What would be the reason to engage in a "status talk"? If she were ready to change that status, she'd be doing it and you'd know already. So it's going to come off as pressure to her.
Respect her wishes to not be with you and don't do things for her like family holidays, Christmas gifts, etc.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I was not clear about my motives, maybe. I can see how me wanting to approach would be considered pursuit.
I just thought about Sandi’s question of how long can I continue to live under this strain and I assumed by those words that the time to have a talk is coming.
Looking back, it may be rhetorical (maybe not) and its yet another reminder that I need to GAL and detach.
I make myself unavailable the first three days of the week. Sometimes I stay out late and spend a night at my friends. Other times I just come home. The other three days I am at home with D4 while WW is out of the house. On Sunday we share the house, but I make myself physically unavailable. I show up late on Sunday as well. Very minimal contact with WW.
Are you saying that I should not engage (pursuit) in any kind of status talk?
What I am saying is take the focus off your wife> Focus on this:
Originally Posted by coach
"Here is what I need in my marriage___________, ___________, _____________, and________________. If you can't respect that then I have decided that I can't be married to you."
The blanks are the non-negotiable issues. "I won't share you with another man."Joint decisions on how we spend our money."
What are your TOP 4 non-negotiables?
Think about yours before you read mine:
1) I will not share you with another man. 2) I expect you to tell me truth, even if I don't want to hear it 3) I will listen to understand your point of view and expect the same respect 4) Forgiveness.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I want to have this conversation, but I feel like I cannot say that without making it sound like an ultimatum. I remember early on when I started this was to back off the ultimatum talk. I just don't know when the "right" time would be.
The times we have talked about this directly, I have told her simply "I refuse to live like this." I was vague and should have been more specific, but everytime I venture talk into that realm, the conversation goes sideways, she listens to me but does not really register the emotions behind what I am saying. She just says "THank you for sharing." and that's it. The last time we had this talk was 8 weeks ago.
I will copy and paste that with my responses and refer back to that consistently once I know the four non-negotiables.
Sandi,
We had a major fight the day before when I told her that we'll be ok and things will work out. She fired back saying the romance was over. I returned fire and told her not to come home that night and to pick up D4 the next morning to take her to school. That afternoon we agreed to see less of each other.
What I am saying is take the focus off your wife> Focus on this:
Originally Posted by coach
"Here is what I need in my marriage___________, ___________, _____________, and________________. If you can't respect that then I have decided that I can't be married to you."
The blanks are the non-negotiable issues. "I won't share you with another man."Joint decisions on how we spend our money."
What are your TOP 4 non-negotiables?
1. NC immediately with OM. You (W) will call him and put him on speaker. I will be in the room to make sure you tell him that it's over. 2. Forgiveness (This applies mostly to myself) 3. The truth. Always. 4. Be available to listen to me with any thoughts I have pertaining us and our rebuilding process. I will do the same for you. I failed to listen to you before this went down. I will not make the same mistake again.
