Had a chance to sleep on what was discussed. Faced a few truths too. Went to bed a little later than usual, at least for me. Woke just before my normal wake up. Woke up a second time at 2 minutes before I normally left for work. Done in 5 minutes. Thank you general quarters drills.
Coach wants me to call back in 7 to 10 days. Not sure if I want one over the other. Thinking I will play it toward the long game.
Before that call there is a meeting between the parties in the D. Both of us and both Ls, at my Ls office. Suggested because her office is closest to us and that makes it easier. So meeting tomorrow afternoon or next week Thursday afternoon. Haven't hard which one yet. Got a few tips/suggestions from my coach a out what to and not do. Okay coach. Turbine will follow the play book and not go with an audible. BTW, I am not a big sports fan.
Covered goals with the coach. wasn't shot down as being to big or too far to get done. Did get much needed support and a new perspective of what type of hurricane this is. MLC.
Doesn't change the fact I am riding out Hurricane Mahal in a life raft . Now seems like an upgrade to a slightly larger and more sea worthy ride. Not at aircraft carrier yet. Upgrades acquired through hard work. I want the upgrades. Ends with a yacht and sailing off into the sunset with Turbine 2.0 at the helm. Plan on W being there. However the navigator may have other plans. So God willing that will be the plan. Turbine and Mrs.Turbine sailing away in S.S. MR 2.0
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
W says her heart is dead, like a stone. Feels like a gut punch. Last time or two it was ripping my heart out. So is this an improvement? IDK. There are lots of issues she is holding on to. Real issues that have been sore points for a long time. There is no way she would consider counseling. I thing it would help both of us. Because there are two versions of history at play here. Hers and mine. Is the truth between them like is so often the case or is one of ours being fueled by faulty memory. Doesn't matter. She has set anchoring pylons deep and all I can do is follow my coaches advice and suggestions. Pray to God for help too.
Not that I get to slide through this oh no. I have lots to do on Turbine 2.0.
Went and signed up at a gym. Home workout has been making changes. I want more. If that heart is stone cold then while I leave that to God to change I will be working to make me worth changing to/for.
Expectation? Yeah, i suppose it is. Well maybe not. Here are my goals from the gym. Better overall shape for better overall health. Maybe I can get away from the cholesterol meds. Avoid some of the family medical history. Sure I would love for her to accept the changes. Right now... isn't there. I want to loose weight, get down at least 10 lbs if not 20. Drop 2 inches from my waist minimum, 4 seems a bit far away. Change my BMI to 20%. Get my physical age and body age to match or even better be reversed. Meaning I look and my body seems younger than my actual age. That would be cool. So much to do ahead of me in that project. So important in long run for my betterment.
Will I accept this? Right now it is hard to not want to throw my hands up and just give up. Reading Gordie's posts... man what a path he has walked and is walking. Right now I am about a year back from current date. Inspirational. He even accepts it though he doesn't see it. I don't feel like I have anywhere near the resolve he does at that point. Although my kids are out of the house so at times I wonder what I am holding on to. If there was an emergency and I was injured at work... right now I doubt she would even come to the hospital. That is a sobering and sad thought.
So... will my efforts and making Turbine 2.0 pay off? Sort of depends on what I am setting as my goals. Better physical and mental health? Check. Being more even tempered? Check. Returning to church? Check. Getting Mrs. Turbine back? Not my call. Desirable but its as much her call as mine. What if after all this effort I find she was right. I don't want to keep score about that... who is right, who is wrong... doesn't matter. I should have done a lot of things differently. Should she have? Sure. I would be foolish to say not at all or nothing was ever her fault. Like I said, keeping score is not important. Not only a cheese-less tunnel but a one way trap too.
Have a good weekend everyone. I know I would love to get her the angel wife necklace for her birthday. End of Feb. Too far out to think about. So I will wait and see. Might wait a very long time...
Last edited by Turbine; 12/08/1802:44 AM. Reason: spelling correction
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
So last night I was reading an email from the L. W doesn't want to meet before the holidays. Really not surprised. Both of the Ls hope we have a good holiday. Weird but... no just leave it there.
Anyway last night W wondered why I was looking at her. We were in the kitchen at the same time. Yes, I was watching her. I also was there to make and eat my supper. She was making tea.
(It bothers me that she uses the counter top microwave when we have a new over the range microwave. One she asked for because the old one no longer worked. So I had gotten it. My uncle and I installed it. He has all of the tools to do this... anyway we have had it for a year and she rarely uses it. I don't think it is a height issue. (W is about 5 ft tall) I have seen both her and her mother, who is shorter, use the old one.)
Anyway she brought up why am I fighting the divorce. She doesn't love me, heart of stone all of the sore spots. I did try to validate her , not raise my voice where I was yelling ( i did increase volume a little but as soon as I realized this I brought it back down), She asked again why am I going to church but again didn't give me a chance to explain. FYI, when I visited my parents graves the alone forever vs them together forever... I believe I talked about this before. All I know is she went to bed last night very angry and upset. Not anywhere close to how I wanted her to feel. I know I have no control over her. Was hoping at least calm. Again, I know.
So this morning, she got up, dressed and since I was going to do some laundry... I committed a huge transgression. At least in her mind. I asked her if she had any jeans that needed to be washed since I am washing mine and its just jeans. She got mad about that. She left, shut the front door a little harder than needed, at least to me. I hope she is not doing something stupid. Not sure how I would deal with that. Stupid... OM type stupid. How Gordie handled that for so long... smh... you are a man to be respected for your integrity and determination.
Are you wondering what on earth are you doing Turbine? Well my coach said to treat her like a house guest, maybe a favorite house guest, I don't remember. Just checked my notes from coaching session. Just guest. So when I was a guest with my buddy and his w in Ca while I was in the Navy, his W would throw my laundry in. Was super nice of her. especially when I had fallen asleep and woke to find it done. So I am going by that standard.
So today I am going to do the laundry. Get some gear to work out in. Hit the gym. Pick up the holiday flavors and since W seems to not be willing to even try to do something as friends... probably my own thing. I 'd like to go bowling with her, as friends. Expectation for that would be to have a good game for me. Okay... expectation would be she agrees to even go in the first place. Not a high expectation.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Pressure, pressure, pressure... You are still 100% focused on her Turbine and she knows it. You are preventing her from looking at herself because you consistently get in her way. As long as she can continue to see you as the “problem”, she will not look in the mirror. Drop the rope and let her go. You will be better for it... with or without her.
You are so right./ I have to be more honest with myself. It hurts so much to think of being without her. My parents were married 52 years. I have an inkling of how my dad felt after my Mom passed away. Still not sure I have grieved for them either. Not properly anyway.
So I got the Holiday flavors in a cooler in the car. Ought to be great to have them.
Drop the rope... feel like hang with instead. Not productive I know. So with the new membership maybe I'll pack up a bag and go start using it. Can't get the new body without putting in the effort.
L meeting before the next court date in Jan. Court is 18, so meet would be 7 or 14.
No pressure on her. Going with the coach though. I've used 1 of 6 sessions. Friendly neighbor/house guest. Seems hard to show not the monster if we aren't at home or interacting. Yet when we are home and interacting I am defeating myself even by being seen. How on earth does this make sense? If MLC as coach suspects and from what I have read... it won't and that is a cheeseless tunnel. Yeah... hit the gym. do my thing tonight. Pray and not eat a single pint of frozen custard by myself. A scoop but not the whole pint. (Peppermint Chip if you care, saving the maple bacon for myself later on a waffle)
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
I, too, have lost both my parents. They were devoted to each other. Not in a heart-fluttering, catch your breath kind of way... but they went through everything together, they raised their kids together, they supported each other in good times and in bad, they were loyal and they accepted each other as imperfect individuals. They were fantastic parents and amazing role models. I was lucky to have them both in my life for as long as I did although, of course, I wish I had had them for longer. My dad never got to meet my H or our kids. He would have been a great role model for my H and I know they would have gotten along well.
I don’t know that you are defeating yourself by being seen. That depends. I am someone who wears her heart on her sleeve and I do not have a good poker face. So...in that respect, I think that is probably true for me. I am detaching though so I think it will be less and less true as time goes on. My H, I have discovered, hides his true self from everyone he knows... he is a master. So, he looks like he is doing great. The mounting liquor store charges on our Visa, however, make me wonder. Of course, it may also be an indicator that he is sharing drinks with another person or people. Would not surprise me. I have come to realize that marriage vows mean nothing to him so, in his mind, he is justified in whatever he does. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
I know where you are at Turbine. You feel that if you drop the rope, you are giving up on your MR. I think you really need to understand that you are currently hanging on to something that no longer exists. Your MR is over. There may be an R with your W in the future but not now, not when she feels the way that she does. Love yourself first. Work on you. Spend time with your kids. Do some things that make you happy. Be AMOAFWL and LET HER GO. It is the only way through this. (((Turbine)))
Okay DejaVu6, if we ever get to play poker face to face how about after a spaghetti dinner, loser of the poker game does dishes... Bad poker face too. Heart on my sleeve, face, etc. Plainly visible.
Yes. Terrified about dropping the rope. Feels like I am digging through the rubble of the MR. Sort of like a PTSD thing. So have to work on that. Yes, I "know" I have to "understand" MR 1.0 is not there. The part of me that feels is fighting to hold on. That wrestling match is pretty tough. Like my logical side has both hands tied behind him and emotions has multiple arms. So clear away the old MR to the foundation. NO... past the foundation. Dig a new one, pour new and continue from there. New material, up to code, all that. No idea what the final build will look like. So I guess right now I have to wait for building permits. No idea when those will come through... (sad...)
Stubbed my toe yesterday so bad I almost ripped the nail out. Today all black and blue. Pain is far less and the swelling is down. Went to the gym yesterday for a hour on the bike. Good cardio session.
W had a patient care last night. When she was leaving I said bye, like a friend tone. I hope she perceived it that way because that is how I meant it. Well as best I can. She actually said bye in return. What I am taking away from that is she answered. Not good, not bad, just answered. Okay, glad she answered. Glad her answer wasn't snapped at me or angry. Civil.
Sunday. Church in the morning. Dropped some frozen custard off with my SiL for her and my niece. Peppermint chip. Good stuff. Maybe not for the diet but moderation will do me well there. I can have a lot of self control with the flavors I have.
This afternoon is the normal Sunday activity with my son and game group. Oldest grandson joined us! First session with us. Going to be interesting.
May hit the gym later. If not today then definitely tomorrow... I have goals there I want to achieve. Okay... Yes... I am doing this because of her. I want to be different. W is a bonus if she notices and we get the MR 2.0 otherwise this is to reach Turbine 2.0. Because I can't remain the old Turbine. Turbine 1.0 wouldn't survive. Not attractive to me, to anyone. So on to Turbine 2.0, if I end up having to "beat women off with a stick" then it will be a new exercise... Kendo... minus the protective gear. Better?
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
At times I feel like I am the one spinning still. W is unchanged. Ignores me mostly. Expectations... I'm not invisible although I might as well be. I feel like she has a whole keyboard to push and I found her buttons with a safety cover in place and secured. Do I want to push buttons? Only if I could make her happy, smile, laugh... something that would be a positive. A happy reaction. So right now I have to work on being calm. Not puling my hair out.
Detached? Not at all. If anything I feel like I am clinging tighter than ever. Bad Turbine. Can't grow that way. Can't make the changes needed to get past this and thrive. However it ends.
Scheduled next coaching session, in four days. Can a miracle happen in that time? Sure. But that would be on my time line and not His. Guess He isn't done with me yet either.
I apologize to her in my head all the time. I pray that God forgives me, she forgives me and I forgive me. The last can be the hardest to do can't it. I know that not all of this is on me. But right now I would trade with Atlas. Feels like it is all on me. I can't do more than be me. A better me. Better by my standards or hers. TBH if I try to live up to her standards then it feels like more of the same. So what are my standards for me...? Guess if I hit the bike at the gym I will have something to occupy my mind while I ponder that.
It was asked on one of Gordies threads what he expects the R to be. The "running through the field of flowers into each others arms" or something else. Haven't read the answer in his thread. I need to answer it for me. What would it look like to me. Dropped the D. Moved back into the MBR and the bed. That touches on the physical side. More contact and sharing. Less criticism from both of us toward the other. More support. Acceptance and forgiveness. Starting to babble now.
More later...
Thanks
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
So today I am going to do the laundry. Get some gear to work out in. Hit the gym. Pick up the holiday flavors and since W seems to not be willing to even try to do something as friends... probably my own thing. I 'd like to go bowling with her, as friends. Expectation for that would be to have a good game for me. Okay... expectation would be she agrees to even go in the first place. Not a high expectation.
Why would you want to be doing something "as friends" with a woman who committed to being your romantic life partner?!?! She doesn't respect you. You are in the friend zone.
You'd be much better served by not being her friend at all.
You are NGS to the max plus you are trying to control everything. Let go of all the crap you can't control and focus on making something better. Quit worrying about whether she forgives you, she wants a divorce!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Turbine... you are on. I actually am a decent poker player...lol. Spaghetti sounds like a good prize.
Your W's comment about her heart being made of stone reminded me very much of what my H told me. He said that he feels "nothing". I don't know if that is still the case. Certainly it describes his feelings towards me. Makes sense...very hard to hold onto positive feelings for someone that you have lied to and used for four years. You need to justify your choices somehow so telling yourself that person means nothing to you is the easiest way to do it. But I digress... really working on the bitterness aspect of my personality.
I so get where you are at Turbine. You sound like me on my worst days. The good thing is that with consistent effort, my worst days have dwindled significantly in number. I still think of my H a lot but I am slowly starting to see him for who he is and not for who I thought he was. Those two people are very, very different and I'm not convinced my H could become the person I thought he was or even if that person ever even existed.
For the thousandth time... You HAVE to drop the rope. You do not have a choice. Keep a small amount of hope alive but live your life as if she is never coming back. You do not want to be still feeling this way a year from now. Work through it by moving forward. Save yourself. (((Turbine)))
