I wish I could talk some sense into this lady. I truly believe you are the man for her, on some level her heart knows this, but she can't seem to accept this and get it into the forefront of her brain. She is only hurting herself. Perhaps she hasn't done some of the deeper soul searching that we here try to do and convince one another to do. If that is the case, then you know the R has less chance of survival anyhow. That is why we keep telling newbies to let them go and they need to do the hard work first, before we consider R with them.
If we were friends, I would sit her down and give her some tough 2*4 Blu love! I wish I could. Sigh. It has taken me so many years to understand all this, and yes I am still learning, but I do know that sometimes things are right under our noses and we refuse to see them. I keep telling my BFF who is dating, "you have to see what is actually in front of you and stop focusing on what you want to see."
I do hope one day she will get it and come around. In the mean time, keep up the good work, IH, youve got this!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thanks Blu! You seem to consistently have the exact understanding of my point of view. I too have no doubt she belongs with me...or I should say I have no doubt that SHE knows this. There is some kind of struggle going on with her regarding me. This isn't just a simple matter of her bansishing me to the friend zone and her being content with that. I sensed more, the times I was with her, that that was something she wanted for now. I didn't and still don't believe for a minute that she has ruled out R. I think it's a private struggle with her and that's why she's acting as she is. But yes, call it arrogance or whatever but I know she will come to her senses one day. Will it be too late for her by then? Who knows? I can't predict my future. What I can do is just keep doing my own thing and stay happy. If she comes around in time, great we'll chat about R possibilities...but if I become involved with someone else who may well come along and knock my socks off...then so be it. As long as I'm single I'll entertain her insofar as not outright ignoring her; but contact will be VERY limited as I previously described and there most certainly will not be another planned in person meeting. Yes she may come to my work and there's nothing I can do about that but if she does my workday will immediately become twice as busy LOL. Cordial, brief correspondence and that is it. The ONLY thing that will change that is if she specifically comes out and says she wants to talk about R. Anything short of that the she's at the bottom of my totem pole...if she's even on it at all.
But yes, I do agree she knows I'm the one for her...I think she never really accomplished what she wanted in Florida...she never lived on her own off her own steam and that seems to be the schism she has regarding R...that she would have to give all that up. She once said when we were talking of R that if she got back with me she knows she'd be "all in 100%" and she wasn't sure she was ready for that. That's just how I see it...she is definitely thinking about me a lot I am certain. But all that matters to me is that I'm happy either way right now...and I am. Mind reading her is an exercise in futility. I already have an opinion on this and I'm at peace with it all. What she does now she does. Godspeed to her.
Last edited by ItHurts; 12/18/1804:46 AM.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
I agree with you IH, I think she is struggling. However, I don't agree that she hasn't tucked you into the friendzone. As I said this reminds me a lot of the dynamic between "Not That Into Me" and me. I think she struggled internally with me too. There were times she wanted to want more, but then the fear of losing my friendship, or the lure of another guy, or my hesitation to act due to not wanting to ruin things, or any other number of factors came into play. Years later she admitted she should have been with me and forgotten anyone and anything else. But she didn't.
Just like your EX, I think she always knew I was a great catch, and she always knew that longterm stability and security was assured with me, but there was some X factor that was missing.
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But yes, I do agree she knows I'm the one for her...I think she never really accomplished what she wanted in Florida...she never lived on her own off her own steam and that seems to be the schism she has regarding R...that she would have to give all that up.
If any of this is true then I would run for the hills away from her. We aren't talking about a 20 something that is still finding her way. This is a grown butt, 44 year-old woman. For crying out loud, if she doesn't know what she wants yet then SHE NEVER WILL. And if that is true then getting back together with her would be just setting yourself up for BD #2.
Also, if this is part of it: "I think she never really accomplished what she wanted in Florida." then I again would not even entertain it. Why? Because Florida was Plan A......which means all you can ever be is Plan B.
IH, i was pulling for the two of you more than anyone because I so wanted to have a recent example of a WAW that went through with D and came back after 4 years to a fairy-tale, happily ever after ending with LBH. But based on all of the recent interactions, discussions, and activity (and take this with a grain of salt because you are closer to it than I am!), I think she still is struggling with many of the same issues that made her a WAW to begin with. IOW: While you have grown immensely over the last 5 years....she has not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You could be right Steve. However the beauty of it all is I just don't care. She can do what she wants. She can figure out whatever she wants to figure out...and she can take three weeks or three years. I just don't really care as it has no bearing on my life at all. It's just right now a relationship, with any woman not just WAW, is not really a priority in my life. So if I'm right in my assumptions or if you are...it just doesn't matter to me my friend. As I said she can do whatever she wants.
Last edited by ItHurts; 12/18/1802:24 PM.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
It's just right now a relationship, with any woman not just WAW, is not really a priority in my life.
Can I ask why? Because i hope you are being honest with yourself on this. There are plenty of great, caring, and loving women out there. I hope you aren't just saying this because deep-down you are waiting for her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It's just right now a relationship, with any woman not just WAW, is not really a priority in my life.
Can I ask why? Because i hope you are being honest with yourself on this. There are plenty of great, caring, and loving women out there. I hope you aren't just saying this because deep-down you are waiting for her.
I was going to ask the same question IH. This new chapter of your sitch is more than half year long...
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Well guys the main reason is that for whatever reason it's kind of nice just worrying about me and not having to worry about someone else. Remember, I was with Mary, living with her in fact, for two 1/2 years. There were many times during that time that I wished I was single again. I work so much right now as there's a few financial goals I am working to attain and that seems to be my primary focus right now. That's not to say that some gorgeous gal couldn't knock me off my feet and change my mind; but I'm not actively searching. As far as waiting for WAW goes...I wouldn't say that exactly. Yes, as I've alluded to above; I do truly believe she will indeed one day ask about R...but I wouldn't say I'm waiting for it necessarily. Using an analogy, it's sort of like this...I like sunsets and I know they will come...but I don't spend my whole day pondering and waiting for sundown. When I get a sunset, great, I enjoy it, but when it's cloudy out it's kind of a non factor. That's really the best way to describe it. I know WAW will eventually pursue R with me...but I don't sit around waiting for it. In other words, yes, I also believe in the very real possibility that some other lady could come along and sweep me off my feet. I let my life play out as it will with no expectations of anything really.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Well guys the main reason is that for whatever reason it's kind of nice just worrying about me and not having to worry about someone else. Remember, I was with Mary, living with her in fact, for two 1/2 years. There were many times during that time that I wished I was single again. I work so much right now as there's a few financial goals I am working to attain and that seems to be my primary focus right now. That's not to say that some gorgeous gal couldn't knock me off my feet and change my mind; but I'm not actively searching. As far as waiting for WAW goes...I wouldn't say that exactly. Yes, as I've alluded to above; I do truly believe she will indeed one day ask about R...but I wouldn't say I'm waiting for it necessarily. Using an analogy, it's sort of like this...I like sunsets and I know they will come...but I don't spend my whole day pondering and waiting for sundown. When I get a sunset, great, I enjoy it, but when it's cloudy out it's kind of a non factor. That's really the best way to describe it. I know WAW will eventually pursue R with me...but I don't sit around waiting for it. In other words, yes, I also believe in the very real possibility that some other lady could come along and sweep me off my feet. I let my life play out as it will with no expectations of anything really.
Good analogy. I guess my point would be that, while they require a little more planning, sunrises have a lot to offer too!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Haha well I hate the morning Steve, I'm a night guy. I love the night. So sunrises to me are totally different LOL! But yes, that analogy is the closest to how I feel. Basically if it's meant to be it'll be. If not it won't. There's nothing I can do to persuade the outcome. My opinion on WAW is based on a sense I get from her whenever I was with her. I've said it repeatedly, there is something going on with her in her head regarding me. I can't describe it, but it's a sense I get. There is a part of her that wants to be with me again, I just know it. But she's her own person and has to make her own decisions. I'm like the train at the train station. The train doesn't leave the station until all the seats are sold. If WAW gets her ticket in time, she'll likely get a seat, if not she's not getting aboard. There's no telling when all the seats will be sold. My feeling is I'm thinking about starting the engine and driving the train, not worrying about who manages to get a ticket. Does that make sense?
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Ok IH. Admittedly I was projecting. Due to my on-again, off-again EXGF I passed up on a lot of great gals. One in particular I still kick myself for not pursuing more of a relationship with. Maybe I am romanticizing but I think my marriage to her would have been much more blissful. Who knows.
Point is that don't miss a great ride waiting for the one you think you want.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
