I'm frustrated at myself. I am frustrated that I am continuing to let W cake eat and feel like I am placating her when she talks about tackling the incoming debt together, figuring out plans for the house, D4 education, and plans for when I go on dates. I strongly feel that this is ALL temp checking. All I do is acknowledge the conversation and sometimes unknowingly temp check back.
I really want to convey that it is not about W and I anymore. I want to address that and make it clear on what I am thinking and where I stand without coming across like a jerk. I want to tell her that it is messed up that we are "no longer romantic" but still somehow obligated to do the business end of the stuff like paying the bills, mortgage, coordinate D4 stuff, and so on. I am tempted to just tell to get out of the house, but I cannot express that without sounding angry. I want to continue to set boundaries but not do it from emotions. I need to go through my thread history and look at the advice I was given on enforcing those boundaries because my frustration at her WWness is mounting. I really do not want to blow it up in front of her face.
Key holidays and celebration dates are coming up and I am going to keep it as cordial as possible but I will not be acknowledging dates like our W anniversary and V-day. I am not even sure I want to acknowledge her b-day. I may have D4 pick a gift and give it to her that way. But that's the extent I am willing to go to.
I really want to convey that it is not about W and I anymore. I want to address that and make it clear on what I am thinking and where I stand without coming across like a jerk.
How can you convey it through your actions, instead of having a relationship conversation?
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I am frustrated that I am continuing to let W cake eat and feel like I am placating her when she talks about tackling the incoming debt together, figuring out plans for the house, D4 education, and plans for when I go on dates. I strongly feel that this is ALL temp checking.
What are you doing while she's talking about these things? What do you mean she plans for when you go on dates?
If you feel she is temp checking...….then how are you suppose to respond?
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Key holidays and celebration dates are coming up and I am going to keep it as cordial as possible but I will not be acknowledging dates like our W anniversary and V-day. I am not even sure I want to acknowledge her b-day.
Explain how you plan to keep key holidays/celebrations cordial.
Btw, would you put your ages, date of bomb drop, EA/PA, whether separated, etc. in your signature line? Thanks!
So, Pain...….what are your short term goals here? How long do you intend to live under this strain? What do you plan to do about all that anger you feel? It's really unhealthy, you know.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am tempted to just tell to get out of the house, but I cannot express that without sounding angry.
Pain, What are your long term plans for the house? I am also in an IHS and I have reminded W every time she reassures me that she wants out where the front door is and that she is free to live where she pleases. Guess what, she refuses to budge and she has every right to do so. So if your W does the same what are your plans for the house once D is finalized down the road? I cannot afford to buy my W out of the house, realistically she can't either unless her parents gave her the money (I suspect they will). Either way I eventually need to move. I recognize, as do you I feel, that I can't live in this toxic environment of an IHS. Everyone tells me that I should not leave the house and I get that but I am also starting to realize that I may have no choice if I am to protect my mental health. Just something to think about.
How can you convey it through your actions, instead of having a relationship conversation?
I am already doing some of the actions. I keep conversations short. I end calls first. I leave quickly when we exchange D4. In my conversations, I always make sure I talk about "we" as me and D4.
Originally Posted by sandi2
What are you doing while she's talking about these things? What do you mean she plans for when you go on dates?
I listen. I don't agree with her, nor do I disagree. I just acknowledge her statement. If she asks what I think, I respond with "I have not given it much thought. I am just thinking about tomorrow"
At BD, she told me that we should go out on dates, like she is doing. Shortly after, I tried to follow her advice because I foolishly felt that she knows what she is doing. I went on one date with someone and immediately stopped. It felt wrong. She dropped the me dating other people thing after she told we were not romantic anymore. The resulting summer was hell. She would sometimes angrily react about me trying to date from time to time. I stupidly told her a couple of months ago that I would want the house clean in case I wanted to bring a date back home (another temp check).
Originally Posted by sandi2
If you feel she is temp checking...….then how are you suppose to respond?
I don't. I just acknowledge she said it and move on from the subject.
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Explain how you plan to keep key holidays/celebrations cordial.
We have dinner, open presents, etc. as a family. I am giving her one gift for X-mas. Nothing for birthday likely. No anniversary gift. And I am not going to be around for my birthday. Nothing for V-day.
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So, Pain...….what are your short term goals here? How long do you intend to live under this strain? What do you plan to do about all that anger you feel? It's really unhealthy, you know.
I am going to continue to GAL. I still have my photo shoot planned for this weekend.
I don't know Sandi how much longer I am going to live like this. I know I am getting better at adapting to the awfulness of this sitch. And I know I don't intend on keeping this going as is. But I do know this...not pursuing R or D has allowed me to slow down and truly work on myself and make the necessary changes I had to make. I don't know what more patience will bring.
I am trying meditation, GAL, and exercising. They are helping. I am venting to my distant support system to help. And I am also pouring my guts here for you all to read.
I am really trying to get a grip on my anger. It's moved on from grief. I know the next step is bargaining, but I know that is useless. Depression next?
Pain, What are your long term plans for the house? I am also in an IHS and I have reminded W every time she reassures me that she wants out where the front door is and that she is free to live where she pleases. Guess what, she refuses to budge and she has every right to do so. So if your W does the same what are your plans for the house once D is finalized down the road? I cannot afford to buy my W out of the house, realistically she can't either unless her parents gave her the money (I suspect they will). Either way I eventually need to move. I recognize, as do you I feel, that I can't live in this toxic environment of an IHS. Everyone tells me that I should not leave the house and I get that but I am also starting to realize that I may have no choice if I am to protect my mental health. Just something to think about.
Ryan, we're no longer IHS. She is out when I am there with the exception of one day. And she is usually asleep or in her bedroom when I am done GAL.
What I do know is that I am not going to leave the house that I worked my tail off for. She wants out of this marriage, she can get out of the house. But she does not want that. She wants the best of both worlds. I just need to work on taking that option away. Or hope that some other miracle occurs.
I do recognize that I will need to make a decision soon to protect my sanity as well. But considering the circumstances and where I am not versus where I was 5 months ago, I am in a better place mentally.
And neither of us want a D...right now. Who is going to blink first? Should I preempt?
Dude don't get her anything for Christmas, she has forsaken her vows and treats you like crap. She's seeing OM right? I bet he's getting her something, why would you?
And for that matter, I'm not for having dinner or holidays as a pretend family when your W doesn't want that.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
