Determined now as I move forward..

[Ready2Change]

Always do your best. Some days your best will be be better than others.

Apologize. Simple text: H:"W, I am sorry I argued with you."

[Dtrmned]

An update for those that have been helping and following.
Not much has happened since the blow up except that W has went as dark as she can be. I actually have welcomed that and things are calmer and quieter. Issues are still out there regarding finance, bills, etc. that have to be dealt with. Unfortunately, W does not want to discuss or communicate on these issues so they are left to me to deal with. With the 3 exchanges that happened since over the holidays, we had zero interaction on 2 of them and a small information exchange on the last one.

She is very upset at me since I called her out on a few things during the blow up and she knows that she can't play the "victim" role any longer. Her lies and deceit are out there and she knows that I know so I think she went dark for embarrassment, shame and her usual "curl up and don't deal with and it will go away" views on life.

D was talking to me that she is severely concerned about her mom as she has lost more weight and there may be a very serious health issue. W is 5'8 and now weighs under 110lbs. Prior to having children, when we started dating 21 years ago, she weight 125. That was without the breast enhancement after our son for her self esteem. I didn't oppose it (a little LOL there), but it was totally her choice. Whether she was 170lbs (not pregnant) or whatever weight, I've always viewed her as my beautiful, amazing, desireable wife. If you do the BMI math, that puts her at an anorexic level. But my D thinks my W is in denial about the issue because she thinks it is very bad and refuses to go see a doctor about it. I listened and validated with my D and just told her to support her mom. My other concern is that this may be a medical issue, a major depression issue or a drug abuse issue. Or a combination of the 3. I don't know what else I can do except support my D through this. My W will not share any of this with me (especially if it is the later 2 issues).

Other than that, I'm just plugging along with the GAL's. I enjoy my kids when I have them. and DB'ing everything I can.

[AnotherStander]

D was talking to me that she is severely concerned about her mom as she has lost more weight and there may be a very serious health issue. W is 5'8 and now weighs under 110lbs. Prior to having children, when we started dating 21 years ago, she weight 125. That was without the breast enhancement after our son for her self esteem. I didn't oppose it (a little LOL there), but it was totally her choice. Whether she was 170lbs (not pregnant) or whatever weight, I've always viewed her as my beautiful, amazing, desireable wife. If you do the BMI math, that puts her at an anorexic level. But my D thinks my W is in denial about the issue because she thinks it is very bad and refuses to go see a doctor about it. I listened and validated with my D and just told her to support her mom. My other concern is that this may be a medical issue, a major depression issue or a drug abuse issue. Or a combination of the 3. I don't know what else I can do except support my D through this. My W will not share any of this with me (especially if it is the later 2 issues).

This is a very, very difficult subject. If a WAS is having serious health problems, what can the LBS do? It's frustrating to be sure. If you say anything to her she won''t listen. If you say something to friends or relatives then that will get back to her and she will be angry with you that you are "going behind her back" or "trying to rally the troops against her". But the other side of the coin is she may have some serious issues that need addressing. Whenever I see a post like this it reminds me of a LBS that used to post here years ago, he and his W split and he went dark on her. She was having all kinds of struggles but wouldn't listen to him when he said she needed help. He didn't post for a long time and then came back to say that she had committed suicide. I'm sure he at least partially blamed himself for not taking more action. I mean it is not at all his fault, but of course any of us would struggle with feeling like we should have done more.

So my response to you is this- if it gets to the point where you think she is in serious danger of a mental breakdown, or dying of malnutrition, or whatever it may be; then raise the red flag. It will not help your sitch and may very well hurt it, but if she's at the point of life and death then that is more important than your R with her.

[Dtrmned]

Tons of stuff going on but I am handling it much better.
I am not as jumpy or quick to lash out at anything lately.
I'm continuing my GAL's, especially the weeks when the kids are gone.
My D is struggling with her issues and it is difficult to co-parent on a level field with someone who:
1- doesn't want to talk to me since I called her out and she pretty much knows that I know she isn't the "victim" in this.
2- in her wayward state her values are so misconstrued that I have no idea where she is coming from.
D is almost giving up. I am supporting and validating her feelings and emotions. But I feel my efforts will not be at all fruitful if her mom and I do not come together to get our D through this.
Other than that, I am moving forward. Bills are getting transferred from me being the only one responsible to either being split or moved to W entirely. She has some BIG surprises coming up for her. Car registration, insurance, health insurance that she will now have to pay for, etc. I have no idea what she is doing or with whom she is doing it with. I would love to say that i don't care, but I can honestly say that I don't obsess like I did when she was in the house with us. We will go days at a time without texting and it has been a couple of weeks since we actually spoke on the phone. Humorously and sadly (to me) she had to drop some things off for the kids. I heard the front door open and the reopen and I asked my D what she was doing. She responded that mom just dropped off a few things for us. She is so set on not seeing me that she didn't even come in and see her son or her dogs (she hasn't seen them in about 3 weeks).
I am getting my legs back underneath me more and more everyday. I'm preparing for everything to blow up as the realities of life hit my W. I am also prepared that maybe they won't. She might be just fine on her new path. And that's ok too. The wish of karma is huge but also the wish for her to be happy and a good mom to my kids I think is bigger.
Looking to get more social. In no way shape or form am I saying I am ready to date or anything like that at all. There was a work related event in a couple of weeks that would have been fun, but it is a couples Gala and I am not interested in seeing a few hundred coupled people having fun interacting in a room together. At all.
But, looking forward to the weekend with some sports, hikes and probably a trip to the sports bar to watch a few games on Sunday. The kids go back tomorrow to their mom's so the house tomorrow so it will be back to just me and the dogs. It's lonely when they are gone, but I have made a list of home projects to do this week while they are gone to keep me busy.
I am db'ing all the time. Although with almost no interactions it is very few and far between. I don't initiate any conversation unless it is about the kids or financial that has to be dealt with.
Still a few shreds of hope but I am not counting on it.
Moving forward it is doing what is best for my children and me.

[Dtrmned]

I am curious what you would call where I am right now in terms of my MR.
W moved out in November. We have had a couple of blow ups that first month, but we are now settled into a routine of kids on/off, etc. I am moving things out of "our" name into individual names as things come due. Auto insurance, health insurance, cell phone bills, etc. We communicate well even though it is only about kids and finances. Kids is generally about school, issues, etc. So nothing is ever good. When we text, I only respond with the shortest answer needed. Brief and to the point. When we are speaking (our D still has some major issues she is dealing with) it does sometimes still get heated, but we have discovered how to handle that better on both sides. I am GAL, concentrating on work and the kids more and more all the time. I can now see a life without my W. I do still desire and wish for a reconciliation but am resigned that at present I need to focus on my future and how to create a good life and home for my kids. She has not made one inch of effort into filing. I am hesitant until I get everything transferred out of our joint names. In our state, if you file, everything remains "status quo" until it is done so if it was joint at filing, it remains that way until it is done.

So am I still in limbo?

[SteveLW]

Until D'd, and moved on with someone new, I would say yes.