burned right through another thread

[FlySolo]

If she were 100% coming back I could spend my time doing the things I used to do, which I enjoyed tremendously. If she were 0% coming back I could spend time finding someone to replace her, someone to build a life with, someone who appreciates the essentially decent and likable person I used to be.

B - Don't do things because your W is coming back or because she's not. Just do them. Your happiness does not depend on another person - be it your wife or her 'replacement'. Your happiness depends on you. Do the things you enjoy because you enjoy them. Read a book in the park (if weather permits) or (if weather doesn't permit) find a nice cozy pub and read your book there over a pint. Go out and meet new people - not with the idea that they could replace your wife, but just for the sheer joy of getting to know new people. One day at a time. Live in the present. The happiness will come.

I'm frustrated at myself. I'm sorry. I can't seem to get unstuck. But none of that stuckness has much to do with her. The only difference now is that I have no one to hide behind.

Don't apologize. Just do it. No matter how hard it is, get your sorry @rse out of the chair, step away from the computer and go out and get some ice-cream (or a fish fingers and a sprite).

[Ready2Change]

I could spend my time doing the things I used to do, which I enjoyed tremendously.

Didn't she leave you when you were doing this?

[JB42]

Haha! Just accidentally sent a text to W that was meant for someone else. I was hoping to not have to interact with her unless absolutely necessary. I guess now it's up to her to wonder why I'm leading a discussion group on Friday.

Make sure you don't do this in the future. It looks an awful lot like pursuit and trying to incite a reaction (either positive or negative). Even if it was an honest mistake, I doubt she'll see it that way. I've taken to proofreading my texts before I send them - a pain in the neck, but I don't run into these issues (I found that accidents like this never end well for me). More reason to go to that Codependency group you're talking about.

If you are struggling to find stuff to GAL and you have some extra spending money, get Audible, download some self-improvement books and go for long walks. I bundle up and take my dogs for super long walks (doubles as good exercise, too). If money is an issue, listen to self-improvement podcasts or TED-Talks. There are a ton of free ones available. Focus your learning on being more independent, masculine, mindful, and improving your leadership. Pro-tip, learning is not enough, implement and take action with what you learn (this is one of my personal 180's - I'm a big learner, but terrible implementer).

Some books I've found really helpful for me, personally:
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck - Mark Manson
No More Mr Nice Guy - Dr. Robert Glover (plenty of podcasts with this guy, highly recommended)
Meditations - Marcus Aurilius
How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie
Leading with Honor - Lee Ellis

Some podcasts that are helping me:
Good Life Project
The School of Greatness
The Art of Charm
Order of Man
Terrible, Thanks for Asking (only listen to this one if you're okay with crying)

I struggle with codependency, too. It's hard to let go of those expectations after you've been so connected to someone for so long, so I get it. You have to let go of your expectations of her before you can really start to make progress.

[burned]

Make sure you don't do this in the future. It looks an awful lot like pursuit and trying to incite a reaction (either positive or negative). Even if it was an honest mistake, I doubt she'll see it that way.

Yeah, that was exactly the first thought that went through my head. So I had to laugh it off. Nothing I can do now.

---

As for the rest of the posts ^^^^^, thank you all. I needed to be knocked around a little. I didn't respond because I didn't have anything nice to say. Messages received.

I finally got fed up enough with myself that I got off my butt. Threw 1000 punches with the athletic trainer who comes to our work T/Th (jabs, straights, uppercuts, and my deadly hooks) and did a whole bunch of upper body weightlifting. First time I've done any boxing or lifting in probably a year. I get MUCH less winded after losing 40 lbs. Yeah, apparently I'm still on the road to D, so maybe I'll do it again on Thursday and see if that helps. :P

CoDA meeting is at 6. Not expecting much from that, but at least it's something to do. Then a trip across the street for a bacon burger and a beer. When I get home, if I'm not too tired, I might try learning a new song on the guitar. People at work tell me they were impressed with my skills at the party on Friday, so that is encouraging.

Tomorrow's GAL is pub trivia. Thursday night I might hang out with a coworker's husband who wants to play some guitar with me. Friday is board game night, along with the above-mentioned discussion group. Then maybe I'll spend the weekend with the parents to do some work on the farm.

Days like this I wish I didn't have to think about W at all. I almost feel like I'd be happier if she just never texted me again, about anything. Take the money. Take the house. Burn it, I don't care. Fluffy likes warm spaces, anyway. Just please get the F out of my head and let me live my life in peace.

[Wanted1]

Burn it, I don't care. Fluffy likes warm spaces, anyway. Just please get the F out of my head and let me live my life in peace.

I’m sorry, b, about everything. I’m right there with you, but if it makes you feel better, THIS made me chuckle out loud. I needed that today!

[MoveFrwd]

How was the meeting last night?

Days like this I wish I didn't have to think about W at all. I almost feel like I'd be happier if she just never texted me again, about anything. Take the money. Take the house. Burn it, I don't care. Fluffy likes warm spaces, anyway. Just please get the F out of my head and let me live my life in peace.

So take this attitude. When she texts you about ANYTHING, why does it have to "get" to you? Pretend like shes just some annoying business colleague annoying you about work. Just roll your eyes and respond when you get a chance.

[burned]

Burn it, I don't care. Fluffy likes warm spaces, anyway. Just please get the F out of my head and let me live my life in peace.

I’m sorry, b, about everything. I’m right there with you, but if it makes you feel better, THIS made me chuckle out loud. I needed that today!

I aim to please. I was trying to make myself chuckle, too.

How was the meeting last night?

It was useful. It felt reassuring, although kind of overwhelming at times, like when you get a list of criteria of things codependent people do, and I see myself in all of them. So I think it is the right place to go and will be beneficial in the long run. A couple of times I thought, W does all of this stuff, too! And in a sense she "recovered" more quickly than I did and got out fast. Then I caught myself thinking that, and said, BS, she's not the one going to meetings, reading books, putting in the effort. I am.

Afterwards instead of a burger I had a buffalo chicken salad.

Days like this I wish I didn't have to think about W at all. I almost feel like I'd be happier if she just never texted me again, about anything. Take the money. Take the house. Burn it, I don't care. Fluffy likes warm spaces, anyway. Just please get the F out of my head and let me live my life in peace.

So take this attitude. When she texts you about ANYTHING, why does it have to "get" to you? Pretend like shes just some annoying business colleague annoying you about work. Just roll your eyes and respond when you get a chance.

Getting there. I already sigh and roll my eyes and think, "Ugh, now what." But then it's always something she KNOWS will get me. Or maybe I'm projecting. Like I said. The house and the cats. Trying to keep me attached, for some perverse reason.

Overall yesterday was a good day despite a rough start. I just had to get to a point where I said to myself, "Shut up, brain." Exercise and having some structured time after work made a difference, duh. None of this is news to anybody here. This morning I woke up sort of nonchalant, not necessarily good or bad, annoyed that things are the way they are, but not hopeless about my ability to handle adult life. I got a bit nostalgic about W and all of her many skills (musical, artistic, etc.) and then I said, well, that's that, and I got in the shower and went to work. Nothing I can do except look after myself. I still hate it, but at least for now I'm able to set that aside. Then I saw on my phone that I'm going to trivia tonight, so that cheered me up. Looking forward to it.

[burned]

I don't want it to seem like I've been ruminating all day because for once I haven't. I want to improve MYSELF, for ME. Tired of being an entitled little jackass. So I have a couple of questions, hoping that someone can offer some wisdom.

1. How do people cope with regrets? (I did some pretty awful things after BD...)

2. And then supposing I can forgive myself, the next question is: is the WW usually able to forgive the LBS for some of his mistakes? I mean, supposing she is interested...

---

GAL tonight is trivia. I'm apprehensive about going there because it's a small place where a lot of the local people go, and W and I used to go there every week for like a year (back 3-4 years ago). So I'm thinking I might have to run into people who knew us. Oh well, I'll have fun anyway. Me time.

[Twofeet]

Hey Burn,

You can hope for her to forgive you, but you can't make her. If you are sorry for your mistakes then that is all you can do and you should try to find comfort in that.

Thanks for your kind words Burn. Here for you bud.

[Ready2Change]

1. How do people cope with regrets? (I did some pretty awful things after BD...)

Forgive yourself. Vow not to repeat those mistakes. If you hurt someone, apologize. Do this sincerely. If that person is your W, Apologize with your actions, now is not the time to use your words with her. Maybe in the future.