burned right through another thread

[burned]

How do you apologize with actions? Time and space? Like, backing off so she can see that I don’t want to hurt her.

I mean, before I found DB I apologized over and over by words and actions...pursuit. Hopefully some of that reached her. Maybe she will remember it later.

[Yail]

1. How do people cope with regrets? (I did some pretty awful things after BD...)

Forgive yourself. Vow not to repeat those mistakes. If you hurt someone, apologize. Do this sincerely. If that person is your W, Apologize with your actions, now is not the time to use your words with her. Maybe in the future.

burned, do I understand you correctly in that what you're wondering is how to go about forgiving yourself? Is that what you mean by "cope" with regrets?

I don't know if there's a standard method that therapists recommend, but something that helps me is a full acknowledgement of the emotions behind the actions. And possibly reliving that moment in your mind.

So, if that was an action you regret, think back to what you were thinking. I'm sure there's anger - a lot of people regret what they do with anger. But I think a lot of time what we all are really feeling is fear.. I think that's what makes us really act-out. Fear of losing control, fear of not knowing the person in front of you. Essentially - fear of the unknown. So name that fear. Remind yourself what that fear felt like. Bring yourself back to that moment. And work through in your mind why you behaved the way you did. It was a reaction to fear.

And then remind yourself that in that moment you didn't YET have the skillset to act in a different way. So you chose a path that you wish you hadn't. But you learned that it was not a path you want to take in the future. IF you could relive that moment, what would you do with the fear? Act that out in your head too. Become comfortable with reliving your emotions and imaging a different way of handling it.

All the while remember that we are not born perfect. We do not turn 18 and become perfect adults. We don't get married and understand how to be a spouse. It is all a learning process, and that was just 1 moment of you learning in your life. You'll have more if you're doing it right.

[JB42]

1. How do people cope with regrets? (I did some pretty awful things after BD...)

Forgive yourself. Vow not to repeat those mistakes. If you hurt someone, apologize. Do this sincerely. If that person is your W, Apologize with your actions, now is not the time to use your words with her. Maybe in the future.

Depending on the severity of what happened, I would verbally apologize, but only once. Actions speak louder than words, but sometimes the words need to be said too.

The best remedy to your regrets is to actively forgive yourself - it's a process, one that you'll likely fail on occasion.

[burned]

Thanks guys. Yeah, I did apologize plenty of times. I expressed true remorse, both privately and during MC. I just worry that maybe it didn’t reach her.

And look, there I go again! Basically all of the regret still boils down to, “Gee, I hope I didn’t kill any chance of recon.” Come on, Burn! Get it together.

OK. Actively forgive myself. Past is past. All I can do is try to be better.

[ovrrnbw]

How do you apologize with actions? Time and space? Like, backing off so she can see that I don’t want to hurt her.

I mean, before I found DB I apologized over and over by words and actions...pursuit. Hopefully some of that reached her. Maybe she will remember it later.

By respecting their wishes. If they want out of the MR, don't stand in the way.

[Vapo]

How do you apologize with actions? Time and space? Like, backing off so she can see that I don’t want to hurt her.

I mean, before I found DB I apologized over and over by words and actions...pursuit. Hopefully some of that reached her. Maybe she will remember it later.

By respecting their wishes. If they want out of the MR, don't stand in the way.

EXACTLY this!

[burned]

Success, GAL activities 2 weeknights in a row!

Trivia was fun. I almost joined another team but immediately quit when we got into a disagreement about the first question. In the end they were right.

Will do some more boxing and lifting tonight. I'll take it easy afterwards. Need to do some grocery shopping and other chores that I've been putting off in favor of late night escapades.

Still waking up with that yucky feeling. It tends to dissipate by the time I start working at work. No idea at all where I stand with W. Not much hope there, but nothing I can do about it. Just trying to keep the focus on me.

[JB42]

I get that terrible weird feeling in the morning too. It's my first week without the kids in the house, so it's been really hard to get out of bed and be productive. I've missed every morning workout this week.

[RyanHun]

Burned,
One thing that has helped me in a huge way including when waking up is shifting from a mindset of "have to" to "get to". Wake up and think of all the things you get to do. You get to go to work, be productive and socialize with co workers. Tonight you get to go boxing. Tonight you get to go grocery shopping. And guess what you don't have someone to bug you when you go pick up that tub of ice cream as a treat to yourself anymore. You get to do some chores tonight, put on some music, have a glass of wine to sip on while you work around the house and have fun with it. I know things suck but try and spin it around into a positive light.

[burned]

Yeah! And you know what helps with PMA, besides “I am fortunate that I get to...” (which is the point of the gratitude journal): physical exercise! I mean, holy heck, I’m on fire! I decided to just do it despite the broken ankle. More boxing and lifting. I am going to be fuching awesome. W is missing out. Then I created a goal tracker, then went home, busted out some chores (water the plants, clean out the litter box, do the dishes that had been sitting there for a week) and now I feel good. Rewarded myself with a beer (earlier today I ordered the brewing equipment that I needed to replace, so I’ll brew up a new batch next week). Got out an old bullet journal that I had been using last Jan-Mar and re-read some of the stupid junk I wrote back in the days when I didn’t realize W was in an A. Didn’t bug me. It’s a really nice notebook (sort of a bound journal with nice paper) so I thought, scrw her, I’m starting over with December. I’ll slice out the old pages. This is my life (like the Billy Joel song, go ahead with your own life, leave me alone)!

Also today they delivered my new compact washer/dryer, so now I get to do laundry in my own apartment like a grown up. Tomorrow I’ll go to the hardware store to get some adapters and other plumbing so I can connect it under the sink.

And on the way out the door at work earlier, my boss (who just a couple weeks ago seemed like a monster hell-bent on firing me and adding to my year of humiliation) asked me how I’m doing emotionally. I said it has been a good week. Because of GAL. It’s true, you just have to force yourself.

When I went through the “super dangerous, avoid at all costs” box of stuff from the house, I also found some photos I had printed last winter. Gonna bring those to work tomorrow and see if anyone likes them. That might result in some motivation to get back into that hobby.

Seriously, if I can get some momentum here, I think I might be OK. Won’t stop the D train, most likely, but I’m starting to care a little bit less about that. Rebuilding confidence, bit by bit...