys want to be in a M where you are loved and respected? Isn't that what M is about? Having someone physically there is not a real partnership...... Down the road, if and only if, she shows you a woman that is remorseful and committed to you, then you can consider if you want her back.

Blu

[Ready2Change]

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I try to stay away from this forum because I always get p*ssed when I read the various stories and it seems like everyone tiptoes around the obvious. Look, your wife is not a WAW. The probability that she's having and affair is roughly the same as the probability that the sun will come up tomorrow morning. She's with her affair partner on the weekends, and yet, she still gets her comfy bed and family life during the week. In other words, she gets to eat her cake and have it too. She's cake eating. She's living the dream. She has no incentive to change. If you're happy being in an open relationship, then you're good to go, otherwise you need to wake up and take action. You can start by getting the master bedroom back stop allowing her to dictate your life. The doormat has got to go, otherwise she'll never have any respect for you and you won't have any respect for yourself.

And, maybe doodler isn't DB, I don't really know, and maybe you shouldn't do what doodler would do, but...I'd tell her it's perfectly fine if she wants to go see her "girlfriend" for the weekend, but when she returns from her weekend getaway, she'd best be prepared to get her sh*t off the front lawn and go find a place to live. Locks changed, credit cards cancelled, and an appointment has been made with a lawyer.

[Ready2Change]

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Joe, first of all you're doing all the right things in setting boundaries and not rushing things, well done! Regarding the above, just tell her how you feel. If she asks about getting married again just tell her that is a conversation for well down the road, that even her mentioning it to you at this time is causing you anxiety because you're not ready for that yet. This happens a lot at the beginning of recon, the WAS and LBS switch places. The WAS is the one that's pursuing and pressuring and the LBS is the one that's trying to pull back and create space. The thing is, you know how to be a LBS, she doesn't. So train her. Tell her you need to take it slow, and she needs to respect you and give you time and space to process this all.

[Ready2Change]

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Self-differentiation was a game-changer for me. I had become so codependent, even as toxic as our MR had become, that I couldn't fathom happiness without her. Since all of that I have discovered and realized that I need to celebrate our differences, not be ashamed of them. And to be happy in those differences. She may hate the music I listen to, the movies I love, and the TV shows I watch, but that is not a reflection on me! It is me being me and finding my own happiness. When that dynamic is lost in a MR there is no hope of long-term success. Eventually the weight of both people's happiness will cause the one it falls to to collapse. This dynamic is a huge factor is so many of the sitches here.

[Wanted1]

I don’t know if this is the proper place, but figured it would reach more people than posting in my own thread. I just came across a song and music video that is about DBing basically.

Google - Be Alright by Dean Lewis and watch and listen

Lyrics

I look up from the ground
To see your sad and teary eyes
You look away from me
And I see there's something you're trying to hide
And I reach for your hand but it's cold
You pull away again
And I wonder what's on your mind
And then you say to me you made a dumb mistake
You start to tremble and your voice begins to break
You say the cigarettes on the counter weren't your friends
They were my mates
And I feel the color draining from my face
And my friend said
"I know you love her, but it's over, mate
It doesn't matter, put the phone away
It's never easy to walk away, let her go
It'll be alright"
So I still look back at all the messages you'd sent
And I know it wasn't right, but it was [censored] with my head
And everything deleted like the past, it was gone
And when I touched your face, I could tell you're moving on
But it's not the fact that you kissed him yesterday
It's the feeling of betrayal, that I just can't seem to shake
And everything I know tells me that I should walk away
But I just want to stay
And my friend said
"I know you love her, but it's over, mate
It doesn't matter, put the phone away
It's never easy to walk away, let her go
It'll be okay
It's gonna hurt for a bit of time
So bottoms up, let's forget tonight
You'll find another and you'll be just fine
Let her go"
But nothing heals the past like time
And they can't steal
The love you're born to find
But nothing heals the past like time
And they can't steal
The love you're born to find
"I know you love her, but it's over, mate
It doesn't matter, put the phone away
It's never easy to walk away, let her go
It'll be okay
It's gonna hurt for a bit of time
So bottoms up, let's forget tonight
You'll find another and you'll be just fine
Let her go"
It'll be alright
It'll be alright
It'll be alright
It'll be alright
It'll be alright

[Ready2Change]

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Hi there. I'm younger, no kids, but your sitch sounds fairly similar to where mine was in May-July of this year. It was before I got here. I probably got here too late but you might have a better chance. Look through my threads to see what NOT to do, and stick to the advice you get here. Do it wholeheartedly and without delay, and you might be surprised at how things turn out.

[Ready2Change]

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Unfortunately your life is never going to be the same. The good news your actions will determine whether your life will be better or worse. We are here for you.

[Ready2Change]

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DB'ing is about fighting for your M by not fighting. By focusing on yourself and giving your spouse time and space. Well guess what happens if you DB properly? Eventually you find your balls again and realize you have a lot of value as a person and you don't need to put up with crappy behavior from a crappy excuse for a wife. Eventually you realize that beautiful, loving, tender, caring woman you married has been abducted and you're trying to recon with some hateful, angry, vengeful, remorseless, adulterous creature inhabiting her old shell. Most LBS's end up getting an opportunity to recon, but it comes so far down the road that they've moved on to the point that they no longer want that person in their life. LBS's all come here thinking they are powerless, but they are in fact masters of their own destiny, even eventually making the final decision to recon or not. They just don't know it yet.




The ones that recon (and it is way more than 10%) are mostly model DBers that have put in a TON of work. And then once they recon they continue to work their tails off. It's not just luck that gets them there, and it sure as hell isn't coming to the DB boards and ignoring all advice while doing all the wrong things because they think their sitch is different or they know better.

[Ready2Change]

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My advice, don't put too much thought into what you SHOULD do. But listen to what you SHOULDN'T do. Memorize Sandi's rules, literally.

ACTIONS, not words. An ultimatum is just words. Weak, needy. ACTIONS speak louder. You don't say "I'm leaving if you don't change." You just do an about-face, forward march. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

You do it by GAL, primarily. You do it by 180s. You do it by the way you "carry" yourself. Suddenly you feel great because you joined a gym and pounded the spit out of a punching bag. You get home, W says "blah blah blah I'm on my way to the cabin with my girls" and you think to yourself, "Meh, have fun. Only I know how to really please you, but suit yourself." Then you walk to the freezer and start eating the ice cream right out of the tub.

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But some of the responses make me feel like some are suggesting that I should deliver an ultimatum? Or simply just walk away?

Its not an ultimatum. Its a boundary. Its not a boundary for your WW, its for you. Go read the boundaries thread. You don't need to repeat your boundaries over and over to your WW. Once is enough.

Your detachment from them is their consequence for their behavior.

You have to decide when you are done. If you are a model DB and WW keeps on going forever and ever, you have to decide when you have had enough. The final act of LRT is you ending your MR. That is when have made significant changes in yourself, you can recognize these changes and have consistently kept them up and nothing has changed between you and your WW.

I think a lot of people give themselves about a year. I think thats about accurate.

[Ready2Change]

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Just relax, breathe. Have a canned response or two ready for W, like "I'll think about that and let you know". And don't get sucked in. Enjoy life my friend!