Narratives protect, but also, if left untethered, stop us from taking responsibility for our actions.
That right there is the foundation for an entire psychotherapeutic methodology known as...you guessed it...narrative therapy. Developed...you wouldn't have guessed it...Down Under.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Beer is always good. In the kitchen...in the bedroom...in the study with Colonel Mustard.
I've been thinking a lot about Viktor Frankl's ideas on the therapeutic use of storytelling to create meaning out the painful incidents in our lives. The trick for me is recognizing the line between being ennobled and being delusional.
Also been thinking about "Turn of the Screw." On one level, it's a story about a governess trying to protect her wards from a ghost only she can see. The ambiguous ending is genius from Henry James: perhaps the ghost exists only in the governess's mind and--steeped in hysteria--she ends up killing her ward.
When W left me, her amygdala was on steroids. Her list of grievances ran the gamut from me not laughing enough at her jokes to being impatient with my nephews 20 years ago. When the amygdala hijacks us, it's tempting to tell ourselves stories about seeing menacing ghosts everywhere.
Now I find myself being hijacked by my own amygdala. W sent an email asking if we could meet to talk about R stuff.
I thanked her for her note, but suggested we should meet and talk in the presence of the therapist. I appreciate W's good faith and intentions, but I am not quite at the space where I trust her emotional responses. In the early months, any statement I made, however seemingly innocuous, would be taken as an attack.
I do want to finally communicate the impact her choice to walk away has had on me. Not to cast blame or to hold on to grievances, but to highlight that her choices have had consequences on me and our family. Whether she chooses to take agency over those decisions is up to her, but I think she would be more receptive to hearing me in the safe space our therapist is able to create.
I pray for patience. As many have pointed out, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
I think that was a good response. I think you not wanting to fully communicate the impact her choices have had on you is a good one. Is she asking about it or concerned, truly concerned about you?
Your patience, your even keeled demeanor will pay dividends for you and your sitch.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks for the encouragement, ovr. I believe she is truly concerned about me. Honestly, she continues to be the finest person I know, even through this phase.
I have arrived at an understanding we all probably know intellectually, but it has taken me until now to internalize: true love can only be bestowed; it cannot be demanded or earned.
From me to her, this means: for now, I wait. I bestow my love without conditions or expectations.
From her (if she ever gets there) to me, this means: If she cannot work through the fog to discover she loves me as I am, I walk forward, hoping to meet someone who does. I have already expressed remorse and a resolve to be more mindful of her needs. I will no longer self-justify or offer statements hoping she sees I'm a nice guy. I am who I am.
Had a helpful therapy session with W. Therapist helpfully guided us to identifying the infinite loop hijacking our relationship. My end of the loop: I am anti-authoritarian and insistent that ALL emotions are okay; it's what we do about those emotions that counts. W's side: because of her familial history, she has trouble navigating complex emotions; plus there's a level of control she exerts on my emotions she deems unacceptable.
On Kiro's thread, there was an exchange about our need as LBS's to be patient and to not exert pressure. Therapist backed up that sentiment by explicitly advising me: "Sometimes you can't and shouldn't step in and try to fix something. Perhaps stepping back would allow God to enter into the space you share with W."
Afterwards, W and I continued the conversation over coffee.
Take-aways: (1) Patience, patience, patience. (2) Don't rush love. It will or will not be bestowed, regardless of anything I do or say.
Right now, I feel overwhelmed by my emotional, physical, and spiritual love for W. I do not see this being reciprocated right now. And it may never come. But I choose to wait for now. Ain't walking away. Not yet.
[quote=paco123]Right now, I feel overwhelmed by my emotional, physical, and spiritual love for W.
This is what we call the LBS' fog. As someone said recently (I think it was AS), the WAS' fog is that everything in the MR has been awful, terrible, horrendous. The LBS's fog is that everything was wonderful, terrific, perfect.
paco, if you step back and look ask yourself how happy you really were pre-BD. It very well could be that you are over glamorizing your MR pre-BD. And that deep down you weren't really all that happy. Some of that in my case was because I was focused on the wrong things. But a lot of it is was because of problems out of my control in the MR. In hindsight, if my W had left, I would have been fine. And might have been able to easier find my own happiness.
If LBSs could let go for 5 minutes they might see that the path forward without their spouse really is all that terrible.
Last edited by Steve85; 12/14/1801:59 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Had a helpful therapy session with W. Therapist helpfully guided us to identifying the infinite loop hijacking our relationship. My end of the loop: I am anti-authoritarian and insistent that ALL emotions are okay; it's what we do about those emotions that counts. W's side: because of her familial history, she has trouble navigating complex emotions; plus there's a level of control she exerts on my emotions she deems unacceptable.
On Kiro's thread, there was an exchange about our need as LBS's to be patient and to not exert pressure. Therapist backed up that sentiment by explicitly advising me: "Sometimes you can't and shouldn't step in and try to fix something. Perhaps stepping back would allow God to enter into the space you share with W."
Afterwards, W and I continued the conversation over coffee.
Take-aways: (1) Patience, patience, patience. (2) Don't rush love. It will or will not be bestowed, regardless of anything I do or say.
Right now, I feel overwhelmed by my emotional, physical, and spiritual love for W. I do not see this being reciprocated right now. And it may never come. But I choose to wait for now. Ain't walking away. Not yet.
Paco, thanks for sharing. You're lucky to have such a good therapist, who mentions God. I am not sure there are any such therapists where I live
Originally Posted by paco123
I hear you, Steve. To be honest, I was happy.
Part of it is expectations and an attitude of thanksgiving. But thanks for the input.
I have been thinking about what I wrote on my thread about the LBS's emotional fog and about AS's reply that Steve referred to here. And actually, I agree with what you wrote here.
Actually, after coming out of my LBS fog, I don't feel the intense emotion toward my W anymore and I am content and looking forward to a new life after D. This being said, I was happy during my MR. It wasn't a perfect MR (not even sure if there is such a thing). We had our differences. At times, I fantasized about a better MR and a better W. I wasn't always the best H either. But overall, I liked what I had and I was happy.
If I were to restart all over, I would choose to marry my W again and relive the 17 years of my MR before BD. After BD, it is true that I entered the LBS's fog and idealized my W and our MR in an exaggerated way, but something else more important also happened in parallel. I realized the blessings that God had bestowed upon me and that I hadn't been thankful enough.
Here is another theory I have come up with about my story (sorry if it's too religious for some people): I wasn't very close to God when I was young. Then around my mid 20's, I was drawn closer to God and started following a better path. A few years later, I was fortunate to meet my W, a beautiful, modest, virtuous and religious woman. I never realized that God had rewarded me with the blessing of a good W, great kids and a wonderful family. Unfortunately, the last few years of my MR, I moved away from God for a second time and stopped being thankful for what I had.
I can't say whether my separation is a punishment from God, but it's definitely a trial from God that helped me improve and go back to God's path. At BD, I didn't only have an emotional awakening. I also had a spiritual one. And I realized what I was about to lose.
Anyway, all that to say that even if my family wasn't perfect in many standards, it was My family and I actually was happy and content with it.
This doesn't mean that I have to be stuck in the past. There comes a time when we need to accept the new path that God has chosen for us and move on.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
