Determined now as I move forward..

[Dtrmned]

Updating.
Been a couple of days. Mostly quiet but some interesting happenings.

My daughter is back home and safe! Very happy about that and we all (my son, daughter and I) had a good night of Christmas music, decorating and fun. VERY happy Daddy right here on that!

On the W front. Nothing has really changed. I am more humored now than before about her techniques. Everytime I bring up something that needs to be done (usually financial) she states that I "must be upset about something and am taking it out on her". I listen, validate, but she wants nothing to do with that. I have done this before, but made the mistake of saying "I'm sorry you feel that way, it was not my intention to come off that way" to which she replies "that is the worst statement you can ever say. It is like you are just dismissing my feelings entirely". I paused and simply said that I didn't know how else to say that I heard her, understand what she said her feelings were, and that I had zero animosity or reason to antagonize. I was simply asking a question (albeit financial and thus her reason for avoidance). The anniversary of when we got together (first date) came and went this week. Rough day for me, but I did not reach out except for texts about our daughter. I did hear from my daughter that my W actually mentioned it to her and that she had a hard day that day. Not reading too much into it, but there must be some feelings left because if there weren't, it would not have even bothered her. More financial issues had to be discussed yesterday and she got a little upset. Then later we met (regarding our daughter again) and she said that her day had drastically improved. I don't know if she was playing it or being real since at that time she looked horrible. It was weird yesterday for me. This is probably the first true time that I have seen her differently through my eyes. It didn't have to do with the way she looked, even though it was bad, but it had to do with the way my mind was interpreting who she was, how she looked and how I felt about her. I will always love and care about her. Yesterday, I felt for the first time that I was just looking at the mother of my children and not my wife. In the past, I was always looking at her through the "she is my wife" goggles. 20+ years of love, partnership, children, challenges, fun, success, vacations, just life! But yesterday it was WAY different. I didn't even realize it until 20 minutes into the meeting. She's always had them because everyone does, but I never noticed her flaws. They were just jumping out at me. Her weight loss is staggering and medically not healthy. Looking at her face, hair, hands and nails all of which were not done, poorly done or just looking ragged and tired. I also didn't feel the need to rescue her in any way. I just felt sorry for her. The conversation was just not us, but other people were in the room. She forgot and left out important details that I had to fill in for her so they got the full information needed. I don't know if she forgot or intended to leave them out.

She is beginning to drop the ball on a lot of things. Some require me to pick them up, point them out, or whatever. The one's that don't concern me I don't worry about or pursue.

Busy day today. Work, meetings, lunch with my daughter, then get my son and head home to do a little more decorating, dinner and hopefully a family movie tonight! They go back to their Mom's tomorrow and I already miss them terribly. Our house is a home when they are there and I enjoy them so much!

[RyanHun]

D,
Glad to hear your daughter is back home and safe. Enjoy every minute with them this holiday season.

[Dtrmned]

I know its never over until I throw in the towel, but does anyone see a chance of this ever turning around?
I am going as dim as possible, which is hard considering the my daughter's medical issues. Now that we are apart, I feel tons better and also feel that she has the chance to actually think (or not) now that we aren't in the same home. I am still db'ing, GAL and working on myself more and more everyday. I don't find her consuming my thoughts ever moment as well so that is a good thing.

The elephant of pressure has been lifted off of my chest. I do find myself wondering from time to time about her, but I am thankful that it is not all consuming any longer. I guess time will tell.

I wish that we could just have a pleasant conversation. All of our talks are about our kids or money.

[LH19]

Yes but likely years down the road. By then you probably will have moved on.

[Dtrmned]

Thanks LH.
This is my greatest fear right now. That we are better together than apart. I know she is off doing her "thing" whatever that may be. I'm sure it is not how I imagine it, but somewhere between her lying in bed crying over a picture of us to picture her with another person, and it would be from the one extreme to the other across the board! I also know that this is the "euphoric" period for her. She has escaped! (in her mind). She is out of the "problem marriage" and she can now live her life. She has her buffer in place for a little while financially. Life will happen sooner rather than later. Again, I don't wish her well, I do know that life is rough. And doing it alone is hard when you've had someone helping and pretty much taking care of everything for a long number of years.

Dropped my kids off at school today, First time knowing I won't see them for a week. I'm also positive that I will see them sometime as I'm sure they will have forgotten something they will need to pick up. I told my W that she needs to make sure I am home prior to her coming into my house. "We" of course lived there, but since she has moved out, and I have no key or access to her home, I think it only fair that I be there when she wants to come into mine. Is this the right thing to do?

My GAL activities are booked for the week, but I am still feeling the loneliness creep in since the kids are gone. God I miss them so much already! Great time watching a movie with my son last night and an awesome conversation with my daughter last night and a great brief one this morning, so VERY happy Daddy again!!!

I think going as dim as possible is the best thing. W needs time to process, go through her stuff, time to realize that I wasn't as bad as she thought, and also time to realize that the grass isn't always greener. For me, it is GAL, concentration on work and planning fun stuff for when I get the kids back. I know I already have a few things planned for next weekend with them!

All advice appreciated. Again, going as dim/dark as I can and letting her do her thing. SHE has to come to any realization (if she does or if she even does in time) for this to happen. I can just DB, GAL, Work and have some fun.

This is the first post that I have made that will say that this is Friday and my family is now not in the same home.

[Ready2Change]

I told my W that she needs to make sure I am home prior to her coming into my house. "We" of course lived there, but since she has moved out, and I have no key or access to her home, I think it only fair that I be there when she wants to come into mine. Is this the right thing to do?

YES.

[Ready2Change]

Dropped my kids off at school today, First time knowing I won't see them for a week. ...My GAL activities are booked for the week, but I am still feeling the loneliness creep in since the kids are gone. God I miss them so much already! ...All advice appreciated.

Hopefully text messages and phone calls continue from kids. Good night calls and text.


Keep yourself busy. When you get home On Fridays, turn on some music, and straighten up the house. Clean it up and then it is ready for any adults that you have over.

Start making it a more "Manly" house. A little each week. I started in bedroom. Living room and kitchen next.

Then next Thursday, Get it ready for kids to show up. Pickup a few groceries for friday night dinner. I Would take my kids grocery shopping etc on Sat for the next weeks meals.

Enjoy your time alone. Enjoy your time as Dad.

[Dtrmned]

Had a good GAL weekend. Hikes on Saturday and Sunday. Went out Fri and Sat night and had a late lunch out on Sunday so I kept busy. I also cleaned the heck out of the house Saturday as well. It was fun and it looks great! I miss my kids at home though. Then this morning I got rocked back into being sad. Had a friend of my W and ours just text merely asking if we still lived at our same address (assumption she was sending out Christmas cards). I responded that yes, I still lived there. I guess she caught the "I" and called and asked if we were separated. I said yes. I didn't give details. I simply asked that she contact my W to get her new address as I wanted to respect her privacy so she could give it to whom she chooses. I also asked for our friend to support my W. I emphasized clearly that i was not looking for anyone to "lobby" on my behalf, simply that my W could use some friends that have known her prior to all of this and know how happy and who she was. I don't know if this is right or wrong, but I do truly wish my W the best and the support of her long term friends that knew her before can support her through this as well and not just the new friends that are feeding into her waywardness. Probably selfish on my part, but I did pause, think and decided I truly was suggesting this for her and not for "us" or just "me".

W and kids came by on Saturday to pick up something for one of the kids. They were in and out in about 20 minutes. I had just finished the house and again it looked great. Small interactions with W. Nothing regarding anything other than kids. Keeping busy today. Lunch with a colleague and dinner with a friend tonight. At the moment I just feel like running away. The friend contact this morning really knocked me back for a minute. My head is clearer and clearer as each day goes. I feel my confidence and even swagger coming back. This week I will get the kids some present and put them under the tree. Question: Should I work with my W regarding present for the kids? I'm not talking about buying them together or anything, just letting her know what I am getting them and what she is getting them so we both don't get the same thing and it is not an all out competition or anything. Also, asking, is it inappropriate to invite her for Christmas Eve and stay in the guest room for Christmas morning? Too much? Too soon? Too enabling? Too attached? Too selfish on my part? Too many questions!!!!!

Back at work and again, the text flooded it all back and I am in my head presently, I will shake it off and get back. I am thankful for this board. I miss my wife, I miss my family, I miss my partner, I miss my lover, I miss my friend. Some moments it is just too much to bear. This weekend I was more detached than ever. I engaged in conversations with people I didn't even know and they were interested. The knowledge that I will be fine is now there. I know I will be.

[Dtrmned]

bump for a little feedback..

[Ready2Change]

Question: Should I work with my W regarding present for the kids? I'm not talking about buying them together or anything, just letting her know what I am getting them and what she is getting them so we both don't get the same thing and it is not an all out competition or anything.

Yes. Always parent. No covert interactions for R.


Text:

H:"W, I am headed out shopping to buy kids gift A, Gift B and Gift C"

or

H"W, I am planning on ordering gilft A B and C for the kids this evening"

Also, asking, is it inappropriate to invite her for Christmas Eve and stay in the guest room for Christmas
morning?

YES. this is pursing.

Too much?

YES

Too soon?

YES

Too enabling?

YES

Too attached?

YES

Too selfish on my part?

YES

Too many questions!!!!!

NO