I did send her “happy birthday (her name)” and she replied thank you. I am going completely dark and NC and will see what happens and I’ll keep you all updated. And I will be reflecting on my mistakes and GAL...
Hey everyone, wanted to give another update on my sitch. Things took a turn for the worse.
DID THEY? DID THEY REALLY? No Lost, they didn't. She is in EXACTLY THE SAME PLACE she has been since BD. It's YOU that keeps flip flopping around all over the place and getting your hopes up when we tell you OVER AND OVER AGAIN that you're sabotaging yourself and that you need to detach, get out, GAL and leave her alone!! Sorry for the caps but you are being particularly stubborn and somehow, some way we have got to break through to you and impress upon you that YOU NEED TO START DB'ING OR YOU HAVE ZERO CHANCE OF RECON. Yes, I said START DB'ing because to date you have not done one single thing that could be considered DB'ing.
Let's look back to 10-31:
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
imlost8, it sounds like your W is learning to miss you and that is a very good sign. You've gotten some great advice here but just to reinforce what others have told you- tread carefully, have ZERO expectations, and keep your W at arm's length. Accept some invitations and decline others. When she calls or texts, sometimes reply right away, sometimes an hour or two later and sometimes not at all (if it's nothing critical). Don't be immediately available to her all the time. DO NOT break into pursuit mode, many LBS's before you have done just that when their W started showing some positive signs and it just sends the WAS running again. Let her do all the pursuit. Keep up your GAL'ing and detaching. Good luck and keep us posted!
Read the bolded part. And how about 11-26:
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by imlost8
This to me doesn’t sound like she wants to take time to work on her issues and come back. But would you say your advice still applies?
Yes the advice still applies. In fact the advice I gave you a month ago still applies, and frankly I think if you had followed it she wouldn't feel the need to push you away right now:
Quote
imlost8, it sounds like your W is learning to miss you and that is a very good sign. You've gotten some great advice here but just to reinforce what others have told you- tread carefully, have ZERO expectations, and keep your W at arm's length. Accept some invitations and decline others. When she calls or texts, sometimes reply right away, sometimes an hour or two later and sometimes not at all (if it's nothing critical). Don't be immediately available to her all the time. DO NOT break into pursuit mode, many LBS's before you have done just that when their W started showing some positive signs and it just sends the WAS running again. Let her do all the pursuit. Keep up your GAL'ing and detaching. Good luck and keep us posted!
Your W is still confused and doesn't know what she wants. It's a mistake to treat your sitch like a recon when she is still one foot (or maybe both feet) out the door. She's got to learn to miss you and she hasn't, you are far too available to her. Detach. GAL. Give her time and space.
Brother, you are not reconciling. Quit acting like you are. She is done for now, recon is way, way down the road after you both take time and space for yourselves. She only did this trip to cross off her list of "things I did to try to save the M but only proved it was already over". She is following the WAS script exactly. You are licking up the breadcrumbs like a starving dog in the street. Stop it. Leave her alone. Get out and GAL.
I did send her “happy birthday (her name)” and she replied thank you. I am going completely dark and NC and will see what happens and I’ll keep you all updated. And I will be reflecting on my mistakes and GAL...
Oh man, well what are you waiting for. You're going to start going dark right after you send her one last text. And one more. And one more. We can only place the tools in front of you. It's up to you to pick them up and use them. But let me tell you, that project ain't getting built as long as you keep leaving those tools on the ground.
AS, you are correct and I really needed to hear that. I have no trouble going dark and NC. I have no trouble not pursuing at first. But when I start to see her opening up, that’s where the issues begin.
The things she said to me this weekend really sting. It feels worse now then when she moved out. In particular she said “I’m done, I’m tired of this, and I don’t see the point in trying. I’m getting used to living on my own and the kids (my stepkids, not biological but I raised them) are also used to you not being in their lives anymore. It’s better this way for everyone. I don’t love you and I don’t feel attracted to you”. Do you all think these were said out of anger or is that the way she really feels?
I don’t know if she’ll come around again or if this time it really is different like she says. This weekend really hit me hard and opened my eyes up. I feel as though I now know exactly how I should have handled this and I know I screwed up.
You pursued and pressured. She capitulated out of being nice. She sensed you getting too comfortable and slapped you back into reality.
The trip was a terrible idea. As was all of your follow-up activities. You gave up long-term success potential for short-term wanting to feel better about things.
Look, we've all been through it. We get the near-panic attacks at being apart. You feel like if you could just see her then you could feel so much better. And temporarily that does work. But it is like Jenga. Every time you force her to see you you are pulling another piece of the Jenga tower out. Do that too much and it will eventually collapse. The idea is to NOT pull any pieces out (stop pursuing and pressuring) and then eventually she might be interested enough in saving things to start working with you to put pieces back.
Ring is a very fragile. The more damage you do now (remove too many pieces of the Jenga tower) the more likely it will all collapse when you start trying to put pieces back into the tower. You want that tower as solid as possible prior to Ring. And the only way to do that is to stop pulling pieces out now: give her the time and space she has requested!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you Steve, how you explained it really makes sense. One question though, how do you know when the tower has collapsed? How do you know when it’s really too late?
Most people will say it is when they file for D, and see it through to the end. In my opinion, D doesn't have to be the end. Some spouses are more impulsive and will D before their heart is fully in it, and therefore there is a chance for them to come back even after D.
But when it collapses is when the LBS has pressured and pursued to the point where they've pushed the WAS past the point of no return. You never really know when that is. That would require mind reading. But what you know for sure is that pressure and pursuit will cause damage and push the WAS closer to that point of no return. So don't chance it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
