It blows my mind but 4 years later you are still plan b.
ItHurts,
I don't have any qualms about anything you've said or done. You're doing just fine in my book.
LH has a point and I'm sure you agree. The weird part of all of this is that you were the one offering a potential relationship again before she showed real interest. Oh, she toyed with interest, but it was inconsistent and not backed with any actions or follow through. Again, no issues, but now you know.
My point is not only wouldn't I have the same 'not just friends' speech, I would personally take the relationship off the table completely. I would say something like "You walked out on me once before. I thought maybe you'd learned from that experience but what you've shown me is that you still are unable to commit. You know I'm not interested in maintaining a friendship, but I'm equally disinterested in investing time and energy into a relationship with a commitment-phobe." Not interested.
Love or no love she isn't capable of being the partner you are looking for. Maybe she'll change some day but I absolutely celebrate your decision not to short change yourself by holding on and hoping that day comes anytime soon, because it probably won't. No problem with you kicking her to the curb. Good riddance. It stinks she even got a little rise out of you but you dodged a bullet that you didn't get sucked in much more than this.
Last edited by Zues126; 11/06/1809:23 PM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I agree and disagree with some of the advice you're getting. That is because I've been following all of your threads and I keep getting the sense that she just doesn't know yet. Still, and yes, it's getting tiresome for you, no doubt! I think anyone would run out of patience by now. However, I don't think she is playing games or stringing you along intentionally. Why would she do that? She just isn't sure and there's too much at stake here if she feels there is one shot and she blows it and things don't work out. So she gets scared and pulls back. I do agree with taking a hard line approach tho. How about doing that more with actions than with words? So sure, take the friendship off the table for now and date the other hot lady. Don't hang out with her and only minimally reply to her texts, calls, or when she shows up. I just don't see a reason to give ultimatums or explain yourself anymore. That won't have any benefit now and she most likely knows it already.
Just my 2 cents,
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I have been reading your sit and can relate to some of the points you make as well as your feelings. I also agree on some of the points from other posts here.
However ...
If we look at the global picture and step back for a minute I can see why your W is hesitant with regards to you.
I get the feeling you have not really worked on yourself and you are not ready for another relationship with someone else unless all you want is a "ggod time". Detaching and moving on are easily confused and often done while still looking at the rear view mirror.
A relationship unfortunately turns us into emotional junkies. You need to detox before entering a new relationship, get rid of your faults (no one is perfect) and erase your old relationship from your mind. Something you should have done at the very beginning as once you end up here, the goal is not to repair but replace your old R with a new one. Life as you knew it has gone. Hello new start.
Some of your comments seem laden with anger and based on revenge. The words "if she does xxxx i'll do yyy" imho do not reflect someone who has truly accepted their situation and searched for their 2.0 version, detached, moved on, got a life, etc.
Your W may be taking so long to decide for many reasons but you do not seem to be a priority in her life at the moment. I do not understand women as much as I would like but I learnt a lot from Sandi and one thing always stuck. When you are a woman's priority and she wants you , you'll know.
4 years in my opinion is too long for anything unless the scars are deep and time is in fact healing. Even so, no matter how long the journey if you take a look back the changes show. Sometimes you need to adjust your focus and expectations to a realistic zoom level to see the real changes and build on that. If the scenery is the same you are going in circles and those 4 years maybe be doing more damage than walking away.
Messages that rang out true during my problems were respect for a man as the building block and feeling the loss. I do not see she has that kind of respect for you (as she would have for THE partner) and I also dont see her missing anything.
When I first read that problems take years to heal I could not believe it. Unfortunately it is true and years of doing the wrong thing while trying to fix do not count, may extend the time or even wear down what is left until you give up.
Well others have said what I was going to so I will pluck out the points I was going to hit:
Originally Posted by Zues126
My point is not only wouldn't I have the same 'not just friends' speech, I would personally take the relationship off the table completely.
YES
Originally Posted by BluWave
However, I don't think she is playing games or stringing you along intentionally. Why would she do that? She just isn't sure and there's too much at stake here if she feels there is one shot and she blows it and things don't work out. So she gets scared and pulls back. I do agree with taking a hard line approach tho. How about doing that more with actions than with words? So sure, take the friendship off the table for now and date the other hot lady. Don't hang out with her and only minimally reply to her texts, calls, or when she shows up. I just don't see a reason to give ultimatums or explain yourself anymore. That won't have any benefit now and she most likely knows it already.
YES!!!!!
Originally Posted by Maximus
Some of your comments seem laden with anger and based on revenge. The words "if she does xxxx i'll do yyy" imho do not reflect someone who has truly accepted their situation and searched for their 2.0 version, detached, moved on, got a life, etc.
This too. I think the "Yup, I agree...when and if she ever contacts me again she's getting three-word replies designed to get her to ask me what's wrong" comment in particular seems to show there's some anger there. And that's a very passive-aggressive approach to take anyway. She knows where you stand and she's not on board so if she reaches out just be polite and to the point- "I am looking for a serious relationship and you are not, so I feel it would be best if we ended our contact with each other."
Like Blu said, let your actions reflect your attitude, no more talking. There is really nothing you can say that you haven't already said and that she doesn't already know. I think the bottom line is she doesn't know what she wants and you are done waiting. So don't wait. Put her in the rearview mirror. If she does anymore of this half-assed pursuit then don't respond to it. She knows what it will take to get you back again, and if she's ever on board then she will make sure you know it.
Hi Oneless, Nope never heard from her again since that strange last text a month ago. That ship has sailed methinks. If she wanted to be with me she would be. She wanted just a friendship obviously and that didn't work for me. So I think that's the end of the WAW story here. I don't expect to ever R with her nor hear from her again. Still, I'm glad my WAW story from it's start back in April 2014 to its finish a month ago is documented here for future members. Thank you all for your advice and insight here. I wish my best to you all and I'll never, ever forget you guys!
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Well a strange update of sorts that kind of puts me in a quandary. I woke up this morning and noticed a missed call from WAW. No voicemail was left so I assumed it couldn't be that important. Then later on tonight a mutual friend told me that WAW's family's pet bird died. The bird was very old...I believe as old as 30. They had this bird even years before WAW and I even met in 1996. So obviously I'm assuming now her call this morning was about the bird's death. My first instinct was to send WAW a brief text telling her I heard of the death and I send my condolences. I feel like that's the right thing to do here. I won't mention the call or even send more than a sentence. Another part of me says to do nothing. That just seems mean. Thoughts?
Last edited by ItHurts; 12/13/1806:08 AM.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
I'm not the kid of guy that send condolences when a bird dies and certainly not to a person that just dissaapeared from my life without any explanation or even goodbyes. But we are all different, so if you truly feel it is the right thing to do, then you should do it.
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
