Okay basically the VM was the same as the text...thanking me for getting back to her, rehashing what she ended up doing and how our vet is putting the bird on ice until her parents come back. She wished me well, told me to be safe if I'm traveling in the snow... blah blah blah. So I'll probably just reply to her text with what LH suggested and end it at that.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Haha well I think we've all seen "how long she can go without talking to me" many, many times the last year ovrrnbw. She always says finds some way or some reason to contact me no matter how many "outs" I have given her. I never contact her, or initiate anything...it's always, always her. In this case yet again I left her alone after her disappearing act and sure enough...she comes around again for really no legit reason. There was absolutely no reason to contact me over this. But she keeps coming...why is that?
In any event I did respond to her text she sent earlier with just "No prob take care" and that was it. Not bothering to call her back as the VM was essentially the same words as the text she sent 15 minutes before and I suspect was just an excuse to try and talk to me on the phone.
Last edited by ItHurts; 12/13/1811:20 PM.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
IH I think at this point she wants you in her life. She just doesn't want you to be part of her life. See the difference? I have a long time ex-GF that still occasionally will contact me (W knows this). She in no way wants anything more from me or of me, she just wants to keep the connection alive. I think your X is in the same place with you at this point. I could be wrong. Have been before (a lot), but it has that same vibe to it that I have with my exGF.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Could be Steve but the good thing here is that it doesn't matter in terms of my own life. I could try and mind read her all day long. I'm at a point where until she comes at me aggressively with the specific intention of us trying again...I'm just not interested in dealing with her. She can just go do her thing and I'll do mine. I'm at peace because I said what I needed to say to her two months ago, she knows where I stand, and that's that. I think she was expecting me to chat her up yesterday as she kept thanking me for getting in touch and apologizing for not getting in touch with me. I just ignored all that and simply replied "No prob take care." I'm not playing her game because I was bored stiff playing it before and I'd still be bored with her now. So she can gallop into the sunset again. I really wasn't expecting to hear from her again after she went dark a couple months back so maybe this time she got my message loud and clear and will stay away. We shall see my friend.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Not saying this is the right approach, but one thing I thought of was "how would you handle this if it was an ex gf that you really couldn't stand and didn't want anything to do with?"
Granted if she called and was crying about the bird you might call her and say "sorry to hear", but it would be with a 'I can't believe she's going to use a dead animal to try to rope me back in' tone in the back of my mind. Then you'd try to make sure any time she pinged you that you stayed totally dark so she'd get the message. Even to the point of being a bit rude. It's not rude of you, it's rude of her to not take a bloody hint!
I think you're doing mostly the same thing, but next time she reaches out you might have to be a little more curt, like not responding at all. I agree this might not have been the right time or situation to stonewall her, but thinking of her as a crazy stalker ex you want out of your life is probably a good compass to use.
Thoughts?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Delete her phone number or get a new one yourself? What's the point of all this stuff from her? She might hate that she doesn't have you on call anymore, but why should she? You want more, she doesn't know. This may be a weird suggestion or out of character, but I have a buddy who lives his life likes this. He's got enough women in his life that he doesn't play, he doesn't know who is calling or texting after he deletes the number, and the women hate that he does this but it makes them chase harder for him.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Well I'd have to give it some thought to take it so far as to just outright ignore her. That, to me would make me feel like I'm pouting over her. A simple 3 or 4-word reply from now on will suffice. This way I don't look like I'm "mad" and "ignoring" her... instead a blurb reply would show class yet send the message that I'm not your buddy ol' pal...I'm an acquaintance with whom you happened to spend a large chunk of your life with. I equate it to a wrong number caller. If someone calls your house and it's a wrong number...and you just slam the phone down, that caller is going to see that you are mad and they got an emotional rise out of you. Instead you say "sorry, wrong number" and hang up. You don't want to chitchat and and break bread with the caller, your just showing them human respect. The latter is the way that appeals to me more...it just seems the stronger approach. "Ignoring" her, which is essentially what I'd be doing by replying, seems juvenile...like in "mad" at her. I'd prefer to not give her that pleasure. Instead I want to show her I am fully capable of communicating with her but at the same time project my lack of desire to engage her. That better relays how I really feel...I'm not emotionally vested where I feel like I need to ignore her but I also will not enage her. Eventually she'll either go away or decide she doesn't like just four-word answers and she needs more from me...except this time she knows the prices on my menu...
You want me to take you to dinner? Then your clothes better be off within 10 minutes of getting back to your place.
You want me to come help you dispose of a dead bird? Then I'd better get dinner made for me and a few really nice kisses.
You want me to go see a movie with you? Refer to the first requirement above.
That's it. I don't want to DB her again in that respect by going cold. I want to go the way that best reflects how I really feel regarding her...and that is I could care less if another year goes by before I hear from her again. I merely want her...I most definitely don't need her however. I don't care enough. At this point, in my eyes, and this may be a bit pig-headed to say...but she's an idiot for letting me go a second time. She's not getting the satisfaction of looking at her phone three days after she sent me a text and still hadn't gotten a reply from me and saying to herself...yeah he's so hung up on me that he can't bear to talk to me. SCREW THAT! I could talk to her every damned day and it doesn't ohase me. She'd get one common courtesy reply and that...is...it. I'm in control here and she's not going to have one reason to think otherwise. She could go get married tomorrow and I honestly would be fine with it. The reason for this confidence in myself? Because I will always knew the day WILL come where she will finally realize she belonged with me. I know it. So I don't care. I can reply to her and simultaneously make it clear I'm replying our of sheer courtesy and nothing more. Just like the advice that you should never beg a woman to stay with you or allow her to know the power she has over you. Except in my case she doesn't have any power over me or any bearing on my life how...and I'll be damned if I'm going to allow her to think that. I guess WAW isn't the primary focus of anything in my life...so I'm indifferent to how long she stays away and what she does with her lovelife. So I'm thinking more REAL replies from me that reflect my reality as it relates to her, however limited that is... replies sort of like this...
Examples:
WAW: "Hey how've you been? Wanted to ask you how to install an air stone in my Betta tank. You were always good with that fishtank stuff. I think the fish will like the bubbles. ME: I'm great, easier to Google it.
WAW: "Hey the fish you bought me died! Do I flush it?" ME: Condolences, that or bury it.
WAW: "Watcha up to this weekend?" ME: Work and plans
Of course that would be the only reply from me. Even if she texts back she will then get nothing. That way she can't say "oh he's ignoring me" yet I will have terminated the conversation. And this is all real because I just don't want to deal with her at any length unless she wants R. That's it...that's the extent of my interest in her...whether she likes it or not If she wants me...she will have me on my terms, not hers.
So that's where I'm at. She's now joined her parents on vacation for their last week of vacation as she was planning so I'm sure I won't hear from this week anyway. She may have already gotten the message when I replied to her lengthy text with "No prob take care." She never replied back. That's the style of communication with her that I want. Until she comes at me aggressively and direct stating specifically that she wants to talk about reconciliation...I'm not interested in engaging her.
Last edited by ItHurts; 12/16/1805:22 AM.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
