Ryan, yes WASs are usually have a very rosy outlook on the D process, how easy it is, and what they can get out of it. This is why we often say that the reality sometimes will sober them up. Lot of WASs have tried to R after they or the LBS filed for D. I often say that when my WW found out I had contacted a lawyer she was stunned. I think it was because she realized that I was not going to fight the D if she were to move it forward. And that it meant she'd need a L. And that it was going to take a longtime and be drawn out.
I am never for making it easy on a WAS. Even in D. I say make it has hard on them as possible. So many LBS are worried about cost. I know all of our financial sitches are different but I was willing to spend as much as it took to make it as painful for her as possible. That was my plan. Everyone has to decide for themselves.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Whatever the circumstances (WW, WAS, MLC) it does seem like a common theme is varying levels of escapism. They all run off to a fantasy they have created, while most LBS are left holding pieces of reality and what they thought they had (often a fantasy). The sooner we (LBS) face reality and discard the fantasy the better off we recover and grow. It appears that from what I have read here the WW/WAS/MLC sometimes get slapped in the face with a good hard dose of reality and hopefully, but not always recovers from the escapism fantasy. They also sometimes never abandon the a escapism fantasy and take their problems to the next part of their life, relationships, etc.
Your W might wake up a bit as things get serious. I know for the 2 months my W was in the house post BD she started to really understand the realities of S and D. Mostly, because I shoved reality in her face so it could wake her up a bit. She would get a bit fearful at times and want to know what I was doing, and if I was talking to a lawyer. Once she figured that I didn't want to see the ship sink in flames she chose to go back to fantasy land. Since we don't talk beyond kids and finances I don't know what going on with her, but from what I can see it appears to be more of the same. Ignoring reality and seeking escapism.
Last edited by Twofeet; 12/04/1806:00 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Steve, The funny thing is she doesn't understand in the slightest just how difficult she is making it for herself. She avoids any communication with me regarding the actual S and just does what she thinks is best for her. Not sure what her thought is behind some of this stuff but it looks like she is just trying to, and thinks she actually is escaping financial responsibility and dumping it on me. Where I live 50/50 is automatically assumed from the date of S until legal D is settled and that includes all finances. She doesn't seem to realize that she can run all she wants, I will keep looking after the expenses on my own and she will get a large invoice for her half if and when D comes up. I wanted to keep things as smooth as possible but i need to protect myself and am willing to pay a lawyer what it takes to do that. For now all I need to do is keep the records up to date.
Steve, The funny thing is she doesn't understand in the slightest just how difficult she is making it for herself. She avoids any communication with me regarding the actual S and just does what she thinks is best for her. Not sure what her thought is behind some of this stuff but it looks like she is just trying to, and thinks she actually is escaping financial responsibility and dumping it on me. Where I live 50/50 is automatically assumed from the date of S until legal D is settled and that includes all finances. She doesn't seem to realize that she can run all she wants, I will keep looking after the expenses on my own and she will get a large invoice for her half if and when D comes up. I wanted to keep things as smooth as possible but i need to protect myself and am willing to pay a lawyer what it takes to do that. For now all I need to do is keep the records up to date.
Exactly. It is the wayward/walkaway fog. Reality eventually smacks them in the face. The sooner the better. Which is why I started walking back her "easy D" promises right away. She was trying to take the easy way out: "I don't want any of "your" money." "You keep the house and live in it with D14." "We can file for D online for $250." After I got my feet back under me I told her: "You will get half of everything. Including debt, retirement accounts, etc." "We will sell the house and split the equity 50/50." "I talked to a lawyer. I am not comfortable filing for D online so when I file (notice I am taking control) I will file through my lawyer."
3 fantasies bubbles with images of unicorns in rainbows on them, and I burst all three. Stuff just got real. Doesn't work with every WW, but with mine it sobered her up fairly quickly.
Last edited by Steve85; 12/05/1802:32 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It's good to hear that Steve as that is exactly what has been happening, "I don't want child support" etc. Pretty much the same list as your case. SO far I think my stance has been positive and similar to yours. I have outlined what she will get including child support, half of all goods, half of the house, retirement funds and the debt. Also the kids, she has repeatedly mentioned that she wants me around whenever they want to see me, has stated "you are such a wonderful dad and they always just want to be with you. I don't ever want to take that away from them". I really don't want to have the kids in the middle of this but the reality is that they are. And my response to W was "I appreciate that you don't want to take the kids away from me but reality is you have. Best case scenario you have taken the kids away from their dad 50% of the time". She really expects life to go on as normal just without our marriage. I am really doubling down on the tough love with her, I have made it very clear that I don't want this but accept her decision. I have suggested again this morning that she find somewhere to live. She asked why she should be the one to leave and I simply said because that is what you expressed you want. It's time for her to make the tough decisions and back up what she has said about wanting out.
Quick update: A while ago I mentioned that I was looking into counseling for D9, I mentioned to W that the stomach problems and crazy emotional swings were a direct result of the situation at home and not one of the 10 explanations W had tried to pin them on. A few days later I received an email from W that she was looking into finding someone for us to take D9 to. At least for once W was doing something positive for a change. So tomorrow is the beginning of the process and W and myself are meeting with the psychologist. I don't think W realized that we have to meet with them alone first and I'm not sure how it will go. I'm trying not to mind read but given recent events and W's complete lack of any plan I am thinking she is expecting a quick "this is what you say with D9 and the problem will go away". I discussed this a bit with my IC last week and she said given W's lack of a plan and lack of reality that the child psychologist is likely to say they can't help.
Well, Just got home from the session with the child psychologist. W went in with a note book full of questions about the kids and that was all she wanted to focus on. Again my assumption is she wanted a quick and easy answer. "Thell the kids this and everything will be fine". The psychologist had other plans, much along the lines of what I was expecting and asked very specific questions about the sitch. I was kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place because I didn't really want to answer but they needed to know. It was much of the same from W, she doesn't want to be with me was her standard answer. Still not really any details as to why. I answered the questions honestly, re affirmed many times that I don't want a divorce but accept her decision. I basically spent the next hour answering questions and listening to W deny things. Even recent events, she was in complete denial. At one point I couldn't take it anymore and actually dug out W's email and read exactly what she wrote and she still denied it. Then we got on the topic of what the plan is. W stuck to her story, we will split everything 50/50 including the kids. He is a wonderful person and an amazing father and will always see them and I would never take them away from him. These are all great things to hear but lets look at reality. Best case 50 percent of the time they are being taken away from me. Realistically with now facing rent in a market with almost 0% rental vacancy and huge rent costs plus child support 3/4 of my pay check is gone. I pretty much have to move out to the distant suburbs. The kids go to private school on the bus, they need to be picked up at a consistent location and now I don't live close. Now I am basically down to a Friday night to Sunday afternoon dad. Guess what that increases child support payments. W just kept dismissing it all and saying that won't happen. She is just completely out of touch with what divorced life with three kids where we live will actually look like. Not much I can do about that, I fully accept my new reality and as bleak as that looks will make the most of it. I always find a way to press on despite what I face and this will be no different. Tough morning but the day goes on. Tonight I get the kids and will have them to keep me busy.
Still have a ways to go but the latest round of lies, manipulation and essentially a form of kid napping certainly are making the detaching process easier. I'm struggling these days to find anything in the person in front of me that I currently find attractive. I am also realizing that civil co parenting is likely not going to be an option based on some recent events. I really hope that turns around in the near future but for now it looks like we will not be able to work through kids activities jointly. Also not looking forward to the end of this week as the in laws are coming back next Tuesday and W plans on returning home this weekend but there isn't much I can do about it except put a smile on my face and continue with GAL and detaching.
Things seem to be ramping up significantly from W lately and this morning is no different. W tried calling this morning and I didn't answer (was busy making meatballs for a Christmas potluck at work). A few minutes ago I received an email, " I need to know what the child sharing schedule will look like in an hour, work is doing the winter/spring signing". I have yet to respond by my answer will be that I need time to review and think things over and will get back to her.
There are 5 people involved here, still no plan in place regarding living arrangements, nothing re3solved with financial arrangements. I have work obligations, the kids all have their activities, how does someone expect to finalize a schedule with an hours notice. Up until this email there has been no talk of the schedule past Dec 17th.
Wow, she gave you a whole hour? Why are you not jumping at the chance to meet her deadline? I tell you, sometimes it's just mind-boggling what comes out of their mouths (or appears on your phone in a texting window). Good job in not rushing out a reply. Just ignore it and let her stew. Reply back in a couple hours that you'll think about it and get back with her. Your life doesn't revolve around her demands anymore, time to let her see that.
