First, I love everything that's been said about "forgiving yourself" and burned, I COMPLETELY understand what you're saying when your regrets keep boiling down to what you may have done that squashed possibilities of recon. I still do that too, blaming myself for things that I know may not have been the best action. But to Yail's point, I always recount what those actions were a REaction to...and keeping ownership of my parts but also making sure not to own my H's!!
At the end of the day, we may have done things wrong, but I would guess that in most cases they were not things that warranted our spouses to do what they've done the ways that they've done them.
Also, the parts about "respecting their wishes" as the ultimate "I'm sorry" is something I'm truly feeling today. I just basically wrote a long journal entry on my thread because today is my anniversary...and I thought about sending an e-mail to H just to let him know it still means something to me and blah blah blah chase chase chase, but it wasn't that difficult for me to refrain because I literally thought that thought - that this is what HE wants. If he wanted me, and was able to put in the work to be with me given what he has done, he would do it. If anything, I got satisfaction from the fact that maybe my H expected to hear from me, and then voila - look at that - the TJT that begged him not to go let our anniversary go by without a peep. It's a bittersweet "milestone" but it is what it is and at least I didn't lose any more dignity.
Third, that yucky feeling in the morning still gets me too. I'm actually glad to hear I'm not alone in that because it really is the worst and I thought I was the only one. But it seems "normal" apparently. I agree that just getting going has been the best remedy for me too. And in order to do that sometimes you need to make sure to plan ahead so you know what you need/are going to do right away in the morning. Something I read about grief somewhere else was to make sure you PLAN everything in your days. Plan your meals, your activities, etc. Write it all down. Be prepared.
Fourth, just want to acknowledge the "box of doom" comment. I so related to that characterization of the box haha. I also had to go through a lot of boxes from when we moved IN to our new house from our apartment that never got unpacked... so I had to look at every little thing to remember what was in it all. Glad I got that over with; I quarantined everything I could find into the closet of an unused bedroom that I will never need to go in pretty much ever.
Okay, now I need to make sure I read a few other things right in your post: - You have plants - You cleaned the litter box, which also means you have a cat - You keep a journal, a super trendy bullet journal at that - You like to box - You have a broken ankle and still box?!
Let me just validate that yes, given the above I think you're definitely awesome!! I also have cats (and my H NEVER helped clean the litter box so you get double points for that one in my book)... and one plant that I'm proud I've kept alive (the landscaping is another story).. and I ALSO like to kickbox (for fitness) although I have a bicep tendon issue that has prevented me from doing much of it, but I've been thinking more and more lately I'm going to suck it up because I'd rather do the workout!! Looking into a cool sliding track I could mount to a beam in my garage to hang a bag on!
Anyway it's like you said, we are awesome. And you ARE going to be ok, I believe that! You are building great momentum and even though you may continue to experience waves, focus on these positive moments. I am proud of you for the progression you're making!
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
Thanks TJT. That cheered me up a bit. Although having plants and a bullet journal doesn't mean I'm good at relationships. I had all of those things (and more) when I was with W and, as you can see, they aren't what really mattered.
Met with IC today. I think he and I are both in agreement that I'm not going to get un-stuck until something happens in the legal domain. (I generally keep the DB stuff to myself, obviously, he doesn't really get it.)
A couple hours later W texts to tell me that she found a realtor and needs to make some repairs. She isn't bluffing about selling the house. The part I don't get is why she wants to just sort of "handle" things without filing. I don't know what her angle is. But I'm not going to let her just half-@ss this. I was always the one who was good at handling legal/financial stuff so it's my turn to take the lead. I don't like what it means about our relationship, but I do like feeling in control of things that I'm good at and she's bad at. I wonder if she might be a bit relieved to see me step in and run the show. Anyway it's what she wants, so maybe she'll feel better when she gets it.
Called L to schedule a meeting on Tuesday morning. I will likely file for D. I think I need some kind of legal protection. At any rate, it sort of feels like a relief to know that I can pay someone else to deal with W's garbage. I just need a break from this. What's funny is that I've built up enough strength just in the past week or two to feel much better about this decision. Having had a better week at work didn't hurt, since now I feel like I have at least SOME control over SOMETHING in my life, plus some moral support (because when I get along with these folks, they really are like a family to me).
A psychiatrist I work with, who knows both of us, seems pretty convinced (though obviously biased) of two things: a) I am a reasonably decent person, and not a terrible H, and b) W had some narcissistic tendencies that are becoming more and more clear to me over time. Sure, narcissism is a trendy diagnosis right now. But I'm starting to see patterns in our relationship that make it pretty obvious that she had certain needs or demands or whatever that I was never able to satisfy despite my efforts. So, let her make the next guy miserable, I'll probably find someone who isn't semi-insane. Whether she isn't the W she used to be or just wasn't ever the W I thought she was, the present situation is untenable. In the end I think I'll be OK.
I know I'm one of the DB basket cases that arrived DOA, and I'm sorry I wasn't able to do a better job. I regret not REALLY DBing sooner, although I doubt that would have made much of a difference. This WW went super rogue.
If I have any other options at this point, I'm open to suggestions. What I really could use, most of all, is just some kind words. This isn't how I thought things would turn out.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I know I'm one of the DB basket cases that arrived DOA, and I'm sorry I wasn't able to do a better job. I regret not REALLY DBing sooner, although I doubt that would have made much of a difference.
I'm going to go ahead and say that everyone gets there in their own time and in their own way. We're all just giving advice based on what's shared here, right? So who knows what goes on behind any of our closed doors. I think some are more honest than others, and you have always seemed to be incredibly open and honest about your journey. Who are any of us to judge on what is "good" or "bad" progress? I personally think that sometimes it may take longer to "get there" but once you get there....it sticks. Just a different path than a wishy-washy back and forth.
Originally Posted by burned
Called L to schedule a meeting on Tuesday morning. I will likely file for D. I think I need some kind of legal protection. At any rate, it sort of feels like a relief to know that I can pay someone else to deal with W's garbage. I just need a break from this. What's funny is that I've built up enough strength just in the past week or two to feel much better about this decision. Having had a better week at work didn't hurt, since now I feel like I have at least SOME control over SOMETHING in my life, plus some moral support (because when I get along with these folks, they really are like a family to me)
I just wish to point out that this whole paragraph is filled with "I" statements. This is all about what your thought process is for YOU. Whether you change your mind or stand with this...as long as it's filled with "I THINK" it's golden.
Thanks. I've been starting to just wrap everything up now. I'm sending her the documents I have on my computer (medical records for the past 10 years, stuff like that). Starting to just put everything related to her in boxes. Getting rid of gifts she gave me. Just trying to remove as much of her as possible so that it doesn't sting as much.
Reflecting on the way this all played out. 6 months of A. I blew it up. 2 months of "it's going to be OK." She went back to him and asked for S. Then 3 months of S before the "real" BD, then another 3 months of S after I went dark, now it has been 8 months since I discovered the A that began more than a year ago and, for all I know, is still on. The sitch has continued to get worse throughout the process. Just about nothing I've done has made it better. If anything I've continued to make it worse and worse. Now we're entering the final phase. I just didn't have what it takes.
I'm looking forward to being free, but that's cold comfort. One moment I'm livid that she did this to me. The next moment I can't think straight because it hurts so much. Where will she live? Who will she be with? "How's It Gonna Be, when you don't know meeeee, anymooooore" (Third Eye Blind song). That's the mood right now. Not panicky. Just sad, in a calm way. Disappointed, in her and in myself. I really don't think she's the crazy one and I'm the fool she's leaving behind. I think a better opportunity came up, she had already given everything she had, and made the reasonable choice to just move on.
It is over.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Don't beat yourself up too bad. I believe most people did the best that they could with the tools that thy had. Most behavior is learned and if you had a bad role model unfortunately that is who you learned from. The key is now to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and learn from your mistakes.
You are very young and most likely will fall in love many times down the road. Just make sure you only show back up here in the future to give advice not seek advice.
Thanks. I guess I'll be fine, I just wish this didn't have to be part of my life story. My W really has nothing in common with any of the ones who went on to ask for recon, so I'm not holding out any hope. "You never know," but sometimes you just know.
Originally Posted by LH19
Just make sure you only show back up here in the future to give advice not seek advice.
I learn from my mistakes so I have LOTS of advice to give. :P
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Not panicky. Just sad, in a calm way. Disappointed, in her and in myself. I really don't think she's the crazy one and I'm the fool she's leaving behind. I think a better opportunity came up, she had already given everything she had, and made the reasonable choice to just move on.
Burned,
These are almost my exact thoughts about my own sitch. I don't think that our W's choice to move on is reasonable - we took vows with our W's and that means something to me. I know that it's not entirely our fault, but it's crushing to think that our own inadequacies/behaviors helped pushed our W's to make the decision to do what they've done and are doing, but ultimately they made the decision to act inappropriately in the context of a MR. We just have to channel all the energy and emotions we have right now into being the best we can for ourselves. I hope that your and my W see the colossal error that they're making, but more than that I hope that each of us can heal and grow into the best versions of ourselves.
Originally Posted by burned
My W really has nothing in common with any of the ones who went on to ask for recon, so I'm not holding out any hope. "You never know," but sometimes you just know.
In the same boat - wish I wasn't, but here we are. Gotta just keep pressing forward with you.
I hope that your and my W see the colossal error that they're making, but more than that I hope that each of us can heal and grow into the best versions of ourselves.
I hope that in your case it's a colossal error. In mine it seems like she'll be fine without me. She had an idea of what she wanted, she tried to make me fit that idea, it didn't work, so she goes on her way. Surprised we lasted this long.
All that stuff about respect, I don't know. Maybe it'll pay off in like 5 years. I doubt it. Every time I do something she doesn't like she gets worse. She became this sort of scary monster that will stop at nothing to get her way. Even detachment made her angry and pushed her closer to D. She is ONLY happy when I do what SHE wants, whatever that may be. And throughout the M it has never been clear what that was supposed to be, because she never expressed it well. There I go, rewriting history.
At this point it's just defensive maneuvers. She's dead-set on burning this to the ground. I'm just going to step off to the side and build myself a little fort where I can watch safely and not get hurt.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I hope that your and my W see the colossal error that they're making, but more than that I hope that each of us can heal and grow into the best versions of ourselves.
I hope that in your case it's a colossal error. In mine it seems like she'll be fine without me. She had an idea of what she wanted, she tried to make me fit that idea, it didn't work, so she goes on her way. Surprised we lasted this long.
All that stuff about respect, I don't know. Maybe it'll pay off in like 5 years. I doubt it. Every time I do something she doesn't like she gets worse. She became this sort of scary monster that will stop at nothing to get her way. Even detachment made her angry and pushed her closer to D. She is ONLY happy when I do what SHE wants, whatever that may be. And throughout the M it has never been clear what that was supposed to be, because she never expressed it well. There I go, rewriting history.
At this point it's just defensive maneuvers. She's dead-set on burning this to the ground. I'm just going to step off to the side and build myself a little fort where I can watch safely and not get hurt.
My W is acting the exact same way - I detach, more reason to leave; I let her cake eat, more reason to not respect me. Your sentiment that she seems fine without you, or that she tried to make you fit a certain mold, heck, even the part where she never expressed what she really wanted ALL resonate with me. But I know, at least in my sitch, that there were many moments of happiness for both of us, that we had something worth the struggle that I'm going through now.
Maybe your W isn't feeling the full repercussions of her decision now, but one day she will. She may never tell you or show you - that's a hard truth that we all have to swallow here. Do your best, build the best darn Burned fort(ress of awesome) that you can. Build it for your own safety, but be sure to leave room to expand it into a platform that elevates you in the future.
